Impossible
by AddisonSp
Summary: Something that was taken from Kate is suddenly restored. However, it was never in a way she imagined. Will a stunning revelation bring our duo closer together or deepen a growing divide? Season 4, AU after The Limey. A 2014 Ficathon Entry.
1. Prologue

**I'm going to do the 2014 Ficathon! Yes, I'm late to the game, but all things considered, I'm giving myself a break. I intend to update once weekly, twice if I find I'm running out of time as we reach the end of said Ficathon. **

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**Our prologue opens during the season 3 episode, Close Encounters of the Murderous Kind. Aside from the clearly AU events that will occur and add context to season 4, all else remains the same. The shooting, all cases, everything until The Limey. We go completely AU from there. **

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**Disclaimer: I have no rights to these characters. I simply like to play with them.**

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_**Prologue**_

**November, 2011. **

Kate awoke, groggy and disoriented. The room was dark and her hands were bound. She could tell that she was in some sort of chair. _Where the hell am I?_ Her memory was spotty at best.

"Castle?" The detective called softly, hoping that whomever had abducted them would not hear her whispers. There was no response. His absence kicked her fear up another notch.

She tried to clear the cobwebs from her brain, but still came up with nothing. The last thing she remembered was driving with Castle, they were on their way somewhere. _Where were we going?_ She tried to remember. _We were talking about aliens. _She thought to herself. Kate then recalled that her car went dead, a light appearing from above. Now she was here and Castle was gone. _What the hell_ _happened?_

Suddenly a bright light flashed, a spotlight of some kind was blinding her. She could make out the outline of a man. He seemed neither tall nor short and there was nothing about him that stood out; aside from the fact that he'd abducted her. He simply stood there, staring at her in silence for several minutes. It was putting her on edge.

"Who are you?" She questioned. The man did not respond. Her fear and frustration continued to grow. These men had her partner too.

"Where's Castle?" Still no answer.

"I am an NYPD detective!" She yelled, hoping her status would give her more authority. The man seemed unfazed, simply staring her down. She started to work at the bindings on her hands, a feeling of desperation growing. She needed to escape. She needed to find Castle.

"Where is it?" He finally spoke. His voice was level, confidant even.

"Where is what?" Kate questioned. She was completely lost. _Who are you?_ She wondered once again. The light was truly bothering her eyes, making it impossible to make out any details or features of the mysterious man.

"We all know what Marie Subbaro was involved with detective. That information must not get out." His voice remained level. His calm demeanor made Kate even more unsettled. It was the calm of someone in complete control. He seemed cold and calculating and once again thoughts of Castle crossed her mind. Kate remained silent.

Her unwillingness to play along with whatever game the mystery man was involved with prompted him to speak again. "If you don't cooperate, we'll find a way to get at the truth. We'll do whatever it takes to protect our way of life."

_Our way of life? What the hell does that mean?_ She wondered. _What could they possibly gain from a paranoid woman who was killed in the most horrible way imaginable? _The questions muddled her brain further._ What did they need to protect their way of life from? _In attempt to throw him off his game, she dismissed his doomsday talk about needing to protect them all.

"Protect from what, a woman who thought she was abducted by aliens?" Kate questioned. The sarcasm dripped from her voice.

"You're out of your league Detective, you have no idea how deep this is. Now where is it?"

Clearly they wanted something, and they thought she had it. If she played along, if she remained silent, perhaps she could stay alive longer. If they thought she had value they wouldn't kill her. Again, she wondered where Castle was. _Is he still alive? Are they questioning him too?_ She silently prayed that he was, and that he would put his clever mind to similar use. She reasoned that if Castle could distract them, or lead them on, he might remain alive long enough for her to figure something out. She couldn't lose him.

"Who are you? Identify yourself!" Kate commanded. It was her best attempt to take control of the conversation, aiming some of her own questions.

"Who killed Marie Subbaro?" She continued her interrogation.

"If you keep asking questions you shouldn't, you may end up like Marie." The mystery man threatened. At least they were talking about what Kate wanted to talk about. She reasoned it was progress. Every minute she bought gave her more hope of survival.

"Who killed her?" The detective persisted. She tried to take in her surroundings, but the glaring spotlight made it impossible. She could see nothing but the outline of her captor and interrogator.

"No one you could ever reach." The mystery man finally replied to her question.

He stood for several minutes, staring her down. Kate remained silent, refusing to budge. Even if she had more information, she wouldn't provide it.

Soon it became clear to the mystery man that she would not volunteer anymore information. He moved to the table beside him and picked up the instrument. Not only would it make her tell him the truth, but it would knock her out afterward.

Panic filled Kate, bile rising into her throat has he moved towards her in the next minute, some sort of drill in his hand. _This is it,_ she thought to herself. _This is how I die._ Kate was amazed that the last thoughts she had before what she reasoned was her certain demise were of Castle. She saw the drill moving closer. _Castle_, she thought again, picturing his warm, smiling face in her mind's eye. Finally she felt a sharp pain in her neck, and then nothing.

* * *

Kate awoke in the car, her head resting on Castle's shoulder. He was the last thing she thought about before she lost consciousness, and the first thing she saw when she awakened. Thank God he's alive. The thought crossed her mind as she was filled with relief. Although she wasn't ready to admit it to herself, or explore what it could possibly mean, the thought of life without Castle was unbearable. She needed him by her side.

Kate's head was throbbing, her side was aching and there was a sharp pain low in her stomach. She hurt everywhere. The sharp pain in her lower abdomen was by far the worst of her pain. _What the hell was that?_ The detective wondered.

She raised her head to find that Castle was waking too. For several moments they simply stared at one another, drinking each other in. They were alive. Somehow they were alive._ What the hell happened?_ She wondered once more. Soon the familiar tension returned. The tension that electrified the air and pulled at them. Magnetism, gravity, whatever it was, was captivating them both as they gazed upon one another. Josh, Kate thought suddenly, causing her to shift her head and break their eye contact.

She stared down at her watch, six hours. They'd lost six hours. It seemed like minutes. Slowly, they examined themselves and each other. Aside from angry red marks on their necks, they appeared to be unharmed. Whatever it was that happened, they weren't going to get answers sitting on a deserted road in the middle of nowhere. The partners drove back to the city in silence, each grappling with the confusion that followed their lost time.

* * *

As they made progress with the case Castle seemed to return to his normal self. He didn't appear to be bothered or in any pain. Sometimes it amazed her how quickly he could bounce back from some of the most extreme circumstances Kate could imagine. It also reminded her of how incredulous half the stuff they saw and did was.

_Would a normal life be so bad?_ She reasoned as she poured herself a cup of coffee in the break room. She thought about a normalcy, about what life might be like if she'd been a lawyer instead. However, those thoughts always ended up in a place where there was no Castle. That wasn't a reality she would ever choose for herself. A year ago perhaps, but not now.

Over the past several days the mystery agent returned and with his guidance, they'd finally caught their guy. She was glad for justice, but found it disturbing that she would not bring Dr. Charles Vaughn to _her_ justice. There would be no jail or trial that she would know of. Kate sighed to herself. Grimacing once again with the pain she was experiencing. Ignoring her physical discomfort, she made her way back to her desk to address the mountain of paperwork. Kate wondered how she would explain this case to the NYPD.

As Kate completed her incident report, thoughts of the mystery agent once again crossed her mind. She'd had fun messing with castle. _Really,_ she smiled to herself, _The Lochness Monster_? She stifled a smile. It was amazing how light he made her feel sometimes. It was such a contradiction of emotion for her. On one hand she loved to just sit with the warmth that filled her. When she saw him it was if a light that had been so absent, especially since her mother's murder, was shining into every cell of her body. On the other hand, wasn't Josh supposed to provide that light?

_Focus Kate_, she admonished herself. Soon her thoughts returned to the mystery man. To what he'd told her in confidence. It filled her with an unexplained sense of foreboding.

"How are you feeling, Detective Beckett?" He'd questioned.

"What is that supposed to mean?" She shot back. The man was silent. He simply looked at her with a knowing expression. It filled her with a sick feeling.

"Detective, sometimes we all must make sacrifices." He stated.

Kate was dumbfounded, _What the hell does that mean?_ Her questions began to formulate, but the agent cut her off before she could ask them.

"Sometimes we make sacrifices for the greater good." He spoke, placing a hand on her shoulder.

The confusion nearly overwhelmed her as she watched him walk away. However, soon Castle was by her side, asking ridiculous questions about aliens, UFOs and mind control; chasing away the fear and darkness with his light and _something else_. It was that same something that she wasn't ready to examine. It was the light she couldn't admit to herself.

* * *

Days passed and the pain remained. It transformed slightly, feeling like a mixture of the worst menstrual cramps and tiny bolts of lightning panging low within her abdomen. Stubbornly, she ignored it.

Soon a new case arrived, and with it Natalie Rhodes. It was easy to distract herself, especially with a celebrity that she grew to hate with each passing day. Again she found herself confronting feelings she wasn't ready to deal with. Surely she hadn't been jealous. _Am I?_ The thought nagged her.

It wasn't until Natalie left, until several weeks later, that Kate finally acknowledged she needed help. Hal Lockwood got the drop on her. He'd nearly killed her and it was all because she was distracted. Between her mother's case and the increasing symptoms, Castle had to save her. The writer became her hero in multiple ways that night. She caressed her lips once more, recalling the way his lips felt against her own. He was warm and soft, gentile and insistent. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake the feel of his mouth, the taste of his tongue. The strands of hair she stroked her fingers through.

Kate sighed again, another wave of dizziness sweeping across her. It was happening more and more, and it was dizziness that threw her off her game with Lockwood. She would never admit that, but she was aware of the fact that her symptoms were interfering wither job. Kate needed help. She needed answers.

* * *

Detective Beckett sat on the empty slab, her legs swinging as she waited for Lanie to return. She looked down to her watch once again, 2:05pm. They were supposed to meet at 2. The detective went to see her friend days before, finally admitting to someone that she was struggling. She humbly confessed to the medical examiner that something was off.

"_Lanie, something's wrong." She stated with no small amount of apprehension in her voice. _

"_Would you care to elaborate, Kate?" The medical examiner looked at her with concern. _

"_It started a couple of weeks ago, after Castle and I were taken and questioned. After the Marie Subbaro case. Do you remember?" She spoke with no small amount of hesitancy in her voice. _

"_Girlfriend, you don't forget something like that." Lanie spoke, shuttering as she recalled that body. Or what remained of her body. "Now, what exactly is wrong?" she added. _

_Kate explained her pain, how it started as a dull ache and graduated to a sharp pain. She described her dizziness, the waves of heat that seemed to overtake her body with no explanation. Kate admitted to her cold sweats and sudden weakness. She described how her brain would go fuzzy, that she would forget what she was talking about mid-sentence. _

"_None of it adds up, Lanie." Kate expressed. _

"_Is there a chance you could be pregnant?" The medical examiner questioned. Afterall, many of the symptoms added up and Kate had a steady boyfriend in Josh. _

_Kate stared at her, the thought filling her with panic. "No." She blurted. _

"_No, you couldn't be pregnant," Lanie asked, "Or no, you don't want to be pregnant." She tried to clarify. _

"_I don't want his baby." She blurted. It was true. Josh was not someone she wanted to have children with. _

_Lanie sighed, drawing her blood and preparing the vials for lab work. _

_"Alright Kate, I'll take a look, but you need to do some serious thinking." She instructed her friend. _

"_Thinking about what?" Kate challenged. She tried to keep her temper in check, but mood swings were yet another reality that had become part of her life recently. _

"_Think about why you're with a man when you are so adamant about not wanting to have his children." Lanie spoke. _

"_Now wait a minute," Kate defended, "Maybe I just don't want children." _

"_Don't lie to me, Kate Beckett. We've had long conversations about families. I know you want to have one." She pointed at her friend, "and I'd be willing to bet that there is someone else that you would want children with." _

_Kate was silent as she absorbed Lanie's words. Visions of a child, of a baby with her hair and his eyes crossed her mind. She was infatuated with the thought, with the image of Castle's child. Of their child. _

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"Sorry I'm late." Lanie spoke, startling Kate from her thoughts of their previous meeting.

"No worries." She spoke softly. Kate grasped the slab beneath her with such force that the blood seemed to drain from her fingers. She was nervous.

Kate already knew she wasn't pregnant. That test had been done on the day she'd gone to Lanie. All tests were negative and still she had no answers. So, under the table, Lanie sent Kate to visit one of her close friends. A specialist, who examined and performed multiple tests. She'd visited the woman that was now standing in the morgue behind Lanie.

Beckett nodded to the doctors, greeting them as they approached. A familiar knot formed in her stomach as she waited for them to talk. They were together, it took two of them to deliver whatever news they had. _This cannot be good._ She thought to herself. Visions of horrible diseases, of brain tumors, flesh eating bacteria and terminal cancers crossed her mind as she waited.

"Am I going to die?" She asked.

"No, sweetie. You're not going to die." Lanie spoke. The compassion and sadness in her voice left Kate with no sense of relief.

"Then what the hell is wrong with me?" She pressed.

"Kate," The specialist began, "you're experiencing ovarian failure." The detective simply stared at the woman.

"Kate, whatever happened to you, whatever they did, it caused you to go into premature menopause."

"It can happen when you don't have enough follicles to ovulate," the specialist explained, "and in your case it would appear that you have none."

"In other words," Kate expressed, trying to wrap her mind around this devastating news,

"I can't have children."

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**AN: While there is some angst as we ramp this story up, I consider it to be mild enough to not consider it one of the main genres. This is a Romance and Family story, with a splash of drama thrown into the mix. **


	2. So Complicated

**Recall that this story begins post The Limey. Note that it is an angsty chapter, but then again- So was The Limey.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

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_It's so complicated. I'm so frustrated._

_I want to hold you close, I want to push you away. _

_I want to make you go, I want to make you stay. _

_Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel? _

_Oh, I want you to know. But then again, I don't. _

_It's so complicated. _

_-Carolyn Dawn Johnson _

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_What did I do? Why is Castle so different, so angry?_ Kate couldn't figure him out. She'd talked with Lanie, she'd gone to Doctor Burke, and neither could shed light on his sudden change in behavior. While both urged her to act on her feelings, they didn't understand just how badly things had gotten. _Why would the press me to open up, knowing how he's changed? _ Kate was hurt and confused. Above all else, she just wanted him to let her in. She missed him.

They'd been doing so well. He told her he loved her; granted that was seven months ago when she'd been shot. Furthermore, he didn't know she remembered his confession. Still, he was supposed to love her the way she loved him. She thought he was going to wait for her while she healed. Kate thought she'd been clear on the swings, thought they had an understanding. She wasn't ready yet, but she would be; and when she was ready, it would be for him. He was the only one she wanted.

Yet he was gone. Sure he was still physically present. He assisted on cases and spent time with the boys. Yet the man she knew, the man she'd fallen so deeply in love with, was gone. _It's all your fault_, she chided herself. _You waited too long_. Kate sat at her desk, feeling more alone than she had in awhile. The last time she'd felt this hopeless and isolated had been last summer. _You actually thought he would want you? You're damaged. You're broken._ The self-deprecation continued to assault her.

Just hours ago Castle told her he needed uncomplicated. She was anything but that. Kate Beckett was the exact definition of complicated. She was struggling with PTSD, working to tear down a wall so high she couldn't see the other side, unable to express her emotions, and living with more secrets and lies than she knew what to do with. _Of course he wants uncomplicated_, she reminded herself.

Kate told herself that she was no good for him. He was a wealthy author, a loyal partner and an affectionate friend. Above all else he was a devoted father and a family man. _A family is something I'll never be able to give him._ She bitterly thought. Afterall, she could never have children. The thought still made her sick, although the overwhelming pain and the crushing disappointment had subsided with time. What started as devastation had gradually grown into acceptance.

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In those early months Kate had been inconsolable. She was angry and she was bitter. The detective put all of her brain power and resources into tracking the man down who had done this to her. However, he was in the wind; a shadow of a man who was nowhere to be found. There wasn't a single lead for her to follow. Hell, even Dr. Vaughn had disappeared.

The bleak prospect of finding the people responsible for yet another devastation in her life, combined with the rapid chain of events that followed, including her shooting, left Kate with no choice but to move on. The only people to ever know her inner pain were Lanie and the fertility specialist she'd been working with to help her manage and replace lost hormones. With regular checkups and exams, at least her body gradually settled back into a normal routine. Finally, Josh knew. She'd opened up to her boyfriend and disclosed her infertility, even if details on how it had occurred were omitted. Being a doctor, he'd been able to guide her through those early adjustments. However, because he didn't want children, he almost seemed happy with the news. In the end, it was one of the many nails that sealed the coffin on their relationship.

Kate couldn't tell Castle. One the occasion or two where she thought he would be a good person to turn to, she'd talked herself out of it. Even in the best of circumstances, Beckett was a private person. She preferred the time and space to deal with her pain. Further, things had simply become confusing where he was concerned. Kate already had enough trouble sifting through her feelings for the writer.

She couldn't put her finger on what was changing between them. Or better yet, she wouldn't identify the subtle shifts in their relationship. Royce's final letter unhinged her, berating her with the conflicting desire to push Castle away on one hand, and to _be_ with him at the same time. With each passing day she grew more confused, and as her feelings deepened, so did the fear of intimacy.

With the shooting, and the aftermath, all thoughts of opening up to Castle were laid to rest. However, she did spend time in therapy with Dr. Burke. It was during some of their sessions that Kate realized she could still have the future she wanted, and that her future could possibly be with Castle. She also embraced the possibility that motherhood was not completely out of reach in some capacity. However, living with her infertility was a day-to-day struggle.

With time, Kate accepted the fact that if she ever wanted to be a mother she would adopt. Really, there was nothing wrong with adoption. There was nothing _less_ about adoption. She knew that adoptive parents loved their children as much as biological parents. Hell, some even loved their children more. Afterall, they were desperately wanted and cherished children that made families complete. Yes, someday Kate would adopt and she'd made peace with that. However with a simple word from Castle, _uncomplicated,_ the uncertainty set back in.

Somehow, she'd fooled herself to believing that Castle would accept it too, that he would still want her anyhow. Kate believed that he would love her despite all of her shortcomings. She thought he'd agreed to wait. Kate once again recalled that day on the swings, remembering the sense of hope that filled her as she finally accepted the fact that she was in love with him, that she would heal for him. Now it seemed like a sick joke. She'd healed for him, putting all of her hope on a future they would build, and he'd moved on. He'd moved on with a blond flight attendant named Jacinda.

As Kate sat at her desk that evening, she stared at the pile of paperwork before her, working to wrap up the details on their most recent case. Naomi Allen's death would not go unpunished. At least _she_ had justice.

_You're sick Kate, jealous of a dead girl's justice? _Kate rolled her eyes at her own self-deprecating thoughts. She didn't have much patience for the pity party she seemed to be throwing herself. It was one of the reasons, along with one too many emotional daggers from Castle, why she'd finally accepted Colin Hunt's invitation for a drink. She was going to use the British Detective Inspector to make her forget. However, the evening had not gone as planned.

* * *

_Kate's goal was to get blazing drunk and have sex with the man. She was going to forget Castle. She was going to get him out of her system, and she was going to use Colin Hunt to do it. There was no reason why the Detective Inspector couldn't do the job. Afterall, when they'd met him at his hotel he'd been fresh out of the shower. That towel fell and Kate knew what he was packing. He should have done the trick._

_However, the moment Kate let him kiss her, let him put his hands on her, she'd been filled with nausea and revulsion. It was all wrong. Even with several drinks in her, Kate couldn't handle the feel of another man's body against her own. It filled her with frustration and rage. It should have worked. _

_Kate hadn't been with a man since Josh. She'd gone almost a year with no sex. It was a year of waiting for Castle, and repressing her most basic needs in anticipation of being with Castle. There was no doubt that Kate's body was keyed up. She should have been ready to go. It should have worked. _

_Yet, Kate couldn't get into it. She couldn't shut her brain down. She couldn't stop thinking about him. At first she used it in her favor. To think about Castle while with another man filled her with righteous anger. If he was going to screw blonde flight-attendants, surely she could do this. Somehow she thought that sleeping with Colin Hunt would make her feel better; it would be some sort of twisted revenge sex. _

_Yet, it simply wasn't right, he wasn't right. Colin Hunt was not supposed to be the one putting his hands on her. He wasn't supposed to be the one kissing her, caressing her. It was supposed to be Castle, his lips, his hands, his touch. Kate finally accepted the fact that she couldn't do it. She felt like a hopeless failure as she left Hunt's hotel. He'd ruined her. Castle had ruined her for all other men. _

* * *

Kate released another sigh as she sat at her desk, running her fingers through her hair in frustration. She fingered the soft fabric of her white turtleneck in agitation and tried not to think about Castle. She desperately tried to push intrusive thoughts of him with Jacinda from her mind. Why was it that he could move on, yet she could not? _He was supposed to be in love with me. _Kate fought against the tears that were threatening to fall. In that moment Beckett felt that she'd lost everything.

Kate laid her head in her hands, attempting to get her breathing under control. She would not cry at work. It simply was not an option. Although the precinct was nearly empty at such a late hour, Kate figured it was more of a principal to not show emotion. At the 12th of all places, she was determined to remain strong in the face of all pain and adversity. As she felt the disappointment and loneliness once again settle in, Kate realized that being strong was often easier said than done.

As she laid her head on her desk in defeat, Kate once again asked herself. _What went wrong? _

* * *

"Beckett."

She was startled awake. Kate lifted her head from her desk.

"Same shirt as yesterday." Ryan chided her, "Don't you ever go home?"

Beckett rolled her eyes, "What is it?" She questioned.

"Gates called us in early. My guess is that she didn't bother calling you, considering you're already here." Ryan teased again.

"She even called Castle in." Esposito added, causing Kate to turn and look behind her. Both Javier and Castle stood there, taking in her exhausted appearance. Esposito looked amused, but Castle simply looked uncaring. His expression offered her nothing but indifference.

"Seriously, Beckett, I thought you went out with Hunt last night after the case." Esposito chided her, "You wore _that_?"

She rolled her eyes at him, not wanting to give any more thought to the disastrous date she'd had the night before. This was especially true considering the man who'd ruined the date, at least in Kate's mind, was standing right in front of her.

"It went so well that you fell asleep here." Ryan added, enjoying the opportunity to tease Beckett.

Castle simply stared at her, a hint of accusation in his expression at the mention of Colin Hunt. If she didn't know better she'd think he looked betrayed. _Betrayed?_ She thought to herself. _What right does he have to feel betrayed?_ For a moment she stared back at Castle and she was filled with some sort of righteous indignation, as if communicating to him, _you're the one who broke us. _Hell, she was surprised he left his flight attendant long enough to grace them with his presence now.

Kate stared back at her desk, unable to look at Castle any longer. _What time is it anyway?_ she wondered. It was then that Kate glanced at her watch. It was only 5:30 in the morning. _How long has Gates been here?_ She wondered, slightly embarrassed at the prospect of her boss finding her passed out at her desk.

Beckett couldn't figure out what was so important. Gates rarely called her people in before dawn and she'd never called Castle. Not once had the captain contacted the writer of her own accord. She wouldn't even admit that Castle was useful.

Beckett looked around her desk and noticed several unfamiliar individuals, all of them dressed in suits. _Must be FBI_, Kate thought. She looked back to the boys.

"She called you all in?" She asked again incredulously.

"Hell, she even called Lanie in." Esposito commented, "She's downstairs in the morgue, with more of them." He pointed to the federal agents.

_What the hell is going on?_ Kate wondered again. It had to be serious to warrant such manpower.

"People!" Gates finally called, summoning them all into one of the bigger conference rooms of the precinct. As her colleagues made their way to the room, Gates approached Beckett. She gently set a steaming mug on the detective's desk.

"Thought you might need this." The captain suggested, "It looks like you've had a long night."

Kate stared at the coffee on her desk, completely shocked that Gates had done something so out of character. She looked to Castle for a moment, noting he wore a similar shocked expression. She took a sip of the coffee. It was good, but not her style. Only Castle knew her style.

Staring back up at Castle, she couldn't help but let him see the hurt in her eyes. Coffee was a sore spot now. _Remember when you brought me coffee? _She remained silent, but he seemed to understand what she was communicating. Castle simply cleared his throat, quickly masking his own pained expression as he walked away from her.

Soon he joined the boys in the conference room. With a defeated sigh, Kate grabbed the coffee, desperately needing the caffeine it provided, and made her way to join the gathering crowd.

The room was filled with federal agents, and one was at the head of their table. She was seated in Gates' usual chair.

"Good morning," the woman spoke, "I'm Agent McCord, and I'm with the FBI."

Another voice sounded behind them. They weren't expecting him to step forward. Truth be told they hadn't even seen him standing there.

"And I'm agent Fallon, National Security." He spoke mainly to Gates, turning to look at the detectives, "I'm sure you all remember me." They nodded. Of course they remembered him; they wouldn't soon forget a dirty bomb.

Kate simply stared at them, waiting for some sort of explanation. Soon it came.

"Your captain has been gracious enough to call you in at my request." Agent Fallon began. He stared at Kate meaningfully for a moment and then continued. The gesture was not lost on Beckett.

Fallon moved to join Agent McCord at the head of the table. The FBI had a projector set up and connected to a computer. They began to open whatever files they intended to share.

"You've all been called in because you worked a case about 18 months ago." Gates began. Kate's curiosity was definitely piqued. Why did Gates care about a case they'd worked before she'd been their captain? Kate pushed the thoughts that followed back, not wanting to think about Montgomery any more than she had to.

Soon a familiar image flashed across the screen.

"Marie Subbaro's case." Kate noted immediately. She never forgot a victim, not a single one. This was especially true where Marie Subbaro was concerned. It was the case that cost her such a precious part of her future. Mention of the case made her blood run cold.

Castle and the boys nodded in agreement. It wasn't a case any of them would forget, even if they were unaware of the true impacts on Kate.

"That's right." McCord confirmed. She pressed her clicker and soon another photograph.

"Do you recognize this man?" It was a picture of the mysterious agent that had helped them solve the case. It was _him,_ the agent behind her infertility. Despite every attempt to find him, to hunt him down and make him pay, he'd simply vanished. Now, over a year later, there he was.

"Yes. He was a federal agent of some kind. He never disclosed which agency though. We figured he worked with one of your organizations." Castle offered, looking from McCord to Fallon. The writer was oblivious to the storm brewing inside of his partner.

"He insinuated that he worked with an agency, but would not tell us his name..." Kate clarified, pulling herself together and putting on a professional facade. If she wanted to get close to him, no one could know her personal vendetta. They'd pull her from the investigation immediately.

"...Nor the agency he worked for." Castle finished her sentence in a way only he could.

Fallon looked unsurprised by the manner in which Castle and Beckett supplied information. Afterall, he recalled how in sync the two were with one another during the last threat to national security. He only regretted that he had to drag them into this one. Then again, they were already involved; much more deeply than either could possibly imagine.

McCord looked amused by the pair, eyeing them as she began to speak, "He's not an agent at all, at least not anymore."

Castle and Beckett stared at her in shock.

"He used to work with National Security, but he was fired some time ago, before Marie Subbaro's death in fact." Fallon supplied.

"What does this have to do with us now?" Esposito spoke up. Although he was intrigued, he was also irritated by being called in at such an early hour. Surely this could have waited.

"This man is Doctor David Berring, a geneticist." McCord continued. She pointed to the photograph on the screen and dismissed Esposito's question. "He conducted genetic research for the NSA, working on a top secret project." The agent then looked to Fallon. She had an irritated expression on her face, "so top secret that even I don't know the details."

"If it is so top secret, then why are we here? What do you want with us?" Beckett snapped. She was already tired of the smoke and mirrors bit, and really didn't have energy to engage in some sort of turf war between the NYPD, the FBI and the NSA. Yet another piece of her, a bigger piece of her, wanted to get her hands on that man badly.

"You're here because shortly before you encountered him he'd been dismissed, deemed unstable. What we didn't know was that he was continuing his research without the government's knowledge." Fallon explained.

"About 18 months ago he dropped off the face of the earth, absolutely no Intel on his whereabouts, until two days ago when we found him. The FBI raided a warehouse in Chinatown that was suspected to house victims of human tracking. However, what they found was much different." There was an ominous tone in the agent's voice.

"Again, how does this relate to us?" Beckett questioned. She felt nervous, but tried to keep herself in check.

"It relates to you, detective because while we apprehended Dr. Berring, he refuses to talk to anyone but you." The statement shocked Kate, and soon all eyes in the room were focused on her.

"Why me?" She questioned.

"We were hoping you could tell us." Agent McCord pressed.

* * *

The song "So Complicated" is by Carolyn Dawn Johnson. It's a season 3 &4 staple on my Caskett playlist. I've included a link to the video on twitter (AddisonSp). Finally, I will be posting links on my tumblr account and each song from the playlist for this fic will be linked as well.


	3. Seven Devils

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

* * *

_Holy water cannot help you.__  
_

_See I've come to burn your kingdom down_

_And no rivers and no lake can put the fire out_

_I'm gonna raise the stakes, I'm gonna smoke you out_

_-Florence & The Machine_

* * *

To say that Beckett was agitated would be an understatement. It took every ounce of her energy not to pace the room like a feral cat. She had no idea what Dr. Berring wanted with her, couldn't understand why she was the only one he would speak to. She was curious, if not a little unhinged at the prospect of finding out. More than anything, she had her own agenda to pursue. The detective had been waiting for this moment for some time. Yet, two federal agents and her captain weren't exactly the audience she wanted.

The boys remained in the conference room, much to their chagrin.

_"What do you want us to do then?" Esposito had called in frustration before they escorted Beckett into interrogation._

_Gates pointed to a pile of paperwork on the conference room table,_

_"I want the three of you" She pointed to Ryan, Esposito and Castle, "to go through these case files again and look for any clues you may have missed about what that man was up to. What he might have been working on without the government's knowledge." All wore frustrated expressions as they got to work, leaving Beckett to her own task._

_The detective knew that her boys had no idea about her condition._

Kate was conflicted and felt completely unprepared. Afterall, until 5 minutes ago she'd thought he was a mysterious federal agent. Could he help her re-gain what she'd lost? It wasn't likely. Was he going to confess to doing something to her that she'd never be able to prove? According to all medical standards, she had simply run out of viable ova. Officially speaking, Kate Beckett was subject to a genetic condition leading to early menopause. It was the only logical explanation.

Mad scientists and conspiracy-like behavior didn't lend itself well to logic.

Yes, Kate was nervous, but she vowed to not allow her agitation to get the best of her. With a deep breath, she allowed the agents to escort her into the observation room to prepare her for the interrogation.

When the detective stepped into the room, laid her eyes on the man sitting behind the glass for the first time in over a year, all anxiety was gone. Everything she had been feeling was replaced with fearsome determination. This man was hers now and she felt poised to strike.

Even still, any indicator that Kate was feeling anything other than curiosity was hidden well below the placid mask she wore.

"What is it you want to know from him?" Kate spoke as they stood in the observation area of the interrogation room. The sight of him again, so close, filled Kate with rage. Yet it was cold and calculated. Beckett felt like a viper, ready to strike her prey down.

She took a deep breath, readying herself for this moment.

"What do you want to know?" Kate asked again, frustrated by the lack of response she'd received from the agents and eager to get started.

"The warehouse was not a hub for human trafficking as we expected." McCord informed her.

"Instead we found a research lab. We found stacks of paperwork that we can't make sense of and vials of genetic material. We can't identify what his agenda was exactly." Kate stared at Doctor Berring as they filled her in.

"NSA agents have already swept the area and determined that the vials are not toxic. The… material in the vials don't appear to have been engineered into weapons of any kind." Fallon stopped abruptly, as if he'd said too much.

He didn't supply any more information, although Kate suspected he knew more. _You mean like stolen ova_, she bitterly concluded. Nevertheless, she remained silent. Kate wasn't ready to show her hand. If she did they would certainly pull her from the case. _No_, she calmly reflected, _he's mine._

"What we need for you to do is find out what he was doing." Fallon finally finished, stepping away from the door and signaling that it was time for Kate to work. _Gladly_, Kate thought to herself. She'd been ready for this moment for over a year. With a deep breath and all the self-control she could muster, Beckett stepped into the interrogation room.

* * *

"So we meet again." Kate stated as she entered the room. In a twist of malice, she dimmed the overhead lights in favor of a singular, glaring source of light. Other than that, she gave nothing of her inner turmoil away.

"Doctor Berring, is it?" She shot at him, making it clear that she was under no pretenses that he was a federal agent of any kind. Beckett was determined not to play mind games with this man. She also wanted it clear that she held the power now.

"Nice to see you again, Detective," came his reply. "You're looking good."

"How is that partner of yours?" Berring asked, his tone light and conversational. He was already irritating her.

"What were you doing in that warehouse?" She began the interrogation, indifference in her tone.

"Is he still your partner?" Berring did not bite.

"We're not talking about me here. We're talking about you." She shot back.

Berring was silent for a moment. She could tell that he was becoming uncomfortable. _I can do this all day._ She leaned in closer, using intimidation as she slowly rose from her chair.

"It's not as much fun when you're on that side of the interrogation, is it? Now you're the one bound and I'm asking the questions. If you know what's good for you, you'll answer." Beckett demanded. She was _really_ not in the mood for games. He eyed her for a moment, finding nothing there but calculated control.

"You need a little context, detective." The doctor began.

"I didn't lie to you back then, when I told you I was working to resolve a threat to national security. It just wasn't the type of threat you thought it was."

"I had no idea what kind of threat it was." Kate spoke, "encrypted data from the Pacific fleet to the Pentagon..." Kate continued, "that's about as vague as it gets." Without allowing him the opportunity to respond, Kate pressed on.

"Do you think I actually brought all that propaganda about alien life and UFOs? You may have fooled my partner, but I didn't buy it for a minute." She stated fiercely.

"So he is still your partner." The doctor stated, earning glare from Kate. What the hell did it matter to him? Regardless, Kate wouldn't bite. The doctor sighed when she didn't reply.

Doctor Berring sighed, stared intently at the glass window behind her, and began to speak again.

"The NSA learned that China was manufacturing a biological weapon. I was employed to create some sort of antidote, and I did." He raised his voice and stared back at the two-way mirror behind Beckett. He clearly wanted whomever was standing on the other side to hear him.

"Unfortunately, it didn't work on human subjects. Our cells simply rejected the vaccine. So I found a way around it." He spoke with pride. Something about his mannerisms began to unhinge Kate. For the first time thought she understood the cliché _mad scientist. _

"What did you do?" Kate's voice was low, deadly even.

"I worked to engineer the immunity into our genetic code for future generations. I was protecting the future for all of us, detective." He seemed proud of himself. It was almost as if he expected Beckett to show him gratitude.

"That was before Captain America and his team destroyed my lab and just about everything in it." The doctor stated, causing Kate's blood to run cold. She gripped the underside of the table until her knuckles turned white. She knew what that meant.

He continued anyhow, "and I was close." His agitation rose significantly before he finally lost his composure.

"You know what you did!" He yelled to the observation glass.

The door opened and Fallon stood there, "That's enough." He spoke. It was clear that the NSA did not want Beckett to learn any more than she had.

"I'm not done." Beckett spoke, focusing her attention on Berring. She would not allow Fallon to escort her out. The words _destroyed everything_, repeating in her brain made the detective start to feel unhinged. Finally, the reality of the situation, the impact of what he'd done, stripped away what remained of her composure.

"Did you think you would get away with it?" She stated, "Did you think I wouldn't find you?"

"Your sacrifice would not have been for nothing, detective."

"What did you do?" it seemed like more of a threat than a question.

"I worked to protect us, all of us. I was going to give humankind a future, Detective Beckett." He looked oddly content. It was as if he believed himself to be some sort of savior. When he tried to reach to touch her she snapped. In a flash she rose and flipped the interrogation table, causing Dr. Berring to jump back with alarm.

"You son of a bitch!" The words caught in her throat as Beckett moved to jump across the table towards the doctor. She wanted to hurt him. She wanted to take from him as he'd taken from her. She wanted to kill him.

Kate felt arms around her, pulling her backwards. She protested, but Fallon forced her from the room before she could act.

"Let me go!" She shouted, but he would not.

"You don't know what he did!" She screamed to the agents, to Gates, who'd stepped into the hallway to intervene when things had gone south. "You don't understand what he took from me." She cried once more. It was useless, Fallon would not let her go.

Castle stepped into view, causing Kate to gain back some of her composure. With a touch of his hand on her shoulder she started to take deep breaths. She'd completely lost it.

"There was no biological weapon." Fallon tried to reason with her. "He started to see things that weren't there. He was paranoid."

There were shocked expressions from McCord and Gates, along with three confused expressions from Esposito, Ryan and Castle. It would seem that her shouting had caused a scene both inside and outside of the interrogation room.

"Where is it?" She asked Fallon, knowing that he would understand her. He had to. Somehow, she knew that Fallon understood her involvement. Otherwise, they wouldn't be here. This wasn't just about some mad doctor's desire to talk with her. Fallon brought this to her for a reason. She had to believe that.

"Most of it was destroyed when the FBI raided the warehouse." He informed her. Castle watched the two exchange words, still completely lost.

"What about the rest? What about what wasn't destroyed?" Kate pressed.

"We moved the remaining vials to the morgue. We wanted them close. We didn't know what he was going to tell us and we wanted quick access-" She didn't allow him to finish before she started to move.

"It's too late Detective Beckett, my men are already down there." Fallon yelled to her. She ignored him.

She didn't even notice Castle's attempt to reach for her as she bolted past them all.

* * *

Kate bypassed the elevators and took the stairs down, not wanting to waste a single second.

_They're gone._ She told herself. _They were destroyed at the warehouse._ She repeated these statements as she made her way down each flight, skipping several stairs at a time and not allowing herself to hope. Kate burst through the door to find agents moving about. They were clearing the room of evidence. Somehow they'd managed to beat her downstairs.

Kate then remembered Fallon yelling to her. He's sent these men down while she was still in interrogation, an attempt to destroy evidence of a madman associated with the NSA. _Why would he bring this to me if he was going to destroy it all?_ It made no sense. Kate moved to stop them, but Lanie grabbed her arm. The medical examiner squeezed her best friend hard, insisting that she be still.

Kate tried to pull away, but Lanie's grip was too strong. It was surprisingly strong and Kate couldn't figure out why she was so insistent to stand in her way.

Despite Beckett's pleas for the men to stop what they were doing, they continued. There was nothing she could do. If she pulled her gun, they would turn on her and disarm her in an instant. No matter how frustrating, Kate could do nothing but watch helplessly. Yet, Lanie's squeeze to her arm seemed to convey _something_ to her. It was clear that the medical examiner was trying to communicate with her, but Kate was lost as to what it might be.

Soon the agents completed their job. Several coolers were loaded, stacks of papers taken, and then they were gone. "Lanie, how could you?" She spat at her best friend. Kate finally yanked herself free. She knew that it wasn't her best friend's fault, but she still felt feeble and angry.

"You don't know what they had. You don't know what they did." Kate was nearly in tears now.

"That was my only hope." She felt lost.

"Kate they weren't viable. I saw them. They were no longer frozen and the vial was broken," Lanie sympathetically told her friend.

Kate looked to her with surprise. Lanie did know what they had. She wasn't sure if she was more angry with Lanie for allowing the men to take the vials, or grateful to her friend for somehow protecting her from revealing her involvement. Then again, Kate couldn't help but think they already knew. At the very least, Fallon knew.

"Before they came down here, before they took it all, I was able to sift through the evidence. I found the manifest, a journal, and figured out what he'd been doing." Lanie waited for Kate to absorb her words, but soon continued.

"Berring kept copious notes. It was easy to identify the material in the vials." Lanie informed her.

"I imagine the NSA knew what they were dealing with. They likely needed you to help them figure out why. Once then did the agents destroyed the evidence." The medical examiner hurt for her best friend. Kate moved to the corner of the room, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

"He assigned all of his subjects an identification number and I found yours. It was the first thing I did, Kate. I sifted through the evidence in the coolers and found your vial." Lanie tried to reach out for Kate's hands, but the detective pulled away.

"They couldn't be saved. Sweetie, they were damaged beyond repair. They were gone, Kate." She tried to tell her friend.

Kate simply slid down the wall, arms wrapped around her knees as she held herself. She'd been so close, so close to the possibility of a future she'd lost. Now it was gone again. She felt like she did in those early days, before she'd come to grips with her infertility.

"So there's no hope." She spoke weakly, the fight leaving her body.

"I wouldn't say that." Lanie offered softly. She pulled something out of her pocket. It resembled an odd metal straw.

"What is that?" Kate spoke.

"They're embryos, Kate." Beckett took the straw from her best friend and stared at it. "I pulled the straw from one of the coolers and hid it so they couldn't destroy it." Kate smiled at her best friend, completely overwhelmed by the prospect of what she was holding.

"As best I can tell there are two." Lanie supplied. "Yours wasn't the only straw, but it was the only one I could manage to slip into my pocket before I was spotted."

"So these are embryos, and they're really mine?" Kate asked. She was thoroughly confused and afraid to hope. Lanie simply nodded.

"The vial of unfertilized ova had little chance, there is less genetic material and they are more susceptible. Even in the best conditions, eggs don't often survive. Fertilized ova, on the other hand, stand a much greater chance of survival." The medical examiner stated.

"Do they… Are they viable?" Kate asked, her eyes widened with the wonder of it.

"I don't know. They're thawed now and I wouldn't risk re-freezing them. However, they can be placed in stasis- to keep them alive for a few days."

The boys burst through the door of the morgue in the next moment.

"Would someone please tell us what the hell is going on." Esposito demanded, clearly irritated by the federal agents continuously blocking his understanding of things.

Kate and Lanie turned to look at the boys, unsure about what they'd discovered.

"Why don't you tell us what you know, Javi." Lanie suggested. She placed her hands on Kate's, taking the straw back from her. When Beckett moved to fight her she simply whispered, "It needs to be kept cool." Kate nodded and let go.

"What needs to be kept cool?" Ryan asked, unable to spot whatever it was that Lanie was holding.

"From what we could tell," Castle began, "they found some kind of genetic material. I'm not sure what for. They destroyed the evidence."

Ryan continued to watch Lanie, moving closer as she placed the metal straw containing the embryos into her own cooler. They would have to be placed in stasis soon, and that was a skill the medical examiner did not possess. A flash of recognition crossed the Irish detective's face.

"Embryos!" He shouted.

"Those are the straws they used on the IVF video." He stated. Castle and Esposito gave him a blank stare, prompting him to elaborate, "In Vitro Fertilization." More blank stares.

"My sister had several rounds in order to have my nephews." The Irish detective explained.

"You stole human embryos from the NSA?" Castle asked Lanie and Kate incredulously.

"She didn't steal anything. They belong to me!" Kate stated defensively. Her outburst took everyone by surprise, including her.

They all sat with the information for some time before Kate finally broke the silence. "They extracted my ova, my eggs when they took us that night." She looked to Castle directly, "It had to have been during the 6 hours of missing time." The detective failed to mention the fact that they took all of her eggs. Castle still didn't know she was infertile.

The writer simply stared at her, stunned to silence.

"Wow." Esposito stated, absorbing the significance of the news. Ryan simply nodded in agreement.

"There's more." Lanie stated.

They all waited for her to speak, but instead she moved to her desk and pulled out a binder.

"In order to be sure I had the correct information, I had to take this." The medical examiner explained, showing them the journal. Her expression seemed unsure, as if she was hesitant to share what she knew.

Handing the folder to Kate, she moved back to the cooler and removed the metal straw once again.

"Each person they extracted from was given a unique ID number. They're all listed in this manifest." Kate opened the binder and stared at the list of numbers and corresponding names. "I wouldn't be surprised if the NSA came looking for it once they realize they left it behind." Beckett nodded, waiting for Lanie to get to the point.

"I'm going to read off a series of numbers, and I want you to confirm the associated name." Lanie instructed her best friend. Kate nodded and waited, staring at the journal.

"Ok." Lanie started, "Find, M-001-232-496-324." Lanie instructed.

Kate ran her finger down the log, looking for the number ending in 324.

"Katherine Beckett." Kate stated, once she found it, "Lanie, you said you already knew that. They're my ova."

"I know, Kate." She spoke softly.

"Now I need you to find the name that corresponds with _this_ code." Kate looked to her friend with confusion. They were hers, why would somebody else's name be on her embryos? It was clear to Lanie that Kate was still in shock, as she hadn't taken the time to consider the fertilization process.

"Ok." Kate spoke slowly.

"F-001-232-507-329." Lanie read the second string of numbers from the vial and waited. The expression she wore indicated that the medical examiner already suspected, if not knew, what Kate would find.

Kate ran her fingers down the page until they paused. She didn't say a word, brushing her finger across the familiar name there. Kate had trouble catching her breath. She couldn't even look at him. Instead she simply spoke the name, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Richard Castle."

* * *

**AN: I'm glad that this story has piqued such curiosity. The X-Files feel to the story is intentional, and there are many mysteries to be solved through the story. However, the central aspect of the plot will be how this news, and subsequent decisions, will impact their already fragile relationship. **

**The update schedule will continue to be weekly, ideally with a Monday update for the 2014 Ficathon.**

**You can find the video "Seven Devils" by Florence and the Machine on Youtube, or thorough twitter/ tumblr. Both links can be found on my profile. Please Review and I hope you enjoyed! :)**


	4. One

**Thanks for coming back for this weekly update. Things are a bit tough now, as I've been feeling under the weather considerably. Nevertheless, I will continue with my publishing schedule for these chapters. Thank you to the reviewers, both public and private. I appreciate your feedback and perspectives.  
**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own them and will not profit from this story. **_

* * *

_**Is it getting better? **_

_**Do you feel the same? **_

_**Will it make it easier on you now? **_

_**You've got someone to blame. **_

_**-One U2 **_

* * *

"I want them." He spoke to her suddenly, startling Kate to the point of nearly spilling her coffee.

They both sat in her apartment later that day, trying to digest all that had transpired. It was still shocking news for the both of them.

Kate was reeling with the possibility that she could become pregnant with and have a child of her own; that there was hope, no matter how small the chance of successes. It filled her with both trepidation and relief at the same time. She'd been so wrapped up in that possibility that the detective hadn't stopped to consider who was used to fertilize her eggs.

Castle grappled with the shock that someone had taken his sperm, her ova; that someone had taken from them and created life without their consent. At the very least they'd combined their genetic material with the intent to create life. He felt violated, he was furious, but overall he was astounded. The thought of he and Beckett sharing a child was overwhelming. The reality tapped into something very tender, a hope that he never wanted to cling to. It was also something he did not want to lose. The writer was terrified that she might take that it from him. He knew she had no real feelings for him, at least beyond friendship. Why would she tie herself to him for the rest of her life? Afterall, Kate had not chosen this any more than he had.

As they stood silently in her apartment, Kate reflected on the scene that unfolded in the morgue earlier that day.

* * *

"_Richard Castle."_

_Beckett whispered his name. Her fingers were touching the journal and she appeared to be staring off into space. She could scarcely believe it, but it made sense. He'd been with her when she was abducted. He was taken too. They both lost the same amount of time, told similar stories of what they'd recalled. Really, she shouldn't be surprised that they'd taken from him too. Only his body had the ability to create more. They took from her all she would ever have. Afterall, men produced sperm throughout their lives. Women were only born with a certain amount of ova. Once her eggs were gone, that was it. They hadn't only taken her mature eggs, they'd somehow harvested all of them._

"_Why is my name in that book?" He asked, completely lost. Castle still had no idea what was going on. _

_Lanie simply turned to look at him, knowing every detail Kate shared with her following their ordeal, their interrogation and lost time, she spoke to him. "Castle, did anything strange happen after you and Kate were abducted by Doctor Berring?" _

"_Why?" Castle challenged her. He wasn't quite sure what her point was. _

"_Was what happened that night: dead car batteries, overwhelming white lights, creepy interrogations, unexplained marks on our bodies and lost time not enough?" He shot back. His confusion combined with their lack of a coherent response was starting to irritate him. _

"_Did you hurt, Castle?" Kate finally spoke directly to him. Her voice was shaky and unsure, and she seemed to distance herself from Castle a little bit more. She set the folder down on Lanie's desk and wrapped her arms around her abdomen._

"_Did you hurt anywhere other than your neck after it happened?" She turned to face her. He was mildly surprised that she was talking to him. _

"_Um. Not really. My neck hurt, and I was a little uncomfortable in the days that followed." _

"_Uncomfortable how?" Lanie pressed. _

_Castle hesitated to answer, he really didn't want to share such details. Besides, what was he supposed to say? Was the writer supposed to admit that he'd had trouble sitting, that he had to switch to boxers for awhile because his briefs simply hurt? No, he was at a loss for words. _

_Yet somehow, judging by the expression on their faces, Castle could tell they already knew. Now he was thoroughly confused. Still, he offered what he was comfortable sharing. _

"_I figured that any discomfort I felt was because they had us bound to metal chairs for what I could only guess was 6 hours, Kate. Now would you please get to the point?" He was starting to raise his voice again. It reminded her that he was still angry with her. Even if she didn't know the reason, he resented her. _

_Within moments, the full reality slapped her in the face. The embryos in that straw, her fertilized eggs, were created using Castle's sperm. Any child she would carry inside her would be his. She nearly passed out with the irony of it all. She imagined a time when he might have been happy about it, or at least about the prospect of having a child with her. That time was clearly gone. It was evidenced by the cold and indifferent stares and the flight attendant bimbo that hung from his arm as of late. _

_Now, here she stood, an expression of sheer disbelief on her face. Kate had one chance of ever having her own child, and Castle would be the father. There was no way to undo that. His sperm had been taken, used to fertilize her eggs. Kate couldn't imagine how she was going to get through this. It all seemed too unreal. Things like this simply didn't happen outside of the realm of science fiction._

"_Castle, the genetic material, the embryos in this straw," Lanie gestured to the object before placing it back in the cooler, "these embryos belong to Kate." She stated. _

"_They were my eggs, Castle. They took my eggs." Beckett added. She paused to meet his gaze and added, _

"_but they fertilized them with your sperm." She stared at him tentatively. _

_Castle's face paled considerably. "I need to sit down." He stated. He looked horrified, devastated even. _

_Lanie stared from Castle to Beckett. He looked shocked and she was broken. The medical examiner couldn't understand how things had gotten so bad between them. She'd watched them for years and if anything was certain, it was that they were in love. Both of them were head-over-heels in love. Yet the divide between them seemed insurmountable. The timing of these events was nothing short of ironic. _

_Nevertheless, Lanie couldn't help but wonder if the cooler she held might be the key they both needed to find their way back to each other. She could only hope for the best as she watched their tense, non-verbal exchange. Finally, Kate couldn't take it. She couldn't take the expression on his face any longer and she needed to be alone to absorb everything._

"_I have to go." She spoke. _

_Before she made her exit Kate turned to Lanie, meaningfully looking to the cooler that housed a straw with her embryos, their embryos. Lanie understood her friends concern and responded with what little detail she could. _

"_They were frozen and housed in liquid nitrogen before someone raided the lab, and removing them from that state caused them to thaw. It only takes a few minutes." Now Lanie was speaking to both of them. _

"_Under normal circumstances, controlled circumstances, they could simply be re-frozen. However, these aren't normal circumstances." Lanie warned them. _

"_I'll do what needs to be done," She told them, "but I'm no fertility specialist." To appease them, Lanie informed them of her next steps. _

"_I'll call someone, and she'll be able to give you a lot more answers than I can...but I don't think you have long to make a decision." The medical examiner concluded._

_Kate knew that Lanie would call the fertility specialist who'd worked with her before. While glad that the embryos would be in such good hands, she was simply too overwhelmed to give it more thought. She couldn't take Castle's reaction for one more minute. _

_Kate simply nodded, unable to look at the writer as she made her way from the morgue. _

* * *

"Did you hear me? I said I want them." Castle spoke again, his voice more insistent than before.

Kate was startled from her thoughts. When she saw that it was him knocking at her door her heart lifted. She thought that maybe something had changed. Maybe the prospect of a new life had mended whatever rift had been created. However, when she opened the door she was met with the same empty and indifferent stare. The only difference was the determination written all over his face.

"I heard you." She stated. "It isn't that simple."

"What isn't that simple?" Castle shot back. He paced her living room floor, clearly wanting to resolve this issue so that he could leave again. It would appear that spending one more minute than necessary was painful for him. It made Kate hurt all over again.

She had trouble reconciling the hurt and anger she felt towards him with the desire to heal whatever hurt it was he was feeling. It was a contradiction that Kate had seldom experienced. _So this is what love truly feels like_, she considered. _Perhaps I'll pass._

However, Kate couldn't pass on her feelings for Castle. She'd been in love with him for so long now, longer than she suspected she was aware of.

"We have days, Beckett, if that. All I'm asking for is the right to have a say in what happens." He insisted.

After an examination by Kate's fertility specialist, both had been informed that there were indeed two embryos, and that they appeared to be viable. They were in a good developmental state and would continue to grow, tiny cells dividing and multiplying now that they were thawed and safely within the artificial confines of the fertility clinic. However, it would be a maximum of 2-3 days before implementation would have to occur. The specialist offered to attempt to re-freeze them, but considering that she wasn't sure about what techniques were used in the first place, she admitted that the chances of them surviving a second round of freeze and thaw were lower. It wasn't a risk Kate wanted to take. This was her only chance.

Although she'd been managing the symptoms of her infertility with hormone replacement therapy for some time, the doctor advised her to take extra doses of progesterone to increase the likelihood of her body's receptivity should she choose to implant. She had done so that afternoon, giving herself a shot as she'd learned to do in the past months. Kate didn't know how to tell him, but she wanted to do this, and she desperately wanted him by her side when she did.

Kate was scheduled to meet with the doctor again in the morning for a full physical, there was still the issue of whether her body was receptive to implantation, although this had not been discussed with Castle. It was part of why she'd wanted him to come over. She was going to tell him everything. They were going to clear the air. Only the conversation hadn't gone as planned when he'd stormed in and demanded rights to the embryos.

Kate remained silent, disarmed once again by his anger, and Castle's frustration continued to grow. He hated how impassive she seemed.

He paced the room while she sat on the couch, cradling herself. The increase in progesterone was causing her to cramp already. It also made her feel that she couldn't control her emotions. The detective was nevertheless determined to not let him see her cry.

"I have as much a right to them as you do. They're not yours, Kate. They're ours." That got her attention. Her head shot up and she stared at him for a moment. She looked at him as if she didn't know who he was. In that moment, she wasn't sure she did.

"Do you think I don't know that? Do you think I don't know what's at stake here, Castle? I know we only have days, if that, but I'm not about to just give them to you." She shot back.

Kate had expected them to have a conversation about how they would navigate this together, about how they would work it out. She'd been completely blindsided by his request to take custody of them.

"What would you do with them? They need a place to grow." Kate stated. Her tone was antagonizing, but she was starting to feel defensive.

"You think I don't know that? _I'm_ the parent here, remember?" His words hit her hard. She didn't need to be reminded of what he had. She didn't need him to tell her what she'd lost, what she still might lose.

"Now," Castle stated, his tone calmer than it was moments before, "I'll find someone. I'll find a surrogate."

The thought of him seeking out another woman before even considering the possibility that she carry their child was devastating. Kate closed her eyes, squeezing them tightly to prevent the tears that threatened to fall. Instead of grief, or of fear, Kate chose anger.

"So, what? You're going to ask your flight attendant bimbo to carry _our _child to term?" The rage coursed through her body.

"You've known her for about 10 minutes Castle, you sure she's _the one_? Or have you already married her? You do work quickly these days. Are you sure she'd be up to the task?" Her words were like venom, but her heart was shattering.

"We're not talking about Jacinda here; we're talking about these embryos. These are embryos that I have a right to. You can't just decide this Kate. You don't get to string me along and toy with me where _this_ is concerned." His voice was deadly, giving way to some of the anger that he'd been carrying for weeks.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She glared at him, hurt and confused by his accusation. It was definitely a loaded statement and Kate wanted more information. She sensed his words held the key to his erratic and cold behavior. Nevertheless, he wouldn't allow her to pursue that line of conversation.

He deflated, turning his back on her "Forget it. Look, all I'm asking for is a chance. I want them, Kate."

Castle barely heard her admission, a whisper from behind, "So do I."

The statement was a shock. The writer honestly hadn't considered that she would want to do this. It seemed improbable that she, the career-oriented detective who sought justice above all else, would drop everything and impregnate herself. He turned to look at her, truly look at her.

When he finally took the time to look, Castle saw how terrified and devastated she was. Little remained of the detective he knew, now all he saw was a woman, afraid to hope.

"You sure you don't want to just wait to have a family with someone you love?" Now his words weren't filled with anger. They sounded hurt, disappointed, defeated even. _What?_ She wondered to herself. _Do you not know that I've already found that person? _Kate was unable to verbalize her thoughts.

The true impact of his statement, the reality that they were broken, possibly beyond repair was harsh. However, the fact that there could be no other opportunity to carry a biological child of her own was unbearable.

Softly, she admitted,

"They're my only chance." Her voice broke.

Kate turned her back on him this time, facing away from Castle and trying to control her tears. Now that they'd begun, they would not stop falling. _Damned hormones,_ Kate thought to herself. She moved to look out the window, touching the cool wall of her apartment to ground her. Castle took the time to look, to really look, and he could tell that something was seriously wrong.

"What does that mean?" He asked gently, moving to stand right beside her. He could see the tears, the pain in her eyes through the reflection on the window glass. When she still didn't turn to face him, Castle placed his hand on her back. He began to rub rhythmic circles there, giving her a chance to collect herself. It was the first time he'd touched her in weeks and the sensation nearly broke her apart.

"It means that I can't have children anymore." Kate finally whispered.

"They didn't just take those two eggs to create embryos, Castle. They took all of my eggs." The tears began to fall once again, just speaking the words felt like too much, Kate cradled herself, desperately trying go gain control, to pull herself together. She couldn't.

"They took everything, Castle."

The full force of her words hit him like a truck. Castle simply turned her to face him, cupping her face in his hands and truly looking at her for the first time in weeks. The anguish he saw there nearly shattered him. The writer had been so lost in his own pain that he didn't recognize hers. He gently brushed the tears away with his fingers.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered.

Kate looked at him, gazed into his eyes as he spoke, she saw compassion there instead of cold. She saw warmth instead of emptiness. They stared at one another for several moments before she finally relaxed, letting her guard down and allowing him to pull her into an embrace.

She'd missed him so much. She'd missed his touch, his smell, everything. It was seldom that they allowed any physical contact between them, even in the best of times, so the embrace they shared felt like an oasis in the middle of a desert.

They were quiet for several minutes, simply pulling strength from their connection as they tried to wade their way through the murky waters they'd found themselves in. Kate could feel him inhale deeply and then release a breath. She sensed that he'd come to some sort of decision. Soon she felt him brush a strand of hair from the side of her face.

"Do you want to do this with me?" He questioned. Kate simply nodded. She didn't need any more time to think it over.

She leaned against him once more, wrapping her arms around his back, bringing her hands to rest on the back of his shoulders in attempt to draw him closer to her. Kate was using him as an anchor, drawing from his presence to give her courage. Soon she could feel him respond in kind. He held her close to him as he grazed his finger tips up and down her back soothingly. It seemed that together, they were working to restore what they'd lost; a friendship at the very least.

"Yes, Castle." Kate turned to face him with a soft smile. She inhaled his scent deeply, feeling that it could somehow provide her with strength.

Their gaze was intense and she could feel the weight of everything they weren't saying. They both had their secrets and both carried no small amount of hurt. Yet, she could also see genuine affection. She could feel that the bond they shared, what she'd come to believe was love, was still very much there. They would find their way back to each other somehow.

As his finger tips grazed her temple, she tentatively held his gaze and whispered.

"I want to have a baby with you."

_**Well it's too late tonight**_

_**To drag the past out into the light**_

_**We're one, but we're not the same**_

_**We get to carry each other, carry each other**_

_**One. **_

* * *

**AN: This chapter was particularly angsty, and all improves from here. ****There are a lot of questions and potential complications, and all will not be addressed right away. However, in time there will be answers. **

**As usual. You can find a link to this song on twitter or tumblr, which are linked to my profile. Or you can simply look it up on Youtube. **


	5. Faith

**Thanks for your continued support. I would like to update more than once a week, but cannot make such guarantees with my current situation. I will do my best to update sooner, but you will have another update next Monday for sure. As I continue to recover and heal I will be able to write more. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own them. **

* * *

_**When The Road Gets Dark**_  
_**And You Can No Longer See**_  
_**Let My Love Throw A Spark**_  
_**Have A Little Faith In Me**_

_**-Joe Cocker **_

It had been a horrible fight, but once Kate allowed Castle in. Once she'd let him see what had been done to her, and how badly she wanted the embryos, he'd softened considerably. They'd started at tense odds, but by the end of the evening they were a united front once again. She had her partner and friend back. It filled her with hope.

After Castle left her apartment that night, Kate fell asleep with a sense of peace that had been missing for weeks. The softness was returning to his eyes and he held her as if she were precious to him. She wanted to be as precious to him as he was to her. Kate knew that there was still much to work through, and was aware that their partnership needed some serious work. However, with the possibility of what they might share together, hope that they would make it through to the other side of whatever it was that was tearing them both apart blossomed.

That said, the detective was under no illusion that a baby would somehow solve all of their problems. She'd been witness to many families who'd been torn apart in spite of the presence of children. No, a baby would not fix this. However, it might give them the opportunity to re-connect, to put the work into fixing whatever it was that had broken.

Kate sighed as she sat in bed, laptop open as she browsed the internet. Beckett knew that their chances were still slim. The websites she'd found on IVF therapy indicated that most couples who implant embryos do so for many months, and implant 3 or 4 at a time. In fact, there was only about a 30% chance that they would get it on the first try. Yet, for them it would be the only try. Kate understood that if this didn't work, if neither of these embryos took to her uterus, hope was lost. Nevertheless, she couldn't stop herself from having dreams that night.

Her dreams were filled with images of a beautiful baby, sometimes it was a girl and others a boy. She didn't seem to care which. More captivating was that the baby had Castle's eyes and Castle's grin. She could almost hear sweet laughter sounding. Kate also dreamed of herself and Castle together, and in love. Her dreams showed a family, complete with love and adoration. In her dreams she was free to touch him and to kiss him, she could feel his embrace. They were the type of dreams that Kate never wanted to wake from.

* * *

He joined her at the precinct that morning, bright and early to help her with their most current case. A high school teacher had been murdered and the most likely suspects were members of the chess club their victim supervised.

"It's revenge of the Nerds." Castle offered, "For real!"

She smiled at his wisecrack, but beamed in the next minute when he set a cup of coffee and a bear claw down on her desk. It had been weeks since Castle had done so and Kate took his olive branch willingly.

"Thanks, Castle." She spoke as she took a sip. She stared at the latte in confusion for a moment. Something was off.

"It's decaf." He spoke, staring at the murder board instead of at her, "you might want to get used to it." He wore a grin on his face.

His statement made her blush. _Oh yeah, because we're trying to get pregnant._ The thought thrilled her. She couldn't help it, couldn't suppress her smile if she'd tried. Kate also couldn't fight the unbidden images that crossed their mind when she thought about those words, _trying to get pregnant_.

"Too bad we can't do it like normal couples do." She sighed.

"What?" He turned to her.

"What?" She blurted. _Oh God, did I say that out loud?_ Kate was mortified, but tried to play it cool.

"Nothing." Kate changed the subject quickly, "So, anything new on our suspects?" Luckily, Castle seemed to ignore her comment, jumping instead to one of his wild theories. As he described an outlandish scenario of secret societies and chess club cults, Kate began to breathe normally again. Perhaps he really hadn't heard it afterall.

* * *

Kate took the afternoon off to visit the fertility specialist. While Castle had offered to go with her, she'd politely declined. At first he seemed hurt, and perhaps a little scared. Given her history of pushing him away, Kate couldn't blame him. His expression filled her with a sense of regret and the desire to do something about it. She soon enough reassured him that he would be involved of every step of the process. However, some things were private and today wasn't about the embryos at all.

As they stood side by side in the break room, preparing their lattes, Kate tried to explain herself again.

"Castle, they're just giving me an exam." She stated. He simply stared back, still not understanding why he couldn't be with her on this journey.

"Castle. An exam, a pelvic exam! Do you really need to be there when they explore the inner-workings of my uterus?" She whispered somewhat defensively to him, impressing on him the level of discomfort she was feeling. She stared out the glass and into the precinct, unable to make eye contact as she shared such intimate details.

"Oh." He spat out.

"I guess not," came his reply. He shifted uncomfortably, turning away from her as he sipped on his coffee. "Carry on then." Castle spoke as he awkwardly made his way from the break room.

_Carry on?_ She thought to herself, a smile breaking across her face. He was a seriously bizarre man. As she watched him scurry back to his chair she smiled. He was bizarre, but she loved him.

Indeed. Castle was not needed for this appointment. Today was about giving Kate a pelvic exam to determine the state of her uterus and the likelihood that the lining would be accepting of an embryo. The fact that she'd been taking both estrogen and progesterone regularly boded well. She'd also dosed herself pretty heavily with the latter the day before. Still, it would all come down to whether or not the lining of her uterus was in good enough shape for an embryo to implant. With such short notice Kate knew that a great deal would come down to timing and luck.

Kate thought about Castle as she waited for the doctor to enter the exam room. She really didn't want or need Castle to be present for what she felt would be the equivalent of her annual exam. Those were uncomfortable enough already. _We've never even had sex, it's a little too soon for Castle to be all up in my…business. _Kate reasoned to herself, it was a thought that made her slightly uncomfortable.

The thought of Castle sitting in the room as she wore one of those thin, paper gowns that covered absolutely _nothing, _legs in stirrups and opened for the world to see while a doctor fidgeted with the equivalent of a flashlight and some very uncomfortable tools made her incredibly anxious. She was relieved that he remained at the precinct as she waited in the examination room.

The doctor entered with a polite greeting and quickly got to work. For all the stress and anxiety Kate carried, the exam was relatively quick and painless.

Once she was allowed to get dressed again she sat in one of the chairs, staring at all of the reproductive charts on the walls. After what felt like hours the doctor returned, smiling at Kate.

"I think you're looking as good as you're going to look." She stated. Kate released an audible sigh.

"I'm going to give you another injection now, but I think you can be ready to go for tomorrow. While I would usually recommend preparing your body a little while longer to ensure our best chances, I wouldn't wait any longer with these embryos. They're pretty advanced in their development." Kate looked alarmed, so the doctor clarified.

"With average couples, the maturity of the embryos would be a good sign. We often allow them to reach this stage so that we can tell which keep their integrity. Those are most likely to implant. The fact that yours are at that state of maturity is an excellent sign. It also means we need to move fast."

Kate nodded. This was really happening.

She checked her watch after the appointment. It was after 5 and she knew Castle would be home preparing dinner with his mother and Alexis. _What will they think of this?_ She wondered to herself as she got into her car and prepared to leave the clinic.

Thoughts about how Martha would feel about another grandchild, how Alexis would respond to a younger sibling inundated her as she drove. Would they be excited? Would they understand the true nature of the situation if Kate explained it to them? Would they be angry that she was inserting herself in their lives in such a permanent manner?

Without realizing it, Kate drove straight to the loft. She'd parked without considering where she was. It wasn't until she took a good look around her that she realized she was supposed to have gone home. Nevertheless, she had news for Castle and now seemed like the perfect time.

She knocked on the door and was startled when it opened so suddenly. Alexis stood, staring at her with an unreadable expression. Kate's anxiety steadily rose as the teen took her in. Slowly, she moved to embrace Beckett, wrapping her arms around her waist and resting her head against the detective's shoulders. The detective tensed, unsure about how to respond.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you." Alexis softly whispered. There was nothing but genuine concern and sympathy in Alexis' words. Kate held on a little tighter, relieved that she wasn't met with anger or resentment.

"Beckett?" Castle called from behind them. He'd been in the kitchen chopping vegetables when Alexis had gone to answer the door.

She looked up to him from where she stood, Alexis still in her arms, and smiled. They both shared a moment of mutual relief over the teen's reaction.

"Alexis, sweetie, would you watch the stove. I've got the onions sautéing and don't want them to burn." The redhead stepped back slightly, a little flustered by their emotional exchange. Alexis couldn't remember a time when she and Kate had been so physically close. She'd obviously looked up to the detective, but all things considered, she'd been pretty peeved with her as of late.

Watching her dad hurt over and over again was enough to make her despise the woman, yet she couldn't be angry with her now. Not for this. Kate was the victim here and if this was her only shot at conceiving and carrying a child, Alexis would not stand in the way. Nobody had asked for this.

"I've got a pretty great kid, don't I?" Castle whispered to Beckett as Alexis walked back towards the kitchen. Kate simply smiled and nodded.

"Yes, you do."

"Let's go to my office" he offered, wanting to give them a little more privacy. Kate nodded and followed him in silence. Once behind closed doors they sat on his leather couch.

"So, you told her." Kate stated.

"Yeah, I did."

"She seems to be ok with it." The detective ascertained.

"I told her the whole story, I told her what they'd taken from you. I told her about what we'd found." He paused to look at Kate, "I hope that's ok."

"Yeah." Beckett stated. "There really isn't any other explanation. The truth is bizarre enough as it is." Castle nodded in agreement.

"So, how did things go today?" He changed the subject. Kate could sense the hesitation in his voice.

"Things went well. I'm in good shape and she's recommending that we do this tomorrow."

"Tomorrow, really?" Castle was slightly surprised.

"You knew our window was small." Kate reminded him. Still, his surprise filled her with unease. It didn't take much for the doubt to creep in. Afterall, neither had been given much time to absorb and process their situation.

"Of course, I just… It's a lot to take in, you know?" Kate smiled at his honesty.

"Oh, I know." She agreed.

"So…" There was hesitation in her voice now.

"So…" Castle repeated, unsure of where the conversation was going. He wanted to be there, but was trying desperately not to overstep.

"Well, tomorrow morning is the procedure. They're offering to sedate me while they do it, but I'm not sure how I feel about that. It shouldn't hurt but there might be some discomfort afterwards." Kate explained.

Castle nodded, taking her lead.

"I'd like you to be with me when they do it." She stated somewhat nervously, "That is, if you still want to."

"Yes." He blurted.

"Yes, I want to. I can drive you there and bring you back here. You shouldn't be alone afterwards." He added. Kate eyed him suspiciously for a moment, prompting him to explain himself.

"I may have read up on IVF too, a little bit." He admitted.

Kate smiled at him. Thankful once again that she was in this with Castle. She stood then, making her way back towards the hallway.

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" He offered.

"I can't, I promised Lanie a girl's night." She explained. She saw Castle try to mask his disappointment.

"But will you pick me up tomorrow?" Kate threw out there.

"Will you stay here after the procedure?" He tossed back. She smiled and nodded. "I'll be sure to pack a bag."

* * *

Later that evening Kate sat in her living room with Lanie.

"You know, I never got to thank you." Kate began, "for high-jacking those embryos...my only chance to be a mother."

It still puzzled Kate. Somehow, Fallon had to know what was in those vials, and yet he'd chosen to store them in the Morgue. Was this is way of offering thanks for their help diffusing the bomb? Did he purposefully allow the evidence to be exposed to Lanie so that she might rescue their only chance? Regardless, she was glad that Lanie had the presence of mind to take those precious embryos.

Lanie sighed, "you're welcome, Kate." She took her friend's hand, "but let me be clear, this is not your only chance to be a mother." Beckett sighed.

"I know, there are lots of options, good options. I'd accepted that when the time was right I would take one of those roads. So many children need good homes, and they're no less deserving than any other child." Kate stated.

"and adopting a child doesn't make you any less of a mother, Kate." The medical examiner added.

Beckett became suspicious. "Are you trying to talk me out of this, Lanie?"

"No, sweetie. I'm trying to not get your hopes up too high. Most IVF procedures do not take the first time. I just don't want to see you get your heart broken." She spoke with great care and sympathy.

Kate nodded. "I know, Lanie." She did know. She was afraid to hope, but would not give up on this chance.

"I also know that I will have a family one day." Kate hesitated before she finished the thought, "but those embryos, that's Castle and Me. It's us. It might be the only shot I have at us."

"Katherine Houghton Beckett!" Lanie demanded, her tone was gentle, but stern.

"I better not hear you talking about getting yourself pregnant in attempt to keep Castle, because that is the most ludicrous thing I've-"

"No, Lanie. It isn't like that." Kate interrupted her friend.

"It's about wanting to share something with him that I don't want to share with anyone else. Even if we don't ever become more than what we are now, even if we're only just partners, he is the person I want to be the father my children." Kate admitted. "Only him."

Lanie sighed. "You are a romantic." Kate blushed slightly. Lanie placed her hand on Kate's shoulder and offered her advice.

"Perhaps you should share this little insight with Castle." Kate rolled her eyes at her best friend. If she had a nickel for every time she'd heard Lanie mutter those words she'd be rich.

"I'm going to bed, Lanie. See your way out." She threw a hand towel teasingly at her best friend before making her way towards her bedroom.

"Tell him you love him already, and lock this damn door after I leave!" Lanie shouted before making her way home that evening.

The medical examiner's words lingered with Kate as she fell asleep that night. She wanted to tell Castle how she really felt, wanted him to know what he really meant to her. Yet, with everything that was changing between him, she didn't know how to bring it up.

Could they handle yet another change to the dynamic of their relationship? Her hesitation was soon replaced with nervous energy about the procedure to take place in the morning.

_After tomorrow, our lives could change forever. _It was the last thought that crossed her mind before sleep overtook her. _  
_


	6. The Dog Days

**Happy Monday! **

**I've done my best to find information that would enable me to write this chapter with as much authenticity as possible. Further, the fact is that there are no medical journals citing the impacts of mad-scientist abduction and extraction of ova against one's will on pregnancy success. In fact, the sample size would be 1 and Agent Scully didn't consent to be studied. **

******Thank you for your reviews, and special thanks to WendyKw for her feedback on IVF.**

* * *

_**"Happiness hit her like a train on a track**_

_**Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back."**_

_** -Florence & the Machine, **_

_** Dog Days are Over**_

* * *

Kate rose early the next morning; the thunder from the storm outside woke her before her alarm did. She liked these times, the quiet times when it seemed that the rest of the city was still sleeping. There was no one to demand anything of her and she was free to do whatever she liked. The detective looked from her window to the streets below. All was quiet save the steady rain and flashes of lightening. Kate moved from the window to glance at the clock by her bed. It was a little past five. She didn't see any point in trying to go back to sleep when her alarm would go off in less than an hour.

Kate began packing a bag to tide her over for the next several days. Although the doctor instructed her to take it easy for the first day or so, and to avoid strenuous activity for about a week, she knew that she would be fine on her own. Still, Castle was feeling a need to be involved. It was the central reason she'd agreed to stay with him after the procedure.

Beckett made sure to pack only lose and comfortable clothing, as she'd been advised to do by the doctor.

"_The procedure should not be painful, We can use a sedative if you wish, but it isn't absolutely will likely be slight pain and cramping afterwards and I strongly recommend that you take time off of work and restrict your activity as much as possible." _

She shifted uncomfortably as she pulled several shirts from her dresser drawer. It would seem that the cramping was already setting in. In addition to the discomfort she knew she would feel after the procedure, it would appear that a side effect of the high dose of progesterone she'd taken was occurring. Kate also figured it accounted for the tenderness in her breasts. She sighed as she thought twice about the bras she'd packed, opting instead for camisoles and loose sports bras. Being sexy wasn't exactly a top priority, even if she was going to stay with Castle.

She folded her favorite nightshirt and placed it in her bag gently. Before zipping the duffel, she tossed a few books, mostly his books, on top. Kate glanced down at her watch to see that it was nearly 7am. She was surprised by how much time had passed. Castle would arrive any moment to pick her up and take her to their appointment. _Our appointment_, Kate allowed the thought to settle. It was still a bit strange to consider that she was going to try having a baby with Castle; it was still too soon to absorb that she had a shot at pregnancy at all.

She sighed anxiously to herself as she thought about what the day would bring.

Kate honestly couldn't identify which made her more nervous, the prospect of the embryos failing to implant, or of success. She'd been so consumed with recent events, with trying to adjust to the fact that there might be hope, that the detective hadn't spent much time considering what it might be like to be pregnant. _Pregnant with his child, _the thought gave her butterflies.

The sound of her buzzer interrupted her thoughts and soon Kate did not have the time to consider it further. She grabbed her keys and turned out her lights, taking a deep breath as she descended the stairs of her building. As she expected, she found Castle waiting by the door. He wore a soft and slightly nervous expression. It was easy to tell that it was going to be a big day for the both of them.

They drove to the clinic in silence, neither sure of exactly what to say. Although they'd taken steps to repair whatever had been broken, Kate still wasn't sure of her footing where he was concerned. While she would address it with him eventually, there was too much pressing on her mind to consider it further for the time being.

"I've got the spare room ready for you." Castle finally spoke, needing to break the tension in the car.

Kate turned to him and offered a smile. "Thank you, Castle, for letting me stay with you for a few days."

He saw straight threw her, knew her better than she knew herself. She didn't need to stay with anyone, but Castle appreciated her attempt to appease him anyhow.

"No. Thank you for letting me be involved." It was true, although by anyone's standards he had the right to be involved, he also knew that Kate struggled with letting people in. This was about as personal and intimate as it could get. They parked the car and moved towards the clinic. It was starting to rain again, casting a dark and dreary atmosphere. Still, the weather did little to dampen the hope and anxiety they both felt.

As they entered the clinic, Castle took a seat in the waiting room. Kate sat down beside him after signing herself in. The detective held a clip board to complete the medical history forms. They were more of a formality by this point, as her doctor knew her well. The person who was to complete the transfer of embryos was the very same fertility specialist that had guided Kate through her hormone replacement therapy. Any doubts that she was physically capable of carrying a child to term had been addressed as much as possible by the specialist.

Soon she finished and returned the paperwork to the front desk. She turned to see Castle flipping through a magazine. It was clear from his stature that he was nervous, and he was flipping through the pages far to fast for her to believe he was reading anything. When Kate sat back down Castle turned to her.

"I can wait out here, if you want me to." He offered, wanting to give her space.

Kate thought about herself on the table, how vulnerable she would be and what the doctors would be doing. The thought of having Castle in the room to witness made her feel incredibly anxious and uncomfortable. She was relieved by his offer.

"That would be great, thanks." She then added, "they'll have me lay back and rest after they're done, maybe you could come back then?" She offered, trying to meet him in the middle. She figured they would allow her to dress, or at the very least cover her up by that point.

Castle smiled, again impressed with her attempt to open up and let him in. It made him think of their conversation on the swings nearly eight months ago. It would seem that her wall was starting to come down, and perhaps this latest development would give them both the opportunity to demolish it. Even if he knew she didn't love him the way he loved her, they had a solid shot at friendship.

"Ms. Beckett." A nurse with a clipboard called her. He squeezed her hand as she stood, wishing her well and offering all of his support in the contact of their hands. She smiled as their hands dropped.

"I'll be right here waiting." He whispered.

Those words struck her as she took him in. He'd been there waiting for so long, and now he was willing to jump into parenthood with her. _I don't deserve him_, she reflected as she turned from him and walked away. _I don't deserve him, but I'm going to try my best to show him that I love him anyhow. _Kate didn't know how, she didn't even know where to start, but the detective was resolved to never let him go.

* * *

"Good morning." Her doctor spoke as she entered the room. The nurses had already been in, recording her vital signs and providing her with yet another flimsy paper gown that covered next to nothing. She shivered in the garment as a technician followed the doctor into the room.

The technician confirmed Kate's identity and asked her a lot of random questions, stated the number of embryos to be transferred, and confirmed that both she and Castle had consented to the transfer. He had, in fact, they'd both been required to sign papers of consent. At first it struck her as ironic, especially considering the embryos had been created without their knowledge. She nodded affirmatively to the technician anyhow, taking deep breaths as they prepared a long catheter.

"Ok, Kate. Lay back." The doctor stated. Soon a monitor was turned on. "This will enable us to know exactly where we're going, and it will guide us through your cervix and into your uterus." The doctor instructed her. Kate took a deep breath, a wave of tension cresting through her body.

She swallowed back her nerves and did as she was told. Slowly, she laid back on the exam table. Once she was flat on her back, Kate's anxiety only kicked up another notch.

"Ok, Kate. You should feel pressure, but there shouldn't be any pain." She could feel her heart pounding. _This isn't right,_ the thought sounded like an alarm in her brain. Before the doctor could proceed, Kate shot up from the examination table.

"Wait." She called, she took a deep breath, willing herself to calm down. _What if this doesn't work? What happens if both embryos fail? What happens if they don't? What if they both do and we wind up with twins? What if we wind up with nothing?_ The thoughts shot through her brain like rapid fire._ I can't do this alone. _She admitted to herself.

"Would you like for us to get your husband?" A nurse who didn't not know her asked kindly.

Kate didn't bother to correct her. She liked how it sounded.

She simply nodded, swallowing nervously.

One of the nurses placed a blanket between the stirrups of the exam table to protect Kate's modesty until Castle could enter the room and seat himself by her side. It was procedure to do so anytime the door opened anyhow.

* * *

"Mr. Castle?" He looked up from his magazine suddenly. The writer was surprised by the nurse calling his name. Surely it was too soon for them to be finished.

"Yes?" He asked apprehensively. _What if something happened? Is she ok?_ The nurse could clearly see the worried look on his face. She smiled softly and spoke.

"Your wife is just fine. She's asking for you." He was surprised and mildly pleased to know she really did want him with her. He also liked the sound of the word _wife,_ as it pertained to Beckett. As he followed the nurse down the hall she simply stated,

"Usually it's easier if there's someone there to hold her hand. While it isn't a painful procedure, it can be a bit anxiety-provoking. We offered sedatives, but she declined."

Castle nodded, _of course she declined_, the thought made him smile. Following the nurse into the room, he found Kate laying on the table in a medical gown. He was struck by her pale and frightened appearance. The sight of her in a hospital gown brought the writer back to the first time he saw her after she was shot. Kate reached for him, reminding the writer that she was safe, and that Josh was no longer there to push him away.

He smiled, moving to sit beside her and take her hand. "I'm right here." He spoke soothingly. The touch of his hand calmed her, reminded her that she wasn't alone. It was exactly what Kate needed to get through this.

She squeezed his hand in response and nodded for the doctor to proceed.

"A little pressure." The specialist informed her before she inserted the catheter. They could both watch the tube on a screen as they guided it into her uterus. He could feel her tense as they worked, and so to calm her, Castle spoke. He gestured to the screen and whispered.

"We've never even had sex and I can see inside of you." It earned him an eye roll and Castle knew that if she was free to move, she would have hit him. Instead she simply dug her nails into his palm and shot back.

"Perv."

They both smiled as the doctors worked, and Kate relaxed considerably. The doctors worked, confirming that the embryos had been ejected from the instrument and placed in her uterus. All in all, it was a quick procedure. After they were finished, she laid there, taking time to rest as the doctors moved about to clear the room.

"You are free to get dressed in a few minutes." A nurse informed her as Castle moved to support her as she sat up. There wasn't any pain, aside from a little discomfort, but Kate seemed unsure of her movements. She also knew that she would have to spend the remainder of the day on the couch or in bed.

"When will we know if it worked?" Castle asked the doctor. He held Kate's hand firmly, needing her support as much has he offered her his.

"We will wait for about two weeks." The doctor began.

"I want to see Kate back here in seven days to test her hormone levels and ensure that her body has adequate levels of progesterone to support implementation. It is likely to be 10 days before anything would show up on a pregnancy test."

Castle nodded and squeezed Kate's hand once again. "So, we wait." He stated.

_We_, Kate reflected. Once again, the detective was incredibly grateful to have her partner with her. The detective smiled to him and moved to grab her clothing. She didn't leave the examination table and used the blanket to be sure she was covered in all the essential areas.

He simply watched her, lost in his thoughts, in his hope that the procedure would be successful. Finally, Kate spoke.

"Um, Castle?" She stated somewhat uncomfortably.

He simply stared back for a moment, unsure of what she was asking. _Oh, she's not dressed, _He thought awkwardly.

"Sorry." He blurted, turning away from her before adding, "I'll leave you to it." He handed her the bag with her clothing and stepped out into the hall.

Kate smiled, warmth filling her as she thought about how hard he was trying. It was a terribly awkward situation for the both of them. _Yet, there isn't anyone else I'd rather do this with_. The thought crossed her mind as she slowly dressed.

* * *

They returned to the loft, Kate moving slowly and somewhat unsure. The doctors assured her that just walking around wouldn't decrease the likelihood of success, but she was still apprehensive. Castle could feel her unease and placed his hand supportively on her lower back while he unlocked and opened the front door. She thought about the doctor's instructions as she entered the loft.

"_Try to stay off your feet for the first 24 hours, and then go about your business for the most part." The doctor spoke. _

"_You'll want to take it easy. No strenuous exercise, no jumping or dancing, for example…and no sexual intercourse." The doctor raised her head to look from Beckett to Castle as she made the last statement. Kate had to turn away, wanting to avoid blushing in front of him. Kate was aware that she was going to need to move past her discomfort eventually, but it was all so new for her, for them. _

"_We'll do our best to keep our hands off each other." Castle spoke, taking full advantage of the situation. He put his arm around Kate's shoulder and pulled him against her for effect. The detective elbowed him, but smiled. His antics were successful, as the tension between them was diffused. _

Kate followed Castle into his loft, pausing with uncertainty as they approached the living room. While they'd determined that she would stay with him, not all details had been discussed. She assumed that she would be taking the same spare room she'd had last time. Castle confirmed this.

"So, your room is upstairs. Same as last time." He spoke as he moved to the couch, he piled several pillows and patted the seat invitingly,

"But if you want to, you can stay down here. I'll make lunch and we can watch movies." He smiled to her hopefully.

Kate smiled, "that sounds nice."

Castle's face lit up and he held his hand out to her. She joined him, noting with a smile that his hand lingered while she positioned herself to lay across the sofa. Once the pillows supported her comfortably, he covered her lap with a blanket and handed her the TV remote.

"I'm going to get started on lunch. Watch whatever you like. I'm making soup." Before he could think twice about it he placed a kiss on her cheek.

Kate smiled; allowing herself to relax as she tenderly brushed her fingers across the spot where he'd kissed her. She knew the next two weeks of waiting would be torture, and that she would return home in days to spend the majority of that time at her own apartment. Still, she couldn't help but take comfort in the fact that she wasn't alone.

He was in this with her, and this time she believed he wasn't going anywhere.


	7. I've Got You

**Another chapter! I am back home and starting to heal, but it will be weeks (I'm told) before I feel normal again. If I can update more often I will. Yet, getting myself healthy and back into remission is more important to me than this story. I know you all respect that. **

* * *

"_**A place to crash, I got you.**_

_**No need to ask, I got you.**_

_**Just get on the phone, I got you.**_

_**Come and pick you up if I have to."**_

_**-Leona Lewis**_

* * *

He watched her tentatively, unsure of himself. Over the years Castle had mastered the art of observing the detective, and the vast majority of the time she never knew. Sure, he overtly stared at her from time to time as she worked, but that was more about pressing her buttons than it was actually learning something about her. No, the writer was a master of watching her covertly. Afterall, it was when she let her guard down unwittingly that he came to know the real Kate.

In that moment there was nothing covert about it, he was openly gazing. The writer felt slightly guilty and unhinged by the fact that he was staring, but found himself unable to stop. She was sleeping so peacefully, a contented sigh escaping her mouth every few moments. Kate was curled on the couch, nestled between the oversized pillows and buried beneath a blanket. After the day they'd had, he couldn't be surprised that she was completely out of it.

Castle had seen many versions of his partner. He'd seen her angry and determined, fearsome and confidant, coy and playful, distraught and devastated; he'd seen it all and he loved it all. Still, nothing filled him with the sense of longing that watching her sleep did. For a moment he forgot what this was. He had to remind himself that they were just friends. They were partners on many levels, but she would never truly be his. _She doesn't want that._ He reminded himself.

Even though he'd had weeks to absorb it, the blow she'd dealt him when she told a suspect she remembered everything from her shooting was still a bitter pill to swallow. He sighed, attempting to push the thoughts from his mind as he looked at the clock. It was nearly 10pm.

Kate shifted on the couch and for a moment he thought she was waking. However, soon she settled back down, her breaths steadying once again. He thought that she mumbled something in her sleep, but couldn't make out a word. It was such a foreign sight to witness, a softer and more vulnerable side of Kate. He wanted to spend hours there watching her. Still, he knew it wasn't a good idea, and it would do nothing to help him move past his feelings for her.

Castle rose and stretched, pressing the off switch to power down the entertainment center. He then cleaned up the remnants of their shared meal and moved to place their dishes in the sink. _She'll wake up soon_. He thought to himself, not wanting to rouse her.

It had been a relaxing afternoon, and he'd enjoyed the opportunity to just have some downtime with her. The doctor advised that Kate spend the day on bed rest, and although tomorrow she'd need to take it easy, she wouldn't be the captive audience she was today. Today he held her hand, he placed his hand on the small of her back to support her, he helped her when she needed him. Today he'd been able to lounge on his couch with her and watch movies until she fell asleep. It was a good day and he knew he would miss it. To put it simply, today they were something_ more_ than they'd been the day before. Castle didn't want to lose that.

It occurred to the writer that he was as afraid of losing this new-found closeness as he was of losing the potential pregnancy. He wanted both, he wanted a child, but he also wanted to share in the experience with Kate. _I'm a glutton for punishment_, the writer thought sardonically to himself.

Then again, if the procedure actually worked, there just might be more days like this. There would be so much more. Castle couldn't help but smile to himself as he envisioned Kate growing with their child, holding the tiny infant in her arms, cradling him or her at her breast. He was afraid to hope for what it might mean for them both. The thought of creating life with Kate took his breath away.

_Creating life, _the thought crossed his mind. _Did we actually create life?_ The writer had his doubts. He knew they hadn't. Someone else had and they'd done it without their consent. For as much as the prospect of parenting with her thrilled him, the thought of how the embryos came to be disturbed him beyond comprehension.

Castle couldn't figure out why anyone would do such a thing. Aside from what he'd been able to piece together from his conversations with the boys and Lanie, the writer really wasn't sure why this had occurred. They'd been abducted and drugged, had undergone medical procedures without their consent and someone had taken the time to fertilize and preserve embryos. With those elements, no story the writer could weave together would ease his mind. His imagination only made things worse.

He shuttered to think about what might have been done to the embryos. _Can they even implant? Will they grow? Would a baby created under those circumstances be healthy and normal?_ What if Berring had created something horrific, some freak of nature? Worse than the possibility that any hypothetical child could be a failed science experiment was consideration of the pain it might cause Kate.

"You're borrowing trouble, Richard." Martha Rodgers spoke as she observed her son. He'd been so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn't heard her enter the room. She walked through the front door and looked from Kate, asleep on the couch, to her son. The worry written on his face was plain for all to see.

Martha was surprised by the news of what had happened to him, especially of what they'd done to Kate. The fact that they'd taken her ability to conceive from her broke the older woman's heart. She was also worried about how this all might impact her son. Afterall, she'd watched Kate break his heart again and again. Martha remained with him through the dark summer, the months after the shooting when Kate isolated herself from the world and shut him out.

Martha then watched him build his hopes back up in the subsequent year, only to have them dashed by the news that Kate had no romantic feelings for him. She still didn't believe it. She couldn't believe it. Afterall, the older woman had seen the expression on Kate's face after they were held hostage in that bank.

Of one thing she was sure, Kate Beckett looked at her son in a way that no other woman had. Not his ex-wives, nor the countless girlfriends he'd brought home had ever looked at him with such longing or adoration. Indeed, Martha was convinced that with Kate Beckett still waters ran deep.

She didn't know what was going to happen between them, but she refused to believe that hope was lost for the two. Perhaps a baby, should one result from all of this, would help to bridge the gap between them. Again she looked at the worried expression her son wore.

"Stop borrowing trouble, Richard." She repeated herself.

Martha walked to where he stood in the kitchen, offering his arm a supportive squeeze.

"You both get some rest and take this thing one day at a time."

Castle smiled at his mother, giving her a kiss on the cheek as he nodded. He looked back to the living room to find Kate, still fast asleep. She needed to go to bed, otherwise she'd wake in pain. While the couch was comfortable, it was no place to spend the night. _Especially not when she's got a perfectly comfortable bed upstairs. _He reflected.

The writer sighed to himself. _If she's going to kill me, I guess she'll have to be awake. _He made the decision before he could second-guess himself.

He approached her sleeping form and stripped away the blanket slowly. He then turned her body towards him tentatively so that he could scoop her up. _This is the part where she drop-kicks me, _he smiled as he waited for her to stir. She didn't.

"You really must be out of it." He whispered to her as he turned to carry her towards the stars.

"Mmmmhmmmm." She answered. Apparently, she was awake enough to hear him, and to understand what he was doing. Yet, she allowed him to do it anyway. It was so un-Beckett of her. Castle couldn't help but smirk as she curled herself into the warmth of his body.

He could feel her arms wrap around his neck as he carried her, the sensation of her lips and nose against his neck caused him to falter for just a moment. However, he pulled himself together and carried her silently to her room.

He ignored his racing heart as he placed her in bed, inhaling her scent deeply before he let her go. She nestled beneath the sheets, murmuring something he couldn't discern. Not once did she open her eyes.

Unable to resist the temptation, Castle leaned in and brushed his lips against her forehead.

"Sweet dreams." He whispered into her ear.

He flipped the switch and the room descended into darkness.

"Love you." He didn't hear her sleep-laden reply as he closed the door.

* * *

Kate woke later than normal. She usually was up before the sun rose, having eaten breakfast, read the paper and gone for a run all before daybreak. However, it was mid-morning before she could get out of bed. Despite the fact that she'd slept nearly 12 hours, she still felt exhausted.

While her cramps had eased, her breasts still felt tender and her back was slightly sore. Above all else, she had no energy.

_If this is how the fertility hormones affect me, I shudder to think about how I'll respond to pregnancy,_ Kate thought morbidly to herself. She stared at her reflection in the mirror, taking in the wrinkled clothes she'd worn to bed the night before. _I didn't even change clothes, _she thought forlornly to herself. To say the detective was slightly embarrassed was an understatement.

She'd been awake the entire time, she felt him pull her towards him. She'd allowed him to lift her up and carry her to bed. Yet she hadn't had the energy or the desire to stop him. It was too easy to just let him be chivalrous, and although it went against everything in her independent and self-assured nature, she'd been too tired to argue. Now she would pay the consequences.

Kate was convinced that she would find Castle downstairs, smug and flirtatious. _Oh yeah_, she reflected,_ I'm never going to live this down. _

Kate changed her clothes quickly and splashed water on her face. There was no thought of further delaying the start to her day, as she was too hungry to wait any longer. With a deep breath, she prepared herself for the smugness that would be Richard Castle.

* * *

Kate wasn't sure about what she might find that morning, but a completely quiet loft was the furthest from her mind. When the detective descended the stairs she was met by silence_. Is anyone here?_ She wondered as she entered the kitchen. She needed coffee.

_Oh, no caffeine, right_. She paused as she grabbed a mug from the cabinet, re-thinking her steps. Would caffeine be a problem this early? Could she have just one cup? _What if I'm not even pregnant? _The last thought hit her the hardest, but she had little time to sit with it. Out of the corner of her eye, Kate spotted a post-it on the fridge door, then another sitting on the shelf. A third was on the coffee maker and she finally smiled. Wherever he was, Castle had left her some sort of puzzle.

**Your breakfast is in **_**here**_**.** The note on the fridge read.

She opened the door to find a stack of pancakes with fresh fruit on the side. She peeled back the wax paper and inhaled the aromas. It smelled like heaven and her stomach growled once again.

Kate moved to the cabinet to grab a mug and opened a drawer for silverware when she read the next note. On the coffee maker she observed the words, labeling the pot.

**It's decaf. Deal with it. **

She couldn't help but laugh as she poured herself a cup. He knew her entirely too well. Although she could have taken all day to contemplate the meaning of that realization, Kate chose food. She was too hungry not to. So she mixed the cream into her coffee and grabbed her breakfast plate.

Finally, before moving to the table with her breakfast, Kate read the last note on the counter top.

**Enjoy your breakfast. Mother's teaching class. Alexis is at school. I'm in the office writing, in case you get bored ;-)**

She looked to the slightly cracked door. Kate became curious about his writing process. Afterall, she didn't realize that any room with Castle in it could be so completely quiet. Yet, there he was, working so silently in the next room that she'd thought she was alone in the house. She decided she would leave him in peace as she ate, but would pay him back a little for his endless hours of observation afterwards.

* * *

She rinsed and dried her dishes, leaving the mug out in case she wanted a second cup of coffee. Although it wasn't caffeinated, the smell and taste of coffee in the morning still made her feel slightly more normal, more awake.

Kate smiled as she padded softly towards his office, pushing the door open slightly to find him there. He typed steadily, lost to the world around him. It brought a smile to her face. The detective found it refreshing to watch him in such an immersed state. To be honest, she wasn't sure he'd noticed that she joined him.

Kate sat on the couch, silently observing him work. The furrow on his brow was adorable and she couldn't help but smile. _Will our child have the same look of deep contemplation? Will there be dimples when he or she smiled?_ _Will it's hair be light or dark? Curly or straight?_ She chose to let her mind wander, hoping above all else that any child born would have his blue eyes. His were eyes she loved above all else.

"It's creepy when you stare." He finally spoke.

His eyes never left the computer screen, but his smirk gave him away.

"Payback's a bitch that way." Her tone was light, reflecting the ease she felt in his office. It was such an intimate space, perhaps even more intimate than his bedroom. _Not that I would know, _Kate reminded herself. Still, she imagined that a very private and sacred part of himself lived here, where he brought his imagination to life. She felt privileged to be there.

"Thank you for feeding me." Kate offered. She smiled at him softly. The kind look he offered filled her stomach with butterflies. It as such a new dynamic for them both, and it wasn't altogether unpleasant. The fact was she rather enjoyed it.

"How are you feeling?" Castle questioned. He closed his laptop and stood, moving to join her on the couch.

Kate shrugged. "Tired, and a bit sore. Although to be honest, I'm not sure how much of it is from the actual procedure. I think the hormones really did me in."

Castle took her hand in his own and squeezed it. He rubbed circles rhythmically between her thumb and her forefinger. It was a gesture of intimacy and of comfort, and one that triggered butterflies once again. _If I'm honestly contemplating having a baby with him, I'm going to have to get over this. _It was true. The process of bringing life into the world was going to make them a lot more familiar with each other. It was going to change everything.

* * *

Kate remained with him for another day, but despite his best efforts to convince her otherwise, she returned home the following morning.

"Castle. I'm not an invalid. Besides, I think a little normalcy will help pass the time." She'd argued with him.

He couldn't disagree. With two days behind them, it would be another 8 at the soonest before they would know if she was pregnant. While he wanted nothing more than to have her wait out the time with him, she was ready to return to work and they were both eager for a distraction.

While Kate didn't venture into the field, she did participate in active investigations. She attended crime scenes, confidant that no harm would befall her with cops, medical examiners and crime scene investigators all around her.

She worked the murder board, helping the boys put the pieces together as they went about their business gathering evidence. However, there were no interrogations without backup, no suspect visitations and no take-downs. Essentially, Kate avoided situations that might place her in immediate danger. While it was unlikely that many of these activities would place a pregnancy in danger, a major upset could prevent implantation. It was a risk they weren't willing to take.

Aside from his family, the boys and Lanie, nobody knew of their IVF. There wasn't any point of dragging anybody else into the mix until they knew she was pregnant. Even then, it would likely be after the first trimester before they would share the news, her dad being the exception.

Both partners tried their best to not let their imaginations run wild. It was easy to get lost in the possibilities, in their hopes of a future that might not come to pass. Yet they were afraid to spend too much time there, scared of the devastation that would come to pass if they learned the procedure didn't work.

_Please, _Kate thought to herself on day 8. She couldn't help but place her hands low on her abdomen, cradling herself as if there was something precious inside. The detective knew that this late in the game, that by day 8 she was either pregnant or not pregnant. If the embryos were going to take they would have done so already. Still, it would be too soon for any pregnancy hormone to show up on a test.

Only time would tell, and the waiting was unbearable.


	8. Hallelujah

**Happy Monday. Thanks for reading! This one is a little tough to read, but stick with it. **

* * *

"_**And it's not a cry that you can hear at night.**_

_**It's not somebody who's seen the light.**_

_**It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."**_

_**-Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah**_

* * *

She knocked on his door in the middle of the night, trembling uncontrollably. It was abnormally chilly for an early May evening and was pouring outside. Kate didn't seem to notice or care as she walked the city streets. The chill outside paled in comparison to the emptiness she felt inside. The doorman said nothing. He was too shocked by her appearance as she strolled by, making her way to the elevator. Kate rose her fist to knock at his door. She knew that he'd attended Alexis' graduation. The detective could only hope that he was home.

When Castle opened the door his heart sank. She stood there, soaking wet and broken, tears rolling down her face. Kate looked defeated as she shook her head. It was if she was trying to convince herself that something terrible hadn't just happened. She raised her gaze to meet his and the last shred of whatever it was that was holding her together broke. She held the back of her hand against her mouth to choke the sob that escaped. Her body trembled with the effort of it.

His heart sank. It felt as if someone dumped ice water over his body. Concrete settled in his stomach, so heavy that his knees nearly buckled. Castle was helpless to do anything but pull her into an embrace. He could feel her grasp the sides of his shirt in desperation, clinging to him for life. He didn't want to know. He was afraid to ask. Yet the writer was still determined to not let her face this alone, so he spoke.

"What happened?" His voice wavered. He didn't want an answer. He prayed that she wouldn't respond, wanting to put off the inevitable just one more moment.

"I started bleeding." Came her weak reply. "There was blood, and horrible cramps, and I know what that means." She started to tremble again as she fought against her body's demand to unleash its sorrow.

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" He questioned. She simply shook her head.

"The doctor says that unless I start to bleed heavily, we can wait until our appointment in the morning. I'm not in any danger because I was never pregnant." That caused her to sob once again. They both knew this wasn't a traditional miscarriage.

Castle held her more tightly, brushing the hair from her brow as she fell apart. Tears soon escaped from him as well. They slid down his cheeks and onto the top of her head. A fleeing thought, that he was glad his family was not home, crossed his mind. The writer couldn't help but disbelieve. Although they both knew their chances were not great, they'd dared to hope.

He'd expected to be lucky. He was sure of it. Afterall, his dreams came true. At least they did in most areas. That didn't seem to be the case where she was concerned. Nevertheless, Castle allowed himself to believe. Why else would this second chance be given to her? To them? Surely the universe wasn't this cruel. Yet the trembling woman in his arms gave proof to that awful fact.

Still, Castle wanted to fight it. He wanted to question her. He wanted to ask how she was sure. He wanted her to take a pregnancy test. The writer wanted to grasp at any shred of hope, no matter how small.

Yet he did nothing but hold her. The last thing she needed was an interrogation. The writer pulled back to look into her eyes. They were wide and bloodshot, and she was looking to him for some form of absolution that he could not provide. He grazed his fingers across her cheek bones, wiping away the tears there. She was more open and vulnerable than he'd ever seen her.

"I'm not going anywhere." He whispered, answering a question that Kate could not bring herself to ask.

He laced their fingers together and pulled her inside. She stared at him as he led her towards his bedroom. She'd never been there before and under normal circumstances would be incredibly nervous. However, tonight she only felt cold, numb.

Castle led her into his bathroom where he pulled an oversized towel from the shelf. He helped her to dry herself and watched wordlessly as she stripped down to her underwear. Still, nothing was said.

Kate stared at herself in the mirror as Castle exited. She wasn't sure where he'd gone and didn't seem to care. Instead she fixated her gaze on her stomach, on what she was sure would never be. She nearly fell apart again, but her partner's re-entrance distracted her. He held out an old t-shirt and a pair of draw-string boxers.

"Please." He spoke, urging her to get out of the remainder of her wet clothes. Kate nodded, stripping completely naked after he left her in privacy. This time she couldn't bear to look down, didn't want to think about it anymore.

When she exited his bathroom she saw him there, changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt. He pulled back the covers and invited her there. While it hadn't been her intention to go to his bed that night, the prospect of being anywhere but with him seemed unbearable.

She came without hesitation and together they curled up, taking comfort and solace in one another's arms. On some other night it would have been thrilling. On some other night they would have been captivated by the way their bodies fit together, just right. However, this was not that night. On this night he simply wrapped her up in his comforter and his arms, wanting to chase their sorrow away. There was only silence between them as the thunder sounded outside.

After some time she spoke.

"I wanted to take a test. I wanted to be sure." Her voice was unsteady.

"Did you?" Came his reply.

"I couldn't." Lanie told me that the hormones might produce a false positive and I don't think I could take looking, I can't imagine putting myself through that. Castle nodded, pulling her close to him once again. She buried her head in the crook of his neck and couldn't help but reflect once again on how she fit perfectly there.

At the moment Kate felt like she wanted to just sleep. She wanted to sleep and never wake up, and she wanted to do it in Castle' arms.

After a period of silence, he spoke. "You know, we could still do this."

Her breathing stilled in his arms, and he could tell that she was waiting for him to continue. He took her cue and elaborated.

"If you wanted to be a mom, even if it wasn't your biological child… I would be in it with you. You wouldn't have to do it alone."

Kate wondered if she was hearing him correctly. _Is he saying what I think he's saying?_ It seemed illogical to her. After everything they'd been through, after how angry he'd been with her. _Surely he doesn't mean it._ He didn't give her time to second-guess herself again.

"I would raise a child with you, any child with you, in a heartbeat." His words left no doubt in her mind.

"You would?" She pulled back and studied his face with mild disbelief. Her eyes were still bloodshot, and she could see the matching pain in his.

"There isn't anyone else I would rather do it with." Came his reply.

Before she could think twice about it, Kate leaned in to brush her lips softly against his. It was tentative and lasted only a moment, yet it spoke volumes on her feelings for him. The contact was brief and in the next moment she rested her forehead against his. In fact, Castle had to convince himself that it really had happened. The lingering taste of her on his lips confirmed that fact.

Still, neither were in any condition to take things further. There was nothing even remotely sexual in her kiss. they were too raw, too devastated to focus on anything but their loss.

"I wanted it so badly." She spoke after some time. The words came quickly, bringing about another sob.

Castle pulled her closer, enveloping her in his arms and throwing one of his legs across her thigh. It was as close as they could physically be and yet it wasn't enough.

"I know." He whispered his reply.

She balled her fists into his t-shirt and rubbed soothing circles into her back. He rocked them gently back and forth until her breathing steadied.

After some time, they finally fell asleep.

* * *

Early the next morning she awoke in his arms. Kate felt better and was more at peace than she had the night before. She was safe, warm, and surrounded by the familiar smell that was _him_. It was a scent that she'd been _addicted_ to for years. It surrounded her and comforted her. In those moments, Kate didn't ever want to leave his bed. She didn't want to face reality. However, those moments were fleeting and soon the harsh reality caught up with her.

The severe cramping and bleeding from the day before had subsided and she rested comfortably in Castle's arms. She noticed the early morning light drifting through the blinds and felt the squeeze of arms informing her that he was awake too. His leg was still draped around her, and one of hers had shifted between his during the night. They were now in an odd human-pretzel like position, yet it felt natural.

Neither was in a hurry to start the day, despite the fact that Kate had an appointment with the doctor in just under two hours. Given the procedure's failure, it was an appointment they couldn't afford to miss. The detective already had an idea of what was to come. She'd read up on unsuccessful IVF. They likely wouldn't need to perform any type of procedure, as Kate would simply stop taking the hormones. Once they were discontinued she would likely just bleed until it was over.

The emptiness felt more bearable because Castle was with her, but the pain was still very much present. Although he told her that he would father her children, biological or not, Kate was not convinced that such things would come to pass. They certainly would talk about it in the future, but right now she just wanted to get her appointment over.

* * *

Kate was seated on the examination table, paper gown tied in place as she stared at the wall ahead. Her mind wandered with any and all thoughts that would distract her from what she was doing. She told Castle that he didn't have to come.

"_There really isn't any reason, you know." She spoke that morning, calling from his bathroom as she dressed in the same clothes she'd worn the day before. At least now they were dry. _

"_I was there in the beginning, and I'll be there for this. I told you Kate, I'm not going anywhere." She didn't respond. Instead she stared at her own reflection, hating herself a little bit for what she perceived to be her own shortcomings. Things were quiet between them as they prepared to leave the loft._

_ It wasn't a tense of angry silence, but that brought about by two people lost in their own thoughts. They knew it was going to be a rough day, and neither had the energy or capacity to think past the appointment. A slight squeeze to her hand was the only physical contact between them as they made their way from the loft; each preparing themselves in their own way for what the day was to bring. _

The doctor didn't react to their news. She gave no indication of sympathy as she listened to the information Kate provided. She'd been a fertility specialist long enough to know that emotions ran high, and that false hope could be dangerous. The failure of IVF was devastating. This case would be even more so because she knew it was their only chance.

The doctor could tell that both partners were weary, so she said nothing. Instead, she drew blood silently, instructing Kate lay back in preparation of an exam. The specialist could tell that hope was lost for the couple, and while she wasn't convinced herself, she wasn't willing to set them up for heartbreak again. So she waited, allowing the blood to speak for itself.

She performed her examination, wanting to ensure that there was no major bleeding concern, and waited for the nurse to return with the lab tests before she spoke. The doctor looked over the paperwork, and despite the somber mood of the couple in the room, was not at all surprised by the results.

"You've got a long road ahead of you." She informed them. Her tone was soft and light.

Kate sat up, looking to the doctor and nodding. She figured that therapy would likely be in store, after such a letdown she couldn't imagine navigating alternatives to parenting on her own. There would also be the task of getting her back on a regular hormone replacement therapy schedule, as the rushed pregnancy attempt had certainly thrown things off. The detective was glad to have Castle by her side in spite of their loss. She had never been more grateful that he'd pushed back when she told him he didn't need to be there. It was a true testimony to his dedication.

He squeezed her hand and his expression communicated, _We're going to be ok_. She wanted to believe him. Perhaps this had all happened for the purpose of bringing them back together. At the very least the rift between them had been repaired. It still didn't dull the pain of disappointment she felt.

"So do I stop taking the hormones then?" Kate asked.

"Absolutely not." She insisted, a smile spreading across her face.

Both Castle and Beckett stared at her in confusion, blank expressions on her faces. He took her hand into his own, lacing their fingers as if the gesture would somehow bring her strength to get through this.

"I know you were concerned about bleeding, but your Beta HCG levels are quite elevated, Kate." The doctor spoke. The couple simply stared at her, clearly not comprehending the news. So she tried a more direct approach.

"Kate, you're pregnant."

* * *

**AN: My intention was not to drag you through heartbreak for no reason, but to accurately portray IVF. False positives, terrifying spotting (bleeding) and false negatives happen all the time. It is something that is filled with uncertainty, hope and heartbreak and I wanted to do it justice. I hope I did.**

**As usual, links to twitter and tumblr are on my profile. I will post a link to the version of Hallelujah I used while writing the first part of this chapter (Acoustic version, Jeff Buckley). **


	9. Be Right There

**I think I'm firmly on a two chapter a week schedule now. **

* * *

"_**I swear to you, I will always be there for you.**_

_**There's nothing I won't do.**_

_**I promise you, all my life I will live for you.**_

_**We will make it through."**_

_**-Bryan Adams (Be Right There)**_

* * *

"You're Pregnant." The doctor spoke.

Kate stared at her blankly, the words not translating.

They'd spent the morning in silence, neither able to find words to describe their pain. Kate felt completely empty that morning, grappling with defeat and self-hatred. They'd expected the doctor to confirm her suspicions. For his part, the biggest thing that Castle was concerned with was helping her, helping _them,_ to get through this.

"I'm sorry, what?" Kate asked. Her mind raced as she tried to absorb the news. _But I was bleeding, I lost it, it failed. _She looked down to her lap when she felt a hand brush against hers. Castle laced their fingers together and listened to the doctor.

"Spotting is common," She spoke to the both of them. It was clear they were in shock. "It could be from the implanting or it could just be your body's reaction during this early stage of the pregnancy."

"I'm pregnant." Kate repeated the doctor. Her words seemed both like a question and a statement as she wrapped her brain around it. She clutched Castle's hand a little tighter, as if he could somehow anchor her and stop her from jumping out of her own skin. The mixture of elation, disbelief and mild terror filled her at the same time. It was incredibly overwhelming and confusing.

"It worked?" Castle wasn't able to let go of Kate's hands, and neither realized that they were squeezing one another so hard that their fingers were turning white. He pulled their joined hands to touch them with his lips. His lungs pulled in as much air as would allow, releasing a breath of relief.

"It worked." Kate echoed. She turned to face him, a timid joy slowly replacing the disbelief on her face. He kissed her fingers and he blinked against the welling moisture in his eyes.

"It worked." The doctor spoke. The words still didn't quite compute for the couple. It was clear to her that they had not only prepared themselves for the worst, but they'd resigned themselves to it. It was clear that they needed time, so she spoke again briefly, preparing to making her exit.

"Now, I want to see you back in one week so that we can check your blood hormone levels again." She informed them as she removed her gloves and washed her hands.

"So is it just one, or did both implant?" Castle asked. Kate was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't think about it. _Holy hell, twins?_

"It's too soon to tell that. It will be weeks before we can confirm whether one or both took." The specialist spoke.

Kate barely grasped what the doctor was telling her, the words _you're pregnant_ still circling within her brain. Time seemed to slow down and became surreal. _Is this really happening?_ She thought to herself.

Castle squeezed her hand again, somehow relaying that he knew what she was thinking and he was right there with her. She could feel the excitement coming off him in waves. He could hardly contain it. Kate still felt dazed. It was such a stark contrast from her pain and devastation the night before. _I was so sure it failed. _

The doctor cleared her throat, again stating her instructions to repeat a blood test in the following week. Because the specialist knew that Kate was still grasping the news, she wrote her instructions down for them to take home. It would likely be some time before they were ready to plan for the next steps. She wrote some notes onto her clipboard and explained what she'd written down to them.

"This early in the pregnancy, the best we can do to monitor is to check your HCG levels. Within days they should double, if not triple. It gives us a picture of how well things are progressing in these early days."

"What happens if they don't? What happens if the hormone levels don't increase as much as you think they will? " Kate asked.

"It would indicate that things aren't progressing the way we would want them to. It can clue us in on any problems." She smiled as a look of apprehension crossed Kate's face. It really was an emotional rollercoaster in these early weeks.

"What sorts of problems?" Castle wanted some clarification. He looked as if his entire universe hinged on what the doctor said next. Kate turned to face him, truly examining his reaction. _He's really in this with me. _It was a fact that comforted her.

"If the embryo doesn't properly develop and grow, your hormone levels will not rise, so low levels can clue us in to a potential miscarriage." The doctor was careful in her words, not wanting to scare the couple any more than necessary. In attempt to appease them, she continued to speak.

"I don't anticipate there will be any problems. In my practice, the vast majority of patients who experience successful implantation go on to carry a child to term." Kate smiled, some relief crossing her face as the doctor reassured her.

"The statistics were not in your favor when we attempted IVF, and you were successful anyhow." She smiled at them congratulatory. "Now the odds are in your favor." She clarified.

In unison, both Castle and Beckett let out an exhale, slightly comforted by her words.

"I'll let you dress now." The doctor handed Castle a paper with her written instructions and left the room.

They simply stared at one another, trying to process the news. Despite the fact that she had been incredibly self-conscious in the past, Kate no longer cared about her state of undress. She looked down to where their hands were still clasped and pulled them both to touch her abdomen. She smiled in wonder as she felt his fingers caress what was beneath the thin, paper material loosely tied around her. She felt his warmth against her stomach. Together they looked there, taking in in the spot where they envisioned their child to be growing.

_Our child. _The swell of joy filled her with butterflies and the tears of joy finally overwhelmed her. He turned to pull her close, both savoring the precious gift they were going to share.

This was really going to happen.

* * *

They sat in the diner after their appointment, both stunned beyond words and wearing matching goofy grins. As they waited for the waitress to bring their usual, Kate stirred her ice water with a straw. She was completely lost in her own thoughts. _Is there really life growing inside of me? Is this what it feels like to be pregnant? _She didn't really know what to expect, or how a person felt when they were pregnant.

"We should stop by the pharmacy." Castle spoke suddenly. His words seemed to come out of nowhere and Kate visibly startled with the utterance. She raised her eyes to meet his, the confusion evident on her face.

"Huh?" It was less than graceful, but Beckett wasn't incredibly in touch with how she should be acting.

"Prenatal vitamins. You should be taking prenatal vitamins." He elaborated. "And definitely no on the caffeine." He continued to ramble on.

"You'll need clothes, and some really good pillows. Do you have food in your fridge? Because your temple of takeout isn't going to cut it anymore." He was completely serious, and somewhat nervous as he spoke.

He made her smile. _There really isn't anyone else I'd rather do this with_, she thought fondly to herself. Once again, the full force of what they were committed to sank in.

"I started taking prenatal vitamins after the initial exam. My doctor gave them to me." She looked back down to the menu in front of her. There wasn't any real need for the menu, considering that they'd already ordered.

"I think I've got some time before I need new clothes." She spoke teasingly, but softened when his expression of nervousness didn't dissipate.

"How about we go grocery shopping this afternoon? I took the day off because…" She paused,

"Because you didn't think you'd want to be around people after the appointment" He completed her sentence and took her hand once more.

"We were both pretty convinced that things weren't going to go our way." Kate simply nodded, looking back to the menu and playing with the frayed edges. Now her silence was loaded, and Castle waited for her to express whatever was on her mind. She was definitely grappling with something more pressing than maternity clothes and groceries.

"Is this how it feels?" Her voice was unsure, a bit shaky. She still stared down, considering the double cheeseburger on the menu. _Maybe I should have ordered salad instead of fries. _The random thought floated through her muddled mind. While the average person might have been completely lost, they'd always had a special connection. The partners always were on the same wave length. This was no exception. Without the need to clarify her question, Castle simply answered.

"Shock. Excitement. Numbness. Terror. Joy." He listed them one by one, "Pretty much." While he'd only been through it once, he vividly recalled how he felt when he learned he would be a father. Those emotions were present once again in that diner.

His hand soon covered hers, prompting her to finally look up from her menu and into his eyes.

"But," He began, "there is comfort in knowing that you're not alone in it." Kate smiled at him.

"I was so sure last night. I was so sure that it had failed. I guess I just couldn't truly accept the possibility that we would have been successful." Castle smiled, understanding her state of mind completely.

"Yay uterius!" He joked, attempting to make her smile and lighten the weight of the situation. It worked. Kate simply rolled her eyes and swatted at him. Soon the seriousness returned.

"I know, Kate. I'd lost hope too." He brushed his fingers across the back of her hand, sending chills throughout her body. Soon she turned her hands so that his fingers were stroking her palms.

She smiled at him and he returned the gesture whole-heartedly. Their fingers continued to caress in an innocent yet incredibly intimate manner. Her heart sped up as they slowed the caress, the tension of all they'd never said making itself known. She shook it off. There was simply too much else to process now. She couldn't afford to give her attention to the subtle changes in their relationship.

"We're going to have a baby, Castle." It was a whisper, and her eyes watered as she spoke the words.

* * *

As the weeks passed she noticed that he was touching her more. He was touching her and she liked it. It was subtle, fingers brushing against her hand, pressing into the small of her back, brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Each gesture was small, but together they represented something far greater. Kate decided that she enjoyed it. She liked having him around more in general. Beyond their partnership, they developed something that neither could define, they simply _were. _

After they'd gone grocery shopping, he stayed to cook dinner for her. While she insisted it wasn't necessary, Castle seemed so excited that she didn't have the heart to tell him no. Besides, she wasn't ready to say goodnight to him that evening.

What started as one meal together turned into many. He took her to dinner, they alternated cooking meals for one another, evenings were spent watching movies or playing games with his family. She even found herself reading on the couch in his office, allowing the rhythm of his steady typing to ease her mind. To an outsider, it would seem that they were _dating_. The thought made Kate smile. Still, neither questioned nor spoke of the increase in time spent together.

Their relationship was in an odd type of stasis. There was still much unsaid, but both were too happy, and too afraid that their bubble would burst if either brought up what was unspoken. They were under no impression that their current dynamic was sustainable, but for the time being it was enough.

While they'd told Martha, Alexis and Lanie that she was pregnant, nobody else knew. Both partners agreed that it was simply too soon.

"I want to wait a little bit longer. We can't even hear a heartbeat yet," she told him. Kate was right; it would be several weeks before they would be able to detect their baby's heartbeat.

For all the time they spent in each other's company, there was very little mention of long-term plans were the baby was concerned in those early days and weeks. It was still too soon for them to put too much time and energy into planning. Afterall, she was still in the danger zone where the pregnancy was concerned. They desperately wanted for things to work out. They wanted this baby and wanted to do it together. However, their feelings ran much deeper than the child Kate now carried. The partners couldn't help but fear that if Kate lost the baby, they might lose the ground they'd gained with one another. She was determined to not let that happen; only she wasn't sure how to achieve that.

His family held to the same tentative happiness. They were excited and hopeful, but nobody wanted to go buying clothes and painting nurseries until they were reasonably certain that things would work out.

* * *

At the precinct things went on as usual, yet Kate remained hands-off when it came to dangerous situations. Although they'd made the decision to not share their news yet, Beckett decided that it was in her best interest to come clean to Gates. It was the only way she could guarantee not placing herself in danger.

"Sir, I think it's important that you know I'm pregnant." Kate spoke confidently to her boss. She stood tall, locking her gaze with Gates as she shared her news. This was not something to be ashamed about. She was a detective, but she also wanted a family. The two could be balanced and Kate reasoned that she had the right to try.

The detective didn't want her insecurity to show. She wanted to present a strong front. She also did not offer any information as to who the father was. Afterall, Gates knew nothing of her infertility. As far as Kate could tell, the captain would assume she'd gotten pregnant the natural way. There was no indication that Gates knew about the embryos, about her involvement in the case. While she had lost it in front of her where Berring was concerned, no details were given as to why Kate had lost her composure.

"So, are congratulations in order?" Gates questioned. She wasn't sure if the detective was happy or not.

"Yes, sir. Although it is still very early." She thought for a moment before she added, "It's actually so early that I'm not telling anyone else. I just thought you needed to know because I'll be needing to avoid any potentially threatening situations."

"Absolutely, detective." Gates nodded and reached out to take Kate's hand. She shook it cordially.

"Well then. Congratulations." The captain was genuinely happy for her detective. She knew first hand that life was more than career.

"You can continue to offer contributions here in the precinct and at crime scenes. You're welcome to interview family members and witnesses, but absolutely no contact with identified suspects. I will also expect that another officer be with you during interviews." Kate nodded. She'd expected this much from her captain.

"Oh, and detective? Castle does _not_ count as an officer. You need _proper_ backup." Beckett smirked. She would have rolled her eyes, but Gates was still staring directly at her. She nodded.

"Yes sir."

"We'll re-evaluate things as you progress in the pregnancy." She smiled as she placed her glasses on and waived the detective out of her office.

"Thank you sir." Kate sighed with relief. Gates gave her a warm smile and returned to the mountain of paperwork on her desk.

* * *

In the break room she filled Castle in on the conversation.

"So she didn't ask you who the father was?" The writer questioned.

"She didn't even ask how far along I was." Kate replied.

"To tell you the truth, I'm surprised she didn't push me for more details." She added while stirring the decaf latte that Castle prepared for her.

Castle shrugged, "Well, she worked in internal affairs long enough to probably know better than to press too much into the matter. There are all sorts of laws protecting your right to privacy."

Kate nodded. Above all else she was relieved that Gates didn't bring up the possibility that Castle was the father. Afterall, they weren't even in a relationship. She could only imagine what might happen if they were, or even if someone with clout at the precinct thought they were. There were always rumors, but Kate imagined as word spread, so would the murmurs behind their backs.

It could mean the end of their partnership, and with everything that was changing in her life, losing her partner was the last thing she wanted.

"One day at a time." Castle spoke softly to her. She took his hand briefly and squeezed, before dropping it; looking through the window to be sure they'd not been seen.

Kate simply smiled at him. It would seem that, once again, he knew exactly where her mind was. His words gave her the reassurance and comfort. She loved him for that.


	10. Unlike Me

**Major thanks to the fabulous dtrekker for her amazing cover art!**

* * *

"_**You stare at me and ask me questions,**_

_**It makes me nervous.**_

_**This room it keeps a constant tone. **_

_**While I'm on a roller coaster."**_

_**-Unlike Me, Kate Havnevik**_

* * *

As the early weeks passed, Kate returned several times to have a physical exam. Each visit revealed ideal levels of all the necessary hormones. They'd informed her that it was typical to see higher levels than were present if she were pregnant with twins, so they suspected that it was a single developing embryo. Still, it was too soon to tell anything for sure and hormones alone would be no indicator of a singleton versus twins. Kate knew that they would have to wait until around 5 weeks before they could have an ultrasound to determine whether both embryos had implanted. For the time being they would operate under the assumption that there was only one. She'd been given additional shots of progesterone to continue facilitation of healthy development within her uterus. The embryo needed a good blood supply to ensure a lush and nourishing environment to grow.

Castle joined her for every appointment without fail. He insisted on it. Although he left the room while she changed into the infamous hospital gowns, there was no longer any awkwardness between them. In fact, he helped her straighten out and tighten the strings on occasion. While she wouldn't allow her backside to be exposed to him, he would often give her shoulders a supportive rub as she sat on the table awaiting the doctor. Kate was feeling increasingly sore and tired, and his soothing hands were often a great relief.

"Your HCG levels continue to be perfect, Kate." The doctor informed her happily. "There is no reason to believe that things aren't progressing normally." She smiled at them both. It was a shock for the clinic staff to learn that they weren't actually a couple. They were just friends who were going to have a baby together. It was odd to watch them though, as anyone who watched them could see how they looked at one another. There was pure adoration on both parts, especially when they weren't aware they were being watched.

The fact that the pregnancy seemed to be progressing normally was a relief for both Castle and Beckett to hear. Their baby had implanted and was growing. The doctor explained that there was now a developing child within its amniotic sac and placenta. The former would protect it and the latter sustain its life.

This was no longer simply a clump of cells. Kate was definitely pregnant and there was no indicator that it would change. Each day Kate grew more confidant in the pregnancy, in this growing child, as well as she did in her body's ability to nourish and support it.

For his part, Castle's excitement grew too. He found Kate's reaction to the pregnancy was wondrous thing to behold. Although there were no physical signs to the casual observer, it was still much too early for that, she seemed more content. There was softness about her and he loved it. He loved knowing that he was a part of all of this. He couldn't help but imagine changes in her body that he wasn't privileged to see. It reminded him that although they were having a baby, he still wasn't intimate with her. He didn't know her body, couldn't see the subtleties beneath her clothing, those early signs brought about in the first weeks pregnancy.

Kate could see those changes. At least she thought she did. Sometimes she believed that she was looking too hard and imagining things. However, there were times when she was certain. Her breasts felt tender, looked rounder and she swore they were slightly darker. When she turned to her side and looked in the mirror she would watch herself studiously, as if expecting a bump to appear. However, none had yet. She did notice an increase in her appetite and found herself feeling more emotional. All in all, it reminded her of the pre-menstrual symptoms she had before her ova were taken. The biggest difference was the bizarre dreams she started to have.

Sometimes Castle was in her dreams, and others he wasn't. Every now and then she dreamt of them making love, prompting her to wake in need of a cold shower. She often held a baby in her arms when she dreamt, although from time to time she would put it down. The worst dreams were the ones where she recalled putting the infant down, but couldn't remember where it was. Her dream was spent in a panic as she looked in odd places, like her purse, the refrigerator or a kitchen cabinet for the infant.

Then came the dreams that just made no logical sense, she would see animals of odd colors, random objects floating in space, or the floor would open up beneath her. During a recent dream she was floating down a river, watching an infant swim by. At one point she dreamt that her bed was falling into a sinkhole.

When Kate awakened in the middle of the night she would call him, seeking comfort after the alarming dreams and sharing the oddity from others. She never told him about the erotic dreams. At first she felt bad for waking him in the night, but he insisted that he wanted her to do so.

Castle wanted to be part of this pregnancy, and if that included strange dreams then so be it. If he thought she would agree, he would have invited her to sleep at the loft at night. Then she could wake him in person and they could lay together deep into the night, making plans and sharing the experience of pregnancy with one another. It reminded him that he didn't have the intimacy he truly wanted. He might never have it. So, for the time being, he resigned himself to watch from a distance. There was too much for her to grapple with where the pregnancy was concerned and he didn't want to push her away.

* * *

Every now and then Castle would catch Kate staring down at her own stomach, hands placed softly on her abdomen as she allowed herself to get lost in her own thoughts. It was those moments, when she didn't know he was watching, that Castle fell in love with her all over again. It became increasingly difficult for him to balance his excitement about the baby, his desire to share in her pregnancy and be a parent with her, with the reality that he still had to live with. A baby didn't change the fact that she'd lied to him about remembering his confession of love.

Still, this was about allowing Kate to be a mother. He reminded himself that he was not the man she chose. He was the man that Berring had chosen. _If she'd been able to preserve any of her eggs, would she have turned to these embryos? Would she still have turned to me? _Castle would get lost in his insecurities. _Would she have asked someone else to fertilize them? Would she have gone to a clinic instead_? He knew that she was happy to have him by her side, but it was as a close friend and partner. He was not the man she would have chosen to be her lover, to have a family with.

Nevertheless, he felt their friendship was strong enough to serve as a foundation for co-parenting. Castle rationalized the disconnect between his feelings and his actions, _If friendship is what she needs to be a mother, what we need to have this child, then I'll give it to her. _Nevertheless, the reality that he wanted to be more and she didn't was still something Castle struggled with. Pregnancy didn't undo the fact that she didn't love him back. He amended his thoughts on the matter, _she does love me, _the recent changes in their relationship testified to that. S_he's just not in love with me, _it pained him to accept that fact, but no amount of hoping would change it. He was dedicated to this baby regardless.

Despite his feelings, Castle couldn't help but get carried away with thoughts of the child they would have. The writer also looked forward to the signs that would come. He watched her and envisioned how she would change. He imagined how her lithe body would transform; how her body would soften and her stomach would swell in the months to come. As he became lost in thoughts of how she would transform, he was filled with pride. It was a confusing and exciting time for him, and Castle resigned himself to live with the contradiction of trying to love her without being _in love_ with her.

* * *

Despite the lack of physical changes in those early days, other signs of pregnancy began presenting themselves in prominent ways as time passed. Not all of those signs were good. In fact, by the fourth week Caste noticed her coloring start to change. She became paler and he rarely saw her eat. When she did, the detective would soon be sick. Despite her best efforts to hide the morning sickness, it was becoming more and more difficult to not buckle under the nearly ever-present nausea.

It would seize her, and would do so at times when she didn't expect it. Her body seemed to turn on her, making her violently ill. The sickness made Kate more than just physically uncomfortable. She felt vulnerable. _Not again_, she thought to herself sardonically. She'd worked so hard to leave behind the weakness that crippled her after the shooting, the feeling that her own body was betraying her. Yet here she was, unable to function on some days. It wasn't a sight that Kate was comfortable letting anyone see. _I've been working so hard to make herself better for Castle, and now this. _Surely this was a setback. Kate Beckett was strong and she was independent, and the desire avoid being perceived as any less than that was something she clung to.

As the symptoms worsened, Kate distanced herself. At times she didn't realize she was doing it. Nevertheless, they were spending fewer evenings together and Kate often declined to join him for lunch. At first it was hurtful and confusing, but Castle soon suspected the reason behind her change. He would move to touch her and she would back away. It was subtle, but her actions were not lost on him. He was familiar enough with morning sickness, with the desire to not be touched or to have space, to not take her behavior personally. He also understood that this was his partner; and Kate Beckett did not like to be vulnerable. At the moment her body seemed to be revolting. Castle reminded himself, _If she didn't need space, she wouldn't be Beckett._

"I'm fine, Castle." She insisted when she would sway under the effects of her nausea. The slightest smells seemed to set it off. While the detective knew she would feel some discomfort, this far surpassed her expectations.

What threw her off the most were the headaches. At random times horrible migraines would overtake her. Kate would suddenly stand from the chair at her desk, alarming Castle as she moved to the break room couch. She would turn the lights off and just lay down, praying for the pain to pass.

* * *

The boys started to notice the changes, but said little. It was clear that whatever was wrong was something she wanted to keep private.

They let it go because they could see that Castle was very much aware and involved. He'd become her partner in so many senses, and truth be told, the boys were relieved to see that the pair were once again getting along. Afterall, watching the divide grow between them had been painful.

For the time being, Esposito and Ryan were content to watch them work through whatever was going on between them in private. If relying on Castle to help her through whatever it was that was making her ill helped, they were happy to sit back and let him take the lead. They had faith in the writer and believed she couldn't be in better hands.

In spite of her discomfort, Kate couldn't understand what was wrong with her. Rationally, she knew she was suffering from nausea associated with an influx of hormones in her body. _Of course I've got morning sickness, but why am I pushing away the one person who understands? _

It was the latter that bothered her. She wanted Castle to be there. She cherished the new intimacy they shared, the time spent together. However, she also watched how he worried about her. She could see how helpless he felt when she became ill or uncomfortable. The distress was written all over his face. Kate couldn't bear to see him like that. She felt responsible for his anguish and it tore her apart.

Kate knew that her morning sickness would pass, so she reasoned that they could spend some time apart until the worst of it was over. She was accustomed to suffering in silence. Truth be told, the detective didn't know of any other way. Kate reasoned that it wasn't that big of a deal anyhow. They still spent time together at work and would see one another on several evenings.

_This is all temporary, soon I'll feel better and we'll be back to how we were. We'll move forward again. _That was what Kate told herself on the days she needed space. Afterall, she didn't need him there to pull her hair back as she vomited, and it seemed lately that being sick was all she did. The last thing she wanted was for him to worry. Thus, Kate did her best to put on a strong front.

* * *

As time progressed Kate thought that things would get better, or at least reach some level of normal, but the nausea and vomiting only got worse. She felt utterly exhausted and was often unsteady on her feet. Instead of gaining weight, she appeared to be losing it. Her resolve was crumbling rapidly.

Castle watched with great concern, wanting to help her, but unsure how to do so. He was confused by her behavior, but his concern for her well-being was rapidly outweighing her need for space. _  
_

"I just need some time, Castle. I'm not feeling my best right now." She told him on a Friday afternoon after he'd suggested she spend the evening at the loft. It was a practice they'd become accustomed to before she'd descended into morning sickness. _She seemed so committed on doing this together. _As he watched her pull away, Castle became more frustrated. It was becoming more difficult to just let her have space. _That child is mine too, she can't simply dismiss me as she wishes anymore. _Castle knew that they were rapidly approaching a breaking point.

All willingness to give Kate space went out the window by the middle of the fifth week of her pregnancy. It was mid-morning and she'd been working the murder board. He noted the lack of color on her face, observed how her personality seemed to drain, and made himself available to steady her when she became dizzy.

"This is not ok." He whispered to her as she grasped the side of her desk suddenly.

Kate didn't have the strength to argue with him. She just wanted to be alone, to lay down somewhere and sleep. Her head was spinning. She felt that it was spinning more often than not lately. It seemed that only respite she felt was during sleep. Instead of pushing him back or fighting with him she simply allowed him to help her.

"Tea." She requested. It was one of the few things that she seemed able to hold down.

He'd retreated to the break room to prepare a cup of peppermint tea. Of all the things he'd imagined, Castle couldn't believe that the smell of coffee would put her off. Yet, it did. He was contemplating the severity of her morning sickness as he returned to her desk. He'd gone through the nausea and vomiting, the mood swings and exhaustion, the sensitivity to smell with Meredith. However, it would appear that whatever Kate was suffering from was far more serious. The writer was out of his league.

At first he didn't spot her. _Did she go to the bathroom? Was she sick again?_ He vowed to bring up her condition during their appointment next week. _This isn't normal._ Castle's suspicions were confirmed and he was filled with panic in the next moment. As he rounded her desk he find her collapsed on the floor. She appeared to be unconscious.

"Kate!" He set the tea on her desk with such force to splash peppermint on her paperwork.

Castle called her name as he knelt beside her. He tried to control his panic as he moved to feel for a pulse. However, the need to check her vital signs was not needed. In the next moment she moaned, turning to face him with confusion.

"What happened?" She questioned. She sat up slowly, rubbing her temples in discomfort.

Castle was too worried to answer her question. _Enough is enough_, he was resolved to care for her whether she wanted it or not. _He_ was this baby's father and she needed help. _I shouldn't have let it go this far,_ he reasoned.

"Come on Kate," He helped her to stand, "We're going to the hospital."

* * *

**AN: I understand that many of you would write this differently. Hell, I've re-written entire chapters when the characters don't seem to agree with the plot. I totally respect everyone's interpretation... Further, I appreciate your feedback and perspectives!**

** Regardless, I will stick to my guns that (even though it would be nice), there is no magic moment of "We're having a baby! So let's talk about everything and live happily ever after." Things will develop naturally and in a time frame I've got outlined. In the mean time thanks for coming along for the ride! I hope you continue to enjoy it. **


	11. Keep Breathing

_Happy reading and thanks for your reviews. _

* * *

_**"The storm is coming, but I don't mind. People are dying. I close my blinds.**_

_**All that I know is I'm breathing now."**_

_**-Keep Breathing (Ingrid Michaelson)**_

* * *

"We're going to the hospital." He spoke. Kate simply nodded. She had the energy to do little else than to lean against him for support. The urge to vomit was so strong that Kate was relieved by the fact that there was nothing in her stomach.

He steadied her as she tried to stand. Kate couldn't remember falling to the ground. What she did remember was severe waive of nausea overcoming her, then the feeling of a cold sweat coursing through her body. The next thing she knew, she was on the floor and Castle was calling to her. The room was too bright and each time she opened her eyes she felt forced to close them again.

The only respite she felt from her pain and nausea came from Castle's steady and comforting touch. The detective didn't fight it. She allowed him to help her up, leaned into him as they made their way from the precinct and to the hospital. She had little time or energy to be embarrassed for needing the help. In fact, the detective figured she was successful by the mere fact that he didn't need to carry her.

She leaned against the car as he moved to open the door. He had her pinned against the frame with his body, ensuring that she remain standing. The gesture, although awkward under normal circumstances, was incredibly comforting. His warm body felt like an anchor, providing solid ground when it felt like the earth was shifting beneath her feet. For her part, Kate wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her head just above his shoulder blade. She took slow, deep breaths, and found that the pain in her head and upheaval in her stomach soon calmed. It was the first true relief she'd felt all day; since she could remember in fact.

Kate dozed off in the car and it seemed like only moments before they were at the hospital. He instructed her to wait in the car for a moment while he went to speak with an attendant. For the first time, she was truly glad that her partner had some pull with powerful people in the city. He was able to use his social status to bypass the emergency room and get Kate into a private space of her own.

* * *

As they sat side by side on the hospital bed, Kate started to feel the nausea set in again.

She leaned against him and inhaled deeply. Once more, her stomach settled. _Interesting_, she thought to herself. Kate wasn't sure she'd ever be able to admit it to Castle, but evidently his smell was the only thing to calm her system. She'd never live it down. However, in that moment she felt too poorly to try to hide it. The writer didn't question her behavior anyhow. He was glad to see her pulling herself close once again. The writer was also determined that he would do everything in his power to not allow Kate to pull away again.

The room was quiet and the ticking clock on the wall was one of the few things keeping Kate awake. She leaned further into him, placing the weight of her body against his as he shifted to take her in his arms completely. She concentrated not on her nausea, but on the scent of his aftershave, his cologne, the scent of _him, and _further calmed her weary stomach. It gave her a bit more balance. The searing pain in her head subsided once more as she took slow, deep breaths. With her head now resting against his chest, she allowed the feel of his steadily beating heart to calm her. Kate was sure she could sleep for hours in his arms and in that moment she wanted nothing more.

Soon a nurse entered the room, jolting them both from their restful positions. She took Kate's vital signs and scribbled a few notes before gathering several supplies. The medical staff had a fairly good idea as to what was happening based on their intake evaluation alone. She was in her first trimester and she wasn't bleeding, chances were there was very little immediate danger to the baby- aside from the obvious dehydration. Kate was instructed to roll over as they administered a shot to her lower left hip. She shifted herself back against Castle, partially facing him and wrapping her arms around his neck to stabilize her.

"Ouch!" came a cry as the needle punctured her skin. The nurse looked alarmed as she looked at the man who cried out.

Castle looked slightly embarrassed as Beckett smirked at him.

"You dug your nails into my neck." He offered. Kate smiled softly and replied.

"Next time you take a shot to the hip. Those things hurt like hell." He squeezed her in reply, planting a kiss against her temple.

"The shot will help with the nausea." Kate nodded as she turned back around, bringing herself to rest her back against Castle once again. His arms were open and waiting for her. She rested there as the nurse completed her list of vital signs on Kate.

Although the woman told them that an exam would be performed to ensure the safety of the baby, the most pressing issue was Kate's apparent illness. After removing the blood pressure cuff, the nurse took Kate's arm to place an IV. After she was done, she instructed Kate to lay back.

"I promise that you'll feel better soon." The detective simply nodded, seeking out Castle's scent once again. It was the only thing that seemed to help at the moment.

"The doctor should be in soon, in the meantime this will hydrate you." Once the nurse was finished with her work, Castle simply moved to allow her body to rest comfortably against his; the arm limp beside her as the IV replenished her system. Again, she started to nod off, smiling with relief as she felt Castle's lips against her brow. She found it was difficult to remain awake, so Kate didn't fight it.

* * *

"Hyperemesis Gravidarum." The doctor spoke as she entered the room.

Kate was startled awake, and it would appear that they'd been waiting long enough for Caste to have fallen asleep as well. She looked to see the bag of IV fluids nearly half way gone. Somehow she'd shifted so that her body was lying on top of his, her arm spread gently across his chest and keeping the IV tubing clear.

"I'm sorry?" Kate cleared her throat and sat up. Castle supported her arms as she pushed herself up so that they could both turn to face the doctor.

"Sorry it took so long. I was delivering another patient. She went into labor a little earlier than expected." The doctor spoke with a hint of humor in her voice as she took a look at Kate's chart once again. Kate was in no state to find anything humorous.

The doctor simply repeated her earlier statement. "I said you're suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum." She looked back up to them, only to be met with a pair of blank stares.

"That's _fancy doctor_ speak for very severe morning sickness." She elaborated.

Kate didn't know whether to be relieved or embarrassed. Women got pregnant every day, and most of them managed their symptoms just fine. _Why do I have to be the one who can't hack it?_ She felt ashamed. It was the crux of why she'd been pushing Castle away, only she hadn't realized it before. _How can he trust me with our child if I can't handle it after just weeks?_ Kate felt horrible.

"I've seen morning sickness before." Castle began to challenge, "This goes above and beyond that." The doctor simply nodded in agreement.

"The majority of women experience morning sickness, but what you're experiencing is indeed far beyond that. Your system is in complete upheaval. It's common for women with this condition to experience severe nausea and vomiting, almost non-stop, not to mention migraines, dizziness and fatigue. It sounds to me like you're experiencing all of these, and the change in your weight since our last appointment would support the conclusion as well." She looked back up from Kate's chart.

"Add to that the most serious complication, the fact that you're here today after passing out from dehydration, and I'd say it's pretty clear-cut, Ms. Beckett." Kate nodded. It did seem pretty obvious in retrospect.

"Now, there are things we can try to help you manage the nausea, and like regular morning sickness, this does usually pass. I'm afraid you'll have to wait it out for the most part though." She offered as she continued to make notes on Kate's chart.

"Are you still taking the progesterone shots?" The doctor asked.

"Yeah." Kate responded, "My best friend is a doctor, she's been helping administer them." The doctor nodded.

"I'll make sure you've got another week's worth before you go home."

After the IV bag was gone, the doctor performed a brief exam to ensure that the baby was fine. She used a wand to explore Kate from the inside, as it was still far too soon to pick anything up with abdominal ultrasound. With blankets to protect her modesty in place, Castle didn't bother leaving the room. Kate didn't ask him to. She was far more comfortable having him there anyhow. As long as he remained at her side, he couldn't see the doctor working below anyhow. The exam took less than ten minutes and the doctor was satisfied that all was well.

"Things are looking good. I see one amniotic sac that seems to be developing healthily." She spoke to them. There wasn't much to see, but the doctor could identify what she needed to. She soon removed her gloves and sanitized wand she'd inserted into Kate.

"So, no twins." Kate spoke, somewhat relieved. While the idea of having two children was nice, she was overwhelmed with the idea of one. There was still so much unknown in her relationship with Castle. They didn't need twins.

"No twins." The doctor confirmed. She smiled at the couple once again, pleased to see how protective and supportive Castle was.

"Your biggest job is going to be ensuring that you are getting adequate fluids and nourishment." The doctor informed Kate. "Many women lose weight in the first trimester, most because of morning sickness, but you still need those calories."

"How can I do that if I'm throwing up every ten minutes?" Kate questioned. She could feel Castle's fingers traveling up and down the back of her neck. She was sure that he wasn't aware he was doing it. The sensation felt good.

"Well," the doctor began, "I would start with several small meals throughout the day as opposed to three big ones. It will be better tolerated generally speaking. Try eating foods with ginger, as it can help to settle the stomach. I'm sure by now you've determined that some smells seem to set you off?" The doctor questioned.

"Coffee and onions." Castle supplied, surprising Kate with his knowledge. They were both smells that she used to love, but now they made her feel incredibly ill.

"I would certainly avoid those things as much as possible until the worst of it has passed."

"How long until it does?" Kate pressed.

"For most women, morning sickness starts around week 6 and peaks around week 9, but with your condition we tend to see earlier onset and longer-lasting." Kate sighed with frustration. _That wasn't an answer. _She thought to herself.

"I don't think she knows the answer." Castle whispered into her ear. She looked to him with surprise. It was uncanny how he could get into her head like that. She should be used to it by now, but nevertheless, it threw her.

"He's right. Most women feel better around week 12, and we can hope for the best. Once you've got a battle plan to manage the symptoms, you'll find some relief." She reassured the detective.

"Given the severity of your symptoms, and our relatively limited medical methods to manage the symptoms, I'm going to recommend that you see a naturopath." Castle expected Kate to scoff at the prospect, but to his surprise she just nodded. _She really must be desperate,_ he reflected. He sighed in helpless frustration.

"There are several natural remedies she'll suggest that can help you manage. While we gave you a shot to help keep the nausea at bay, it isn't a great idea to rely on any of the mainstream drugs for too long."

She wrote several notes for the couple, "First, I'm going to suggest that you up your dose of vitamin B6. Antihistamines can also help, but will make you sleepy, so take them sparingly. Prescription anti-nausea drugs will knock you out; they're pretty heavy on your system. Plus, you cannot take them as a long-term solution. It's best to find alternative remedies." The doctor scrawled more onto her clipboard. She

"Unfortunately, there are no drugs that can offer a long-term fix; hence the naturopath." She handed Beckett the sheet of paper she'd been writing on.

_**Increase vitamin B6. **_

_**Use antihistamine sparingly, as needed.**_

_**Continue progesterone shots as instructed. **_

_**Dr. Maureen Lewis, Naturopathic Physician. **_

Kate took the sheet of paper and handed it to Castle. He folded and placed it into his wallet, stepping from the room as Beckett dressed herself. She was still unsteady on her feet, but with IV fluids and whatever else they'd given her, she felt stronger. She grabbed the remainder of her things and joined Castle in the hallway, preparing for her release from the hospital.

As they approached his vehicle Kate remembered that she didn't have her car. She simply moved to the passenger seat and fastened her seatbelt.

"You can drop me off at the precinct, my car is there." She stated as she placed the B6 supplements into her purse.

"Ha. Yeah, that's not going to happen." Castle responded as he turned into traffic and headed towards the loft.

"Excuse me?" Kate asked incredulously.

"You passed out, Kate. You passed out! I'm not letting you go home alone until you're a little bit more steady."

"Castle, I don't think that you…"

"I don't think that you remember you're carrying my child too, Kate." He cut her off. While stopped at a red light he turned to face her.

"You're both too important to me." Her face softened at is words.

"Castle, we'll be fine." She reached out to touch his arm.

"I know you will be, because I'll be with you." The light turned green and he began to drive again,

"Now, the question is simple, Kate: Your place or mine?"

His tone was kind, but Kate had no doubt that he left little room for negotiation.

* * *

**Thanks for reading and please leave a review. We haven't reached the halfway point yet, so do not despair yet. There will be plenty of development between these two, including the baby! Note that this story will likely upgrade to M in the future. However, any adult scenes will be clearly marked to be avoided by those who do wish to not read them. **


	12. If It Kills Me

Disclaimer: They're not mine.

* * *

"_**If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.**_

_**I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man.**_

_**But I never said a word. I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again."**_

_**-Jason Mraz (If It Kills me)**_

* * *

"You know, we can stay here if you're more comfortable in your own bed." Castle spoke to her as she moved about her apartment, grabbing various items to pack. He wanted to accommodate her, but it was clear that he wasn't going to budge on insisting they stay together. Kate had to admit that she was glad for it.

"No." She spoke firmly, she tossed a hoodie on top of her duffel and zipped it as she turned to look at her partner, "It doesn't make any sense for you to be here, on a couch." Castle could tell that she was mildly irritated, but he was satisfied nevertheless. Afterall, she'd stopped challenging him on it.

"Besides," Kate added, "Alexis and Martha are at the loft, you should be with your family." She moved to the kitchen to grab her prenatal vitamins. With her back facing him, Kate heard him, his tentative voice just above whisper.

"You are my family too." Kate laid her hand on the counter, giving her a bit more balance. The force of his words seemed to take her breath away. She swayed slightly.

His words captivated her, bringing everything she felt, all she never told him, to the forefront. After a moment' pause, Kate turned to face him, allowing him to finally see what she'd hidden for so long.

She was vulnerable, unsure and _something else._ Castle couldn't put his finger on it, but there was tenderness there. It reminded him of the moments following his rescue as a hostage from the bank. The same meaningful gaze poured from her. He moved toward her slowly, truly taking her in.

"Beckett." He whispered. Her head turned down suddenly and remained there.

"Kate." He tried again, reaching out to touch her as he finally approached. When she looked back up to him her expression had changed completely. Instead of soft tenderness she looked _pained._

"Castle." She spoke, her hand on the counter now holding her up. It would appear that it wasn't Castle's words, but the hospital medications wearing off, that took her breath away. She felt dizzy, nauseated again.

He could see it all over her face, only this time what he saw was panic from a woman on the verge of sickness. He pulled the trashcan in her kitchen just as she began to heave. Yet, there was nothing to come up. The IV had hydrated her, but her stomach was still empty.

"Ok," He whispered to her as he pulled her body flush with his, "slow, deep breaths, it will pass." She rested her head against his shoulder, her fingers clung desperately to his shirt as she tried to steady herself. It felt like vertigo. Kate focused on her breathing and once again, several moments of inhaling his scent calmed her. _What is it about him?_ She wondered to herself as her system calmed slightly. Soon her attention shifted from her discomfort to Castle. To his nearness and her desire to keep it. She resisted the temptation to lean in just a little bit further and place her lips against his neck, _to taste him._

Kate took a step back once she felt a bit more steady, needing space. She nodded to him, "I think I'm ok now."

Castle grasped her elbow with one hand and grabbed her duffel with the other, "How about we go home." He suggested. Kate didn't bother to challenge or correct the statement. Besides, she liked the sound of the words _We_ and _Home _in the same sentence_._

* * *

Kate slept in the passenger's seat as Castle ventured into the local pharmacy on their way back to the loft. He leaned in to whisper, "be right back."

She simply hummed. He didn't see her smile after his kissed her cheek softly. For a few moments she contemplated how he made her feel. The butterflies were normal, she'd been feeling them for awhile. However, now there was more. Now he filled her with comforting warmth. These feelings came despite the fact that she was self-assured and strong, the she was a detective. _Hell, I'm the one who carries the gun. I protect him, _she reflected.

Still, Kate couldn't deny that his presence was reassuring to her. She contemplated on all the ways her made her feel complete as she rested in the car, rapidly drifting off to sleep.

Castle entered the store, a 24 hour pharmacy, grabbing a basket as he made his way up and down the aisles. In addition to picking up the approved antihistamines, a few bottles of vitamin B6, Gingerale and saltines, he also grabbed several varieties of nutritional supplement drinks. He remembered that Meredith primarily relied on foods that were uncooked while she had morning sickness, so he also grabbed a variety of cereal bars. On the back wall of the store was an entire cold foods section. _They really do sell everything in these places_, Castle thought to himself as he grabbed some fresh produce. Finally, he tossed cereal and chicken stock into the cart before checking out.

He returned to find Kate still asleep in the car. After placing the grocery bags in the back seat he headed back out into traffic. The writer was impressed by how solidly she was sleeping. Under normal circumstances, even when sick or injured, Kate would never have slept through so much noise and bustle. His Beckett was nothing, if not vigilant. Yet there she was, oblivious to the world around her. However, soon he had no choice but to wake her.

"Kate." He whispered to her. She felt him brush a strand of her hair behind her ear, relishing in the tender graze of his fingers against her face. She opened her eyes and nodded, communicating that she was awake and ready to go inside. She moved to grab for her duffel bag, but Castle stopped her.

"I'll get that, you carry one of the bags?" He offered. While Castle wanted to take care of her, he knew that if he threatened her sense of independence she might just push back. Requesting she carry some of the groceries was his way of appeasing her need to be self-sufficient. Kate simply nodded; she pulled a bag filled with lemons, berries and grapes, and was relieved to know that nothing made her nauseous. Then again, there wasn't really a strong smell coming from the bag.

They entered the loft and walked to the kitchen, placing the groceries on the counter. Kate smiled as she removed the food from each bag. It was clear that he'd gone shopping specifically with the intent of finding things that she could tolerate. She appreciated his thoughtfulness. He handed her the vitamins and medications, along with a box of saltines.

"You might want to keep these in your bedroom, so you can snack when you're feeling up to it." He added. Kate smiled, grabbing the plastic bag filled with various pill bottles and assorted foods. She also grabbed her duffle bag.

"I think I'm going to lay down for a little while." She informed him. It was clear that she was still in a sleep-daze, most likely a combination of feeling poorly and the long day she'd had.

"Thank you so much, Castle. For everything." Kate smiled and reached out to cup his cheek. It was another thing that Castle wasn't sure she would have done under normal circumstances, but he didn't challenge it.

He smiled as he watched her warily stumble towards the bedroom, pushing the door open and making her way to the bed. Castle followed to see that within moments she was asleep. He shook his head and chuckled softly to himself with surprise. While he anticipated an incredibly awkward conversation when she awakened, he couldn't help but laugh to himself as he watched her crawl into his bed instead of hers in the spare bedroom.

* * *

Something soft brushed across Kate's face. She couldn't put her finger on it, but was too tired to open her eyes. She felt paralyzed for a moment, the grogginess leaving her in a state of waking sleep. Her limbs felt like concrete, but there were no feelings of fear. She moaned softly.

"Wake up." His voice whispered to her. Soft, warm fingertips grazed her forehead, brushing her hair back. That smell that had become a God send enveloped her. _I need to get my hands on his soap, or cologne, or whatever it is he wears that calms my stomach. _The thought drifted across her sleep addled mind just before she opened her eyes.

"I have some food for you." He motioned to the tray he'd set beside the bed. She sat up slightly, propping herself up against the pillow. Kate really just wanted to go back to sleep, she could tell that it was now dark out and her body seemingly demanded that she rest. Still, she knew that she needed food. Her body was no longer just hers, there was a baby to look out for.

Kate looked at the tray. It was filled with several small dishes. Each dish had an assortment of foods for her to sample and try. She then looked around her. _How did I get in his bed?_ She wondered to herself. As if she'd spoken out loud, Castle answered her.

"It was easier than climbing the stairs. You were pretty out of it." She nodded, still confused. _Did he put me here or did I? _Regardless, she was comfortable and wasn't in any hurry to leave. For the first time that day, her head wasn't pounding.

"I thought we could test some foods out, see what you can tolerate and go from there." He explained himself. Kate simply smiled at him. She was nervous that the food would make her sick, so her impulse was to push it away. Still, she resisted the urge. _I owe it to him and to our baby to try_, she told herself as he moved the tray to her lap. She warmed at the thought of their baby, comforted by the knowledge that he or she seemed healthy. Kate vowed to do whatever was necessary to ensure things stayed that way.

"So, I've got berries, crackers, cheeses and grapefruit." Castle surveyed the various plates. He also pushed forward a glass of gingerale with a straw.

Kate sampled. She was surprised to find that, despite the fact that she'd barely tolerated grapefruit in the past, it tasted delicious. She devoured the fruit and the crackers, but barely touched the cheese. In fact, when she picked up a cube and caught the smell she turned away quickly. Castle caught sight of her movements and removed the plate immediately. _No cheese then_. He thought to himself.

"We've got a place to start." He gave her shoulder a squeeze of encouragement. "and we'll focus on creative ways to get you protein." She smiled brightly at him, taking his hand into her own and lacing their fingers together for a moment. She offered a squeeze of thanks as she picked at the food on the tray.

Just the mere contact of their intertwined fingers caused both of their hearts to race, butterflies to settle in their stomachs. Some of the color returned to Kate's face as he slowly caressed her hand with his thumb. She smiled softly and looked back down to the food, prompting Castle to let go of her hand and allow her to eat.

While Kate ate, Castle pulled a book from the bedside table nearest to him. He opened to the page he'd most recently earmarked and began to read to her.

_**During week six your baby's head is forming. His cheeks and jaw are taking shape. With the beginning ears and a nose, soon your baby will have an adorable face. **_

"Well, at least we hope it does." Castle stopped, adding his own commentary to the impromptu reading session. "I've seen some ugly babies in my day." She gave him a dirty look and with a mouth full of food, she nudged him with her free hand. He tried, and failed to hide his mischievous grin as he began to read again.

_**If you could gaze into your uterus, you would see an oversized head with black spots, where the eyes will grow.**_

He looked up to her, pulling himself slightly back and out of her reach before speaking. "Don't lie, Beckett. That's creepy." She smiled, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and nodded at him. As she took a sip of gingerale she listened.

_**Little arms and legs are starting to form and soon a stomach will develop. **_

Kate smiled and touched her own stomach. She couldn't imagine how something so small, something that had yet to grow large enough to change the shape of her body, could already be so developed. The thought made her smile.

_**Also taking shape this week are the liver, lungs and kidneys. Your baby's little heart is now beating and will only get faster in the weeks to come. **_

Kate smiled, looking down at the grapes on the tray and picking one up. Although it was too soon for them to hear the heartbeat, she knew that in just over two weeks they would. She allowed herself to get lost in Castle's words as he read from his book. She leaned in to see the title, nearly spitting out her gingerale as she read the title **"What's Going on in Your Uterus."** She couldn't control her laughter.

"What?" He stopped reading, placing the open book on his lap. She only started to laugh harder.

"Of all the pregnancy books, Castle… you pick one with _that_ title?"

"What's wrong with my cleaver, yet informative book?" He shot back teasingly.

"Well, first would be the fact that you don't have a uterus." She stated with a wide smile on her face.

"Well, there's no need to be mean about it." He slammed the book shut in mock-indignation. She laughed again as he set the book on the table. He turned to face her again, enjoying the smile she wore.

"Is there anything else you need?" He asked softly, his tone tender and concerned.

"Yeah, the bathroom." She spoke. He lifted the tray and she pushed the blankets back. There was a look of alarm on his face, but she quickly put him at ease. _Sweet, sweet man. _

"I just have to pee, Castle." He smiled and nodded.

As Kate stepped out of bed, he noticed that she hadn't even bothered to change out of her clothes before she'd fallen asleep. He'd never seen her so perpetually exhausted. It was hard to determine how much was from the sickness versus being pregnant in general.

She moved to his bathroom quickly, relieving herself. In addition to the ever-present nausea and exhaustion, Kate found that she had to use the bathroom a lot more than usual. I _thought that I wouldn't have bladder issues until later in the pregnancy_, she thought to herself as she leaned forward in attempt to completely empty her bladder. The goal was to go back to bed and sleep through the night.

She washed her hands in his sink, looking at herself in the mirror for the first time. She wasn't sure what startled her more, the pale and sunken look to her eyes or the life-sized Boba Fett statue that stood behind her. She chuckled softly as she dried her hands. It was then that she noticed something.

She moved to pick up the soap container in his shower and inhaled. It was definitely the smell she recognized, and it smelled good. Yet, it did nothing for her stomach. _ Perhaps it's his cologne? _She wondered as she moved to pick up one of the two bottles on the expansive bathroom counter. Again, it smelled nice, but didn't do anything. The aftershave had the same effect. Kate wondered if the soothing effects of those scents had worn off. Afterall, moving around with food in her stomach was definitely starting to make her feel queasy again. A soft knock sounded and Kate turned to open the door. Castle stood there with her duffel bag.

"I thought you might want to change into something more comfortable for sleep." She was touched by his gesture, by how amazingly supportive he'd been all day. She nodded her thanks and took the bag, closing the door once again as she changed. At nearly six weeks, she still couldn't see many physical signs of pregnancy. She felt it, but didn't really see it.

She turned out the bathroom light and stepped back into the bedroom. Her intention was to make her way to the spare room that had been designated for her. However, when Kate exited the bathroom she saw that Castle had turned down his bed sheets. There was also a fresh bottle of water and can of gingerale. A pack of saltines sat next to the bedside lamp.

"Castle, no. I'm sorry I was so out of it this afternoon, but I'm not going to hijack your bedroom." She insisted.

"Kate, my bed is more comfortable. You're close to the kitchen if you get hungry." He stared at her meaningfully, "and most importantly, my bedroom has a bathroom. No worries about making it down the hall in time if you do get sick."

He was right; there was no arguing with the value of having a bathroom close by. If she'd stayed at her own apartment she would have her own bathroom just feet away. Kate nodded,

"You shouldn't have to give up your bed. I'd rather you stay." It was her best attempt at asking for what she wanted. She wanted to have him beside her. It would seem that he was the only thing keeping her system in check, and although Kate couldn't explain it, she wasn't going to question something that made her feel better.

At first he simply looked at her, unsure if he'd heard her correctly. It prompted her to speak as she set her duffel bag on the floor and climbed into her side of the bed.

"This isn't the first time we've done this." She reminded him. It was true, he'd held her through the night when they'd been convinced the transfer of embryos had failed. It wasn't awkward at all. In fact, it felt natural. Castle nodded in agreement. He made his way to the bathroom to change before joining her in the bed.

He was tentative as he slid under the covers, trying to be as quiet as possible to avoid disturbing her. However, Castle soon found that it didn't make a difference. In the minutes it had taken him to change clothes she'd fallen fast asleep.

In those silent moments Castle let his guard down. He inhaled deeply, relishing in the scent of her. She seemed so natural, so content in his space and the writer ached with desire. However, this wasn't a sexual urge. It was the yearning of a man in love, and a man who had given up all hope of ever being this close to her.

Some time later, he was startled from his musings by Kate shifting in her sleep. She turned herself to face him and threw an arm across his chest. It seemed she thought him a good human pillow. As he took her in his arms and she nestled against his neck Castle knew it was hopeless.

He would never stop loving her, and would do everything in his power to somehow make her see that he was right there, waiting for her. Only this time pushing him away wouldn't be an option for her.

* * *

"_**All I really want to do is love you. A kind much closer than friends use.**_

_**But I still can't say it after all we've been through.**_

_**And all I really want from you is to feel me, as the feeling inside keeps building.  
And I will find a way to you if it kills me.**_

_**If it kills me. I think it might kill me."**_

* * *

AN: This song, "If it Kills Me", is one of those songs that reminds me of Castle. It was choreographed and the movements look so much like season 4 it is alarming. I love it. I've posted a link on twitter, or you can look up "SYTYCD If it kills me" on youtube. It IS Castle and Beckett's relationship.


	13. Bubbly

"_**The rain is falling on my window pane.**_

_**But we are hiding in a safer place.**_

_**Under covers staying dry and warm.**_

_**You give me feelings that I adore."**_

_**-Colbie Caillat (Bubbly)**_

* * *

He was warm. He was a little too warm and it awakened him. Castle wasn't sure why he felt so overheated, but he could feel a solid weight on top of him. He didn't reach full consciousness until the weight shifted. He opened his eyes to find an arm stretched out across his chest, golden brown hair sprawled around her. The writer considered his current situation. There was no way to move without waking her. He wasn't sure he wanted to move anyhow.

He turned his body slightly to glance at the clock. He noted how she moved against him, maintaining close proximity to him before settling back into sleep with a contented sigh. It was 6:45 am, fifteen minutes before the alarm would sound to wake them. He brushed her hair to one side, grazing his fingers rhythmically across the back of her neck. The gesture earned him a contented sigh, and he could tell from her breathing and movements that she was gradually waking.

With ten minutes left on the clock her heard her start to moan, gradually coming out of whatever dream she was having. Another deep breath before Castle felt her grasp his t-shirt. Moments later she let out a sigh and spoke.

"What time is it?" Her voice was still sleep-laden.

"Almost time to get up," he responded. His fingers continued their rhythmic caress against her neck. For a moment he'd forgotten he was doing it. Regardless, Kate didn't seem to mind.

"You slept through the night." He commented. He was quite happy to know she'd rested peacefully.

"mmmmhmmmm." Came her muffled answer.

In the next moment she pushed away from him, throwing her legs over the side of the bed. The sudden action startled Castle and he sat up, a questioning expression on his face.

Before she could think twice about the action, Kate leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. It was more of an act of reassurance to him, but she had to remind herself that they didn't have that type of relationship. _We're not there yet_, the thought crossed her mind. She gave him a smile.

"I did sleep through the night, and now I really have to pee!" He laughed as she made a dash for his bathroom.

"Better that you need to go to the bathroom than you getting sick." He called as the door shut.

She showered quickly and got dressed, feeling hunger set in. These days feeling hunger gave her anxiety, as eating was usually followed by illness. However, she couldn't avoid it, especially considering they had an appointment with the naturopath in less than two hours. When Kate joined him in the kitchen she found a bowl on the counter, it was filled with a granola and berry mix. There was also fresh fruit in a dish next to the cereal.

She smiled with gratitude, picking at her breakfast. It relieved her that there weren't any strong smells to set her stomach off. He set a glass of grapefruit juice down in front of her. It wasn't something she was accustomed to, but considering how voraciously she'd consumed the fruit the night before was a pretty good indicator that she would tolerate it.

"This is really great cereal, Castle." She complimented as she scooped handfuls of the dry substance into her mouth. She smiled when he held up the box, as if giving his own advertisement.

"One serving has as much protein as an egg." He pointed to where that statement was written as he spoke it. He set the box down and made his way to the bedroom to change. Kate couldn't hide her smile as her gaze followed him out of the room.

* * *

Doctor Maureen Lewis' office was like no other medical facility Kate had ever seen. Instead of institutional white norm, there were multiple colors and fabrics adorning the walls. She also noticed an interesting scent in the room. It wasn't altogether unpleasant, and these days any smells that didn't make her sick were to be complimented. She looked around to find a steady but thin plume of smoke, thin and beautiful in the wisps churning upwards from the source.

"It's sage." A voice behind her called. They both startled as they turned to face the doctor.

For his part, Castle liked the room. Across from the desk and pair of chairs was an assortment of pillows on the floor. The pillows varied in color and in pattern. It looked like a meditation space of some sort. The entire room had a calming effect.

"I'm Doctor Lewis." A middle-aged woman stepped forward, shaking Kate's hand before moving to greet Castle. She had long, dark hair that was worn in a single braid down her back. Instead of scrubs or a lab coat, she wore a loose shirt and floor-length skirt. There were large bracelets and necklaces adorning her thin body. To say she was eccentric would be an understatement.

Nevertheless, her presence was calming.

"Now, I understand that you've been struggling with some pretty severe morning sickness, is that right?" The doctor placed her glasses on as she listened and took notes from the couple.

Kate explained her experience in the past four weeks of pregnancy, along with the fact that the baby was a result of IVF. She did not, however, disclose that the embryos had been created by a mad scientist. Some things were better left unsaid.

Doctor nodded from time to time, taking copious notes as Kate filled her in. Castle added details from time to time, helping to fill in gaps based on what he knew.

"Ok." The doctor began, "Let me tell you a little about what I do." She set her pen down and removed her glasses, placing them on the top of her head.

"While I am a physician, my goal is to pursue a more holistic, person-centered approach to bringing some ease to your symptoms." She began.

"Now, under usual circumstances, the naturopath would attempt to alleviate the source of one's symptoms, but considering yours is pregnancy, we can't very well remove it." She seemed to chuckle a bit about her own joke. When neither Castle nor Beckett laughed, she cleared her throat and continued.

"Often times, with morning sickness this severe, the goal here is to try to restore balance as best as possible." She spoke.

"Balance?" Kate questioned. The flighty nature of the doctor was making it difficult to take her seriously.

"Yes, we tend to see that for those things that set off the nausea and vomiting, there are also those that counter it." The naturopath spoke. "The key here is to identify those things." Kate nodded. What Dr. Lewis said made sense.

"We tend to find that food that does not need to be cooked is tolerated better, for example. Keeping rooms cool rather than warm, getting lots of fresh air, and easing up on your stress can all help." The doctor clasped her hands to gaze from Castle to Beckett,

"Now, have you found any smells that seem to alleviate your symptoms when they get particularly bad?" The doctor pressed, ready with a list of potential remedies.

"Um." Kate was clearly flustered as she looked at Castle, she hesitated. Castle could swear she was blushing. He was very confused as he watched her struggle. In support, he rested his hand on her shoulder.

"Is there something that does help?" The doctor pressed again.

"Him." She gestured to her partner. While it was clear she was talking about Castle, in that moment she seemed unable to meet his gaze. He was stunned, and slightly confused. With strange swell of pride, a wide smile spread across his face.

Doctor Lewis was not deterred by her patient's discomfort, and didn't seem the least bit fazed.

"How does he help with the nausea?" She wasn't terribly surprised by this fact. The doctor often saw that in pregnancy, closeness to the biological father could aid in symptom relief. Kate crossed her arms and began to chew on her nail, if she could have made herself any smaller she would have.

"I don't know what it is. Maybe his soap, or his aftershave. I haven't figured it out yet, but it settles my stomach." She admitted. Castle stared on in surprise. He was even more shocked by what came next.

"I tried to smell each last night, to isolate the scent," she expressed to the doctor, "but neither seemed to be effective."

"The scents only work when he wears them." Doctor Lewis concluded. Kate nodded, unable to look at Castle. She could only imagine the cocky smirk she would find if she did. Afterall, she'd just admitted that she'd been smelling him and it was enjoyable. _Well, at the very least it was helping me_, she reasoned. Kate didn't look at him, but felt his hand touch hers.

He laced their fingers, communicating his support to her. When she finally did face him, she saw no trace of ego there, just genuine concern and compassion on his face. Above all else, Castle was glad to know that _something_ helped.

"You know," doctor Lewis launched into a long explanation, "there are many theories as to why women experience morning sickness. The prominent in the traditional medical community is that our bodies react strongly to being overloaded with the hormones produced during pregnancy." She stood and gestured for Castle and Beckett to follow her from her desk to the lounge area. The partners sat on the couch together, setting aside an assortment of pillows as Doctor Lewis sat in a chair across from them.

"Another, less main stream theory is that morning sickness is due to a reaction in the body's immune system. If you think about it, the baby you carry is only half you." She gestured to Kate, "and the other half, his genetic material, is a foreign invader."

Kate was skeptic and couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes. The way Doctor Lewis described it conjured images of an alien, preparing to burst out of her stomach in some horror-like fashion. The naturopath picked up on Kate's hesitation.

"There are studies to support this." She stated, "For instance, we know that women who have more sex with the biological father of their child during the first trimester have lower rates of preclampsia later in pregnancy compared to women who have less sex." Again, Kate felt herself blushing. She didn't think this appointment could get any more awkward if she'd tried.

"Now, I'm not telling you that sex is the answer to your problem, although if you're feeling up to it, sex certainly can't hurt." Doctor Lewis explained, "What I am telling you is that frequent contact with his body can help your body grow more accustomed to carrying a part of him inside of you."

The doctor smiled as she took in the young couple, "Now, other forms of contact that may help include direct skin to skin contact. Often times couples will bathe together- although use care with water temperature to be safe during pregnancy. Kissing, for obvious reasons; really, things that can expose you to his body fluids, as well as the flora and bacteria on his body."

_She cannot be serious_, Kate thought to herself. _This is why I avoid these hacks. _Thoughts of her disdain for the doctor were the only thing keeping the flashes of her body pressed against his from her mind. Despite her best intentions, Doctor Lewis' words only added fuel to Kate's skepticism. The doctor seemed oblivious as she threw out suggestions on how intimacy could help with Kate's morning sickness. Castle simply looked on, unsure of how to respond to the doctor. He seemed to start several times, but no words came forth. Finally, Kate interjected.

"Look," she wavered. Aside from the fact that what the doctor was saying sounded preposterous, the detective needed to clarify the nature of their relationship.

"Castle and I are friends. We're very close friends, who are having a baby together." She explained.

"We're not a couple." Castle added, a hint of regret in his tone.

"Oh." Doctor Lewis concluded, "well I can see how these suggestions of intimacy would be slightly complicated then." She laughed to herself. In that moment, her eccentricity reminded Kate of Martha.

"Well then, there are several other suggestions that I can offer." She paused for a moment, feeling the need to defend herself, "The thing is, my experience has been that when someone's symptoms are alleviated by direct contact with their partner, such as when you smell him, they are usually likely to benefit from further contact." When neither Castle nor Beckett responded, Dr. Lewis changed her approach, offering alternative avenues.

"Often times, clean smells, citrus smells, wide open spaces and fresh air, can help with nausea." She started to launch into the more traditional list of natural remedies.

"Scents including lavender, juniper, peppermint and cedar are often helpful. I'll make sure you've got some herbs and essential oils to take with you before you leave." She then added, "keep a satchel with you, perhaps one in your purse and another at your bedside. Inhale it when you feel nausea setting in. Finally, I can't emphasize the importance of ginger enough. It settles the stomach, so I encourage you to experiment with different foods and drinks containing ginger." She listed out several options for Kate.

Just when she thought their meeting was over, Kate saw Doctor Porter shift her demeanor and begin to speak again.

"If you are friends, and are comfortable with contact, I have some really useful massage techniques that use acupressure and have been proven in alternative medicine to be very helpful in managing nausea." The partners agreed, allowing the doctor to take them through some simple techniques.

"Now, this isn't the traditional shoulder massage that you may think of." She motioned for Kate to lay back into Castle's lap. It was awkward, but the doctor only rolled up Kate's sleeve, getting to work right away.

"You'll want to start at the elbow and make your way down, applying pressure along the bone and coming to rest on the inner wrist bone." She showed Castle how to place pressure correctly, focusing on the inner elbow and wrist. She then asked Kate to raise her shirt slightly.

"This can help, but is slightly more intimate," she warned. Castle nodded when Kate didn't object, allowing Dr. Lewis to place his hands flat on Kate's lower stomach.

"Now, you start at her diaphragm, which is here." She positioned his hands, fingers pointing down, just beneath her ribcage. "Without too much pressure, rub downwards." She placed her hands on top of Castles, guiding them down, "stop when your fingers feel her pelvic bone."

Castle could feel Kate tense as he fingers brushed against her so intimately. Her heart sped up and she could feel tingles following the trail his fingers made down her stomach. She involuntarily closed her eyes as the sensation overtook her. His touch combined with his smell set her blood on fire. She was dizzy with the pull of her body to his own.

However, Castle stopped his motions before things became inappropriate and Kate was reminded that they were in the doctor's office. The naturopath continued her instructions, denying them the chance to feel truly awkward as she shifted to show an inner-leg massage, focusing on pressure points behind the knee and near the ankle. Finally, she directed his fingers to her neck, teaching him to apply pressure that immediately put her body at ease. Whatever it was that she'd taught him, it was helping to relax her body. Kate felt she was somehow breathing more easily. She also recognized that if Castle was to help her through this, she would have to accept feeling vulnerable; _I've just got to let him in_.

"Like pain, nausea is something that you want to control as much as possible. Cut it off before it takes over. The best suggestion I can give for this is to step away from things that are sources of stress for you. Take a couple of weeks if you can and get out of the city. Find someplace that makes you feel safe and comfortable and go." She leaned in and took Kate's hand in her own,

"You've got to take care of yourself, and that means taking some time to restore balance to your body as much as possible."

* * *

They left the appointment with more information than Kate knew what to do with.

"One day at a time." Castle spoke as they drove back to the loft. He could tell she was overwhelmed and out of her element. There was silence for a while.

"I've got sick leave." Kate stated suddenly. "Maybe I should take some."

"I think that's a good idea." Castle added. "Gates would understand."

"I think she knows that I've been compromised." Kate stated, watching as Castle nodded in agreement with her thought. She did need a break. Besides, Kate wouldn't need to rely on her sick leave when she had the baby, she had federal leave.

"Where would you go? Would you actually leave the city?" He asked before offering a suggestion, "I could take you to the Hamptons." He thought back to that summer when he'd invited her to join him. So much had changed between them in the time that followed. They'd grown closer, been ripped apart and now- Castle wasn't really sure what they were now. Close friends? Partners with a baby on the way? Of one thing he was sure, things became more confusing than ever.

"My dad's cabin." Kate stated, "There isn't any place that feels safer. It's where we used to vacation in the summers before my mom passed. I feel her there more than any other place." Castle understood, and although he was disappointed that she didn't take him up on his offer, he was glad that she had a safe place. Kate broke the silence that followed with a question that shocked her partner.

"Will you come with me?" She was hesitant, and Castle could hear the tension in her voice. As if he would have told her no.

"I'd love to come along." He offered, glad that she was serious about letting him in to help her through this pregnancy. It boded well for their relationship in general, but that was a conversation for another day. _That day is coming soon, it has to._ He reflected as they drove back to his loft.

"The key." She stated suddenly. There was alarm in her tone.

"Key?" Castle was completely lost.

"Yeah. My dad has the key to the cabin. We'll need to get it from him before we go." Castle took a deep breath, swallowing nervously as he considered the task at hand.

Beckett was equally silent as she contemplated the meaning of her words.

Tomorrow they would have a very uncomfortable conversation with her dad.

* * *

**AN: The study about lower rates of preeclampsia and sex in the first trimester is real, was published in 2000. The theory of immune system response correlating to morning sickness is also real- but is not adequately tested. Newspapers have indicated otherwise. If you read any of the articles (New York Times, Huffington Post, etc), about oral sex/semen exposure reducing morning sickness, it was completely unsubstantiated. There was never a study, just the untested theory of a professor. Still, makes for a good plot point to bring our characters closer together. ;)**


	14. Near You Always

"_**I Want to be near you. Always."**_

_**-Jewel (Near You Always)**_

They left the loft early the next morning, both silent as they played out their own scenarios of how breakfast was going to go. When Kate made the arrangements she only informed her father that she had plans to go to the cabin, and that there was something that she needed to tell him. No discussion of Castle had come up. As a result, the writer now sat in the passenger seat, anxious with the knowledge that Jim Beckett didn't even know he would be there.

_Jim likes me_, Castle reasoned with himself. _Doesn't he? _He began to second-guess himself. Afterall, he'd only ever interacted with the man under stressful or life-threatening circumstances. Still, Beckett's father had sought him out originally, told him that he'd heard great things. _Surely that bodes well for me, _the writer reasoned as they made their way through traffic towards the diner_._

Kate was lost in similar thoughts of trepidation. How would she break such news to her dad? What about Castle's involvement? She reasoned through potential scenarios.

_A mad scientist stole my ova and fertilized my eggs for some mysterious purpose that I don't completely understand and now I'm pregnant. Also, Castle is the father. _Kate shook her head, dismissing the direct approach.

_Hey dad! Guess what, Castle and I are going to have a baby. We've never had sex. Surprise! _She nearly laughed at the thought, striking it from her mind.

Kate knew that her father was unaware of her infertility. He also didn't know about the intimate details of her and Castle's relationship. The man had no reason to believe that they were together, but he also knew that Kate was single. Kate reasoned that it wouldn't be beyond the realm of possibility if she were to allow her dad to think they were a couple. _Yeah Kate, more lies is exactly what you need in your life right now. _

"Castle, I'm not sure how to do this." She admitted. He could easily hear the distress in her voice, but could offer little to appease her. Afterall, how does one explain all of this.

"Does he know about your infertility?" Castle questioned in attempt to get a true picture of her dilemma.

"No." She answered. He wasn't surprised. If nothing else it provided some solace to know that he wasn't the only one that Kate shut out when things got tough. Then again, the part of him that truly loved her wanted to know there was someone that she would tell her secrets to. He only guessed that Lanie was that person.

"At least he knows I'm not dating anyone." She stated.

Castle stared ahead in confusion. He couldn't quite identify how her statement made him feel. On one hand, it was good that there were no other men important enough in her life to meet her dad since Josh. At the same time, it seemed clear to him that Kate had no intention of communicating even the possibility that she might be with him. _She's not with me_, Castle sardonically reflected. He wasn't sure what he expected.

"I don't even know where to start." Kate sighed heavily.

"We can go into as much detail as you feel comfortable with." Castle offered. "If you want to just tell him that we're having a baby together and leave it at that, it's ok with me."

Kate smiled, "You'd be ok if people believed that we were…" She hesitated.

"Together?" He completed her sentence. Kate was silent.

"Most people will assume that you got pregnant the old-fashioned way, Kate. When I agreed to do this with you I knew that. I don't expect you to explain the odd and incredibly private nature of how this child came to be." Castle assured her.

"What about your public image?" Kate offered. They parked the car and made their way into the diner. Once it was clear that they'd arrived before Jim, the partners took a seat towards the back.

She thought on Castle's words, his offer to be in this completely, reputation be damned. Kate knew that Castle was committed to having this child because it was his. However, he was also a man in the public spotlight and when people started to take notice, they would assume. They would assume things about him, and it would alter his playboy image. _Has he really been that playboy though?_ She reflected. Castle really wasn't that person, aside from the recent turn of events with his flight attendant. Her mood soured.

"What about Jacinda?" The name felt like acid on Kate's tongue, but she had to ask. Afterall, having a baby did not change the fact that Kate had no romantic claim to the writer. The thought of the blonde being involved in his life, in their lives, made her nauseous.

"I'm in this with you, Kate. Not Jacinda…or anyone else for that matter." Castle reassured her. Kate sighed, grateful for his dedication yet concerned for his own image.

This news would fuel rumors that they were a couple, that the writer had finally bedded his muse. Would it leave room for other women? _Do I want to leave room for other women?_ Kate smiled at the thought. She felt odd that the notion of being publicly linked to him thrilled her, even if the details were wrong. Even if they really weren't lovers, it didn't hurt to hope.

"Tell your dad whatever you're comfortable with, Kate. I've got your back no matter what." His words warmed her.

"So," Kate smiled, "I'll just tell him that you got me liquored up and now I'm pregnant." She eyed him seriously before sighing, "So much for an honorable woman." The shocked and somewhat nervous expression on his face nearly undid her. It was made all the better by the fact that in the same moment her father walked in. Soon Kate's own humor was forgotten, as reality once again caught up with her.

"Katie." Jim Beckett smiled as he wrapped his only daughter in his arms. He smiled with surprise in the next moment when Castle rose to greet the man.

"Hello Rick." The men shook hands. "How nice to see you. How have things been?"

They hadn't seen one another since the day Kate was shot, and Jim was pleased to see the writer in a less stressful scenario. He noted by the looks on their faces that this meeting was not completely stress free for them. The more he watched his daughter, the more his own concern grew. _What is this about?_ He wondered as a waitress took their orders.

Kate stirred her coffee, unable to maintain eye contact with her dad for any period of time. She was aware that he was already suspicious of her. Afterall, few people knew Kate as well as her father did.

"Katie. What's going on?" He was calm, hoping that she was there with personal news, with happy news. He wanted her to tell him about her personal life and more so, that she'd finally allowed Castle to be a part of it. The partners reminded him so much of himself and Johanna that it took his breath away from time to time.

Above all else, Jim Beckett hoped that his daughter had not brought him to breakfast this morning to talk about her mother's case. He wanted nothing more than to know that she was living her life instead of chasing her mom's death. Judging from the look on her face, the older man ventured a guess that this was much bigger than any case.

Kate took a deep breath, smiling at the feel of Castle's supportive squeeze to her thigh. _You've got this._ He seemed to tell her wordlessly. She smiled then, incredibly grateful that Castle was by her side. _Truth conquers all_, her mother's words seemed to echo through her mind. It provided her with direction as she began to speak.

"Dad, I've got something to tell you."

Jim set his coffee mug down and placed his hands on the table. He looked from his daughter to her partner and noticed that both were incredibly tense. Whatever this was, it was big.

"Talk to me, Katie." He instructed.

"Dad, do you remember that strange case I told you about a year ago- the one where Castle was convinced UFOs and aliens were involved?" She began.

"Yeah." Her father smiled, "I remember it leading to a long conversation about The X-Files." He laughed, hoping that he could somehow put his daughter at ease.

"Yeah." Kate remembered somewhat sadly, "Dad, shortly after that case, after we were taken and interrogated, I found out that I couldn't have children." She could see that the information took her dad's breath away. Another squeeze to her thigh from Castle gave her the strength to continue.

"Dad, several weeks ago we came into contact with those responsible for my infertility and we learned that they'd done some experimental work." Her dad's eyebrows rose in surprise and trepidation. It seemed unreal.

"They took two of my eggs and fertilized them, creating embryos." Kate took a deep breath and a sip of her tea to give herself a moment to gather her thoughts. Her dad tried to speak several times, but fell short when he attempted. The man simply couldn't find words.

Instead he remained silent, waiting for her to continue. Kate looked to her partner, willing him to help her in that moment. He understood and began to speak for the first time.

"We quickly learned that the eggs were fertilized with my… that I…That I'm the biological father."

Castle supplied. Again, Jim looked shocked. It seemed that the older man expected them to burst out laughing, to tell him it was all a joke. Only, they were completely serious.

"Katie, I'm not sure I understand… What is it you're telling me?" It seemed incredulous.

"Dad, I'm going to have a baby." She finally stated.

"We're going to have a baby." Castle corrected, placing his hand over hers in a sign of unity.

* * *

Her partner was supportive. Castle was supportive during Kate's conversation with her father and to reward him she allowed him to drive. She did not tell him that, of course. Instead she cited that she was slightly light-headed and accepted his subsequent offer to drive. Truth be told she was fine. In fact, she felt better than fine now that her father was aware of the baby.

To say that he was shocked was an understatement. From his devastation to learn of what had been taken from his daughter and the hurt that she never told him; to the utter shock when he was told about the embryos and the IVF. Above all else, Jim Beckett was happy to know his daughter was pregnant, hopeful that things would continue to progress and relieved that Castle was the father. Yes, _relieved_.

She blushed furiously at the table when her father told Castle that there wasn't a better man to be the father of his grandchildren. He'd never given such respect and support to the previous men in her life. Yet with Castle he seemed eager.

"I think my dad might have a man-crush on you, Castle." Kate teased her partner as they made their way back to the car. She placed the cabin key in her pocket as they walked. The writer smiled, cocking his head back and walking a bit taller.

Jim was overjoyed to learn that there would be a baby, and they'd agreed to spend more time together when she returned to the city. Her father also shook Castle's hand, thanking him for taking care of his daughter. It was a moment that made Kate feel more than a little flustered.

"I am pretty irresistible." Castle retorted. He placed his hand at the small of her back as they crossed the parking lot and it seemed so natural that neither of them noticed.

* * *

They drove to the cabin, a calm and amicable air between them. Kate was so relieved to have the conversation with her father out of the way that she was slightly giddy. He wasn't only supportive of the pregnancy, he was happy about it. _My dad wants Castle and I to have a family._ She was awed by the fact. It also made her wonder what her mom would have thought. _She would have loved him,_ Kate reflected as she watched Castle.

They listened to the radio as they drove, reminiscing over old cases and the antics of their team. When a good song would play they sang along. Kate would laugh as Castle would intentionally sing loudly and off-key. It was so incredibly refreshing for both of them.

For the first time in a long time, they spoke freely and openly about things that had nothing to do with mad-scientists, hormone treatments or the pregnancy. There was no anger or tension between them. There seemed to be no unspoken resentment and no flight attendants in their way. Kate felt more sure of her standing with Castle than she had in a long time.

Yet, she found herself struggling with the same insecurity that hounded her for months. _I'm not ready. I'm not where I need to be to have this relationship. Castle deserves for me to be ready, to be whole again. _She thought back to the bombing case, back to before Castle had iced her out. She thought she was ready then. She wanted to be ready then.

Kate let out a sigh of frustration, so lost in her own thoughts that she'd forgotten for a moment that the center of her struggles was sitting in the drivers' seat right next to her. _What happens if I tell him and he's not in the same place? What if he really did move on? Maybe he's just doing this out of pity or obligation. _As if on some ironic cue, the radio began to play a soft tune as Kate grappled with her insecurities. It was a song that Kate recognized.

In fact, she remembered listening to in high school, but she had long since forgotten as the years passed. Then, on a rainy afternoon last July, just months after her shooting, Kate sat at her father's cabin and sorted through memories from her youth. She'd come across the CD and listened once again. Only now Kate found that the old song took new life, speaking like no other to her feelings for her partner.

She listened to it at the very same cabin they were traveling to; as she came to the acknowledgement his love for her, of how it terrified her. Later, it saw her admit the love she had for him, guided her through the acceptance that she wanted to heal for him. Now it was playing for Castle, the object of her desire, frustration, fear and love. Kate felt she couldn't breathe as the words she knew would come began to sound.

_**Please don't say I love you.  
Those words touch me much too deeply.  
They make my core tremble.  
I don't think you realize the effect you have over me.  
Please don't look at me like that.  
It just makes me want to make you near me.**_

_**Always.**_

Although it made no rational sense, Kate was terrified that Castle would somehow know that they were listening to her song for _him_. She rested her head against the glass of the car window and guarded her breathing as much as possible. Kate felt completely transparent, as if Castle somehow knew that the song filled her with thoughts of only him. Did he know that the words were a verbalization of everything she felt for him? Did he understand that he was listening to all those things that were left unsaid? The detective felt as if she were an open book, one that she was terrified he would read.

_**Please don't kiss me so sweetly.  
It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow.  
And please don't touch me like that,  
it makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow.  
And please don't come so close.  
It just makes me want to make you near me.**_

_**Always. **_

Even now, the song conjured memories of Castle's lips against her own. Kate was flooded with the sensation of how it felt to be in his arms, even if it was just a ruse to rescue the boys. She remembered the taste of him and the way his fingers glided through her hair. He was her drug and she knew there would be no getting him out of her system. Even before she'd admitted that she was in love, Kate couldn't deny that no other man, not Demming nor Josh, ever made her feel the way he did. They really did pale in comparison to him.

_**Please don't bring me flowers.  
They only whisper the sweet things you'd say.  
Don't try to understand me,  
your hands already know too much anyway.  
It just makes me want to make you near me.**_

_**Always. **_

They drove in silence as Kate lost herself in thoughts of him, of how he knew her better than anyone else. His presence disarmed her like no other. Kate wanted to turn to face him, to see if he knew how the music was affecting her. Would he see the transparency on her face? Usually she was on her own when her mind wandered to these thoughts. However, in that moment she was captive his presence and the music persisted. Did he know that she felt she couldn't breathe? Could he tell that she was drowning in all the things she'd never told him? If he did the writer gave no indication. Instead he drove in silence, the music unrelenting in its onslaught.

_**And when you look in my eyes,  
please know my heart is in your hands.  
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms  
you have complete power over me.**_  
_**So be gentle if you please.  
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth.  
It makes me want to make you near me.**_

_**Always.**_

Soon she thought back on the previous months, on how it felt to nearly lose him. She'd never been so lost, so devastated as she was during those months when he no longer wanted her. _Uncomplicated, _he'd told her. Kate would never forget how he'd crushed her then. Yet in the end, it was _that_ time more than any other that drove home her feelings. She'd dated Josh for nearly a year, had been living with Will before he'd left her, and neither effected her the way Castle had with one word; _Uncomplicated_.

_**Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth.  
It makes me want to make you near me.**_

_**Always. **_

The song's words of love and yearning continued as Kate grappled with herself. She didn't know how much longer she could go on without coming clean to Castle. Only now there was a baby. Did he still want uncomplicated? Would he stay with her out of obligation now that she was pregnant? How would he respond when he learned that his partner, damaged and _complicated _like no other, was irrevocably in love with him?

_**I want to be near you. **_

_**Always.**_

As the tears threatened and burned at her eyes, Kate knew that she would find out sooner rather than later. She didn't know how much longer she could hold back without telling him. There was no choice but to risk that he'd moved on. While the pregnancy brought her time, it brought him back to her as a partner for the moment, it was no guarantee. She had to push away the anguish that came with thoughts of him wanting the baby but not her. Kate swallowed the lump in her throat as she considered sharing a baby on the weekends while he moved on with another woman. _**  
**_

_**I want to be near you. **_

_**Always.**_

As the song slowly came to its end, Kate forced herself to keep her eyes closed. Is she opened them the moisture would be there and he would know. She concentrated on keeping her breathing steady in the hope that he would believe she fell asleep. Soon they would be at the cabin and there would be no more hiding, there would be no boundaries of professionalism, no badge to hide behind. It would only be them and somehow Kate knew that the next several days would make or break them.

_**I want to be near you. **_

_**Always.**_

* * *

**AN: Expect another update this week and yes, we're setting up for something pretty big.**

**Near You Always is from Jewel's Album "Pieces of You," Which was very popular when I was in high school (and thus when Kate was). You can find the link on my twitter account or look it up on youtube. If the song "If it Kills Me" was Castle's song, this would be Kate's rebuttal during that time ;) Enjoy! **


	15. If We Kissed

AN: This story is still a firm T-rating, and I will let you know when that changes.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

_**"What would happen if we kissed? Would your tongue slip past my lips? Would your run away? Would you stay?"**_

_**-If We Kissed, Meredith Brooks**_

Kate sat on the edge of the dock, her legs immersed in the water. She leaned back to allow the sun to bathe her face. Nothing put her at ease quite like the fresh mountain air at her dad's cabin in the Adirondacks. It was mid-June and although still early, in a couple of weeks it would likely be warm enough to swim.

Kate did not anticipate being there long enough for swimming. Besides, she was content to dangle her feet and calves into the cool water. The detective considered her dad's old rowboat, recalling memories of summers past as she played with the soft fringes of the blanket she sat on. She relished in the feel of breeze on her face.

"I can understand why you love it out here." Castle spoke from where he was seated next to her. There was a blanket spread between them and a picnic basket in the middle. It was filled with a variety of foods that had been Kate tested and approved. Although she couldn't stomach cheese, she did ok with yogurt. Upgrading to the Greek variety provided her with more protein as well.

"I mean, it isn't the beach, but it's nice." He added with a grin on his face.

Kate rolled her eyes, familiar butterflies returning to her stomach as their gazes met. "I guess I'll just have to take your word for it Castle." She'd never been to his Hamptons house, but hopefully one day she would know for herself which was better. Still, Kate figured that her memories at the cabin were not likely to be surpassed by anything.

"I used to swim in this lake with my mom." Kate reminisced as she looked onto the still waters,

"In fact, I learned to swim here."

"Really?" Castle was pleasantly surprised. He was always happy to learn something new about her, but her stories rarely took place in the actual location of her memories.

He kicked the water up lightly, envisioning a tiny version of Kate, splashing the water happily. Soon after that came visions of the two of them, teaching their own child to swim. Castle swore he could hear sweet giggles sounding somewhere in the distance. Judging from the whimsical expression on Kate's face, Castle knew that her mind had gone to the same place.

"What do you want it to be, a boy or a girl?" He asked her softly.

It was the first time they'd truly talked about it. Neither allowed themselves to go there before they were more certain that she wouldn't miscarry. She was just over seven weeks and although still early, Castle could no longer resist thinking or talking about the future. Kate shrugged, looking down at her still flat stomach. She placed a hand there.

"I don't know. Healthy, I suppose." She turned to face him, asking him the same question.

"How about you? You already have a daughter, are you hoping for a son?" He was happy that she was opening up and he answered her honestly.

"I don't care what it is. I just want it to be healthy and I want it to be ours." She turned to face him. Her breath caught in the back of her throat and she was disarmed by openness and the intensity in his gaze. Kate could feel something shifting between them and she wasn't sure she was ready. She wanted to be, but the all too familiar insecurity gave her pause. She turned to look out over the water again. He sighed behind her in resignation, causing a twinge of guilt.

"I'm going to go get started on dinner." He smiled at her as he grabbed the basket between them. He could sense that she needed space, and although his goal for their time together was to have a talk, Castle was not going to force her into it.

Kate sighed once she was alone. She ran her fingers through her hair and closed her eyes briefly. She took a deep breath in, held it for a few moments, and let the air escape from her lungs as she considered him. Whatever it was that was happening between them, Kate knew she owed it to him to stop ignoring it. Even if she didn't feel ready, she owed him her honesty; and the fact of the matter was that things were changing. An obvious symbol of those changes was growing inside of her with each passing day. _Ready or not, here it comes_. The thought crossed her mind as she rested her hands once again on her abdomen.

* * *

Kate stepped into the cabin, and the moment she caught the smell of dinner her stomach waivered. One hand flew to her diaphragm and the other to her mouth. Whatever it was he was preparing was not in agreement with her. _Son of a bitch_, she snapped at herself as the panic set in, her body's signal to her that she was about to lose it. Kate made her way to the bathroom as quickly as possible.

As what little food she'd consumed came up Kate's frustration grew. She'd had such a nice several days. This felt like a setback.

He didn't hear her enter. In fact, Castle would have had no idea that she was anywhere near if it hadn't been from the sound of her retching in the bathroom. He sighed regretfully as he listened to her. She sounded miserable.

The writer knocked on the bathroom door lightly, "Can I come in."

Kate was kneeling by the toilet, holding her hair back with one hand while her elbow on the toilet seat supported the rest of her weight. She wore a thoroughly irritated expression on her face.

The detective was beyond being embarrassed in front of him. Castle knew that her irritation was not directed at him, but at her own sensitivity.

"It's ok." He spoke softly as he neared her. In the next moment she became sick again, allowing Castle to hold her hair as she balanced herself with both hands. He rubbed smooth circles into her back as her system finally calmed down. She flushed the toilet as he handed her a glass of water.

"Mouthwash." She asked as she propped herself up against the bathtub. There hadn't been much in her stomach, so most of what Castle witnessed was dry heaving. Still, there was a bad taste in her mouth. _I hate this_, she thought solemnly to herself. It was confusing to be so desperate for the pregnancy to be successful and resent it at the same time.

He handed her the spearmint flavored mouthwash and helped her stand so that she could lean over the sink and spit. After a few splashes of water on her face, Kate exited the bathroom. She avoided the kitchen and moved instead to the master bedroom. The windows were open and a candle burned. It was a lemon-mint combination that she never would have bought herself. Nevertheless, the scents complemented each other and left the room smelling clean, fresh and calming.

"I'm just going to lay down." She told him as she crawled into the bed. Kate was feeling exhausted and defeated. She was sick of being sick.

As if picking up on her mood, Castle sat beside her for a moment and rubbed his hand up and down her back.

"I'm sorry, Kate. I thought something light would work, so I tried to make chicken soup." Kate turned to face him, lifting her hand to stroke his cheek.

"Don't ever apologize for trying to care for me, Castle. It's not your fault that my body's freaking out right now." Her head was resting against the pillow, the pounding sensation lifting slightly. She covered her eyes in the hope that blocking the light would alleviate the symptoms.

Castle moved to the cabinet by the bed and pulled out one of the satchels that Doctor Lewis had provided. This one, a mixture of peppermint, lavender and chamomile, seemed to have the most calming impact on Kate's system. He handed it to her and pulled the curtains closed, blocking out some of the light that seemed to be bothering her.

"Try to rest and I'll get rid of the smell in the kitchen." He suggested. Kate nodded, but as Castle made his way back into the kitchen he could hear her yell.

"Be sure that you eat something. You shouldn't suffer on my account." He smiled at her words, touched that she was thinking of him in spite of her own discomfort.

* * *

Several hours passed and the sun was setting. Castle didn't want to wake her, but knew that she would be up all night if he let her continue to sleep now. It was a lesson they'd learned the hard way in the past week. He climbed onto the bed and placed his hand tentatively on her shoulder. He could feel her startle awake under his touch. She turned and opened her eyes, rubbing the sleep from them and looking at him.

"What time is it?" She questioned.

"It's about 6:30," came his response. She'd been asleep for about 2 hours.

Kate nodded, "Thanks for waking me."

"How are you feeling?" He watched Kate rise from the bed and move to blow out the candle that was still steadily burning. She smiled at him and replied.

"Better. Headache is still there, but at least my stomach has calmed down."

"There is a plate in the fridge, just safe foods." He spoke.

Together they'd compiled a list of the foods that she could tolerate and stocked up on them so that there would always be food for her.

"I could always get you some saltines if you don't feel up for anything more substantial." Moved once again by his tenderness, Kate approached him. She squeezed his shoulder with gratitude and made her way to the kitchen. The detective grabbed the plate from the fridge and moved to the couch. There she sat and began to pick at her meal.

Castle joined her, sipping on a glass of wine and feigning to read a book as he monitored her. If she was going to get sick again he wanted to be there to respond. However, she seemed to be managing just fine. In fact, it seemed that her first bite triggered her appetite and soon she began to devour the rest.

For several moments things seemed to be going fine. However, when she set the plate on the coffee table and moved to stand things quickly started to go downhill once again. Kate leaned back she moaned. He couldn't tell if the moan was one of satisfaction or of discomfort.

Soon he could tell it was the latter. "Should have slowed down." She spoke, she smiled softly to appease Castle's concerned expression. Kate wasn't convinced she was going to be sick, she just felt slightly nauseated.

"Are you sure you're ok?" He questioned.

"Give me a minute and hopefully it will settle." She spoke. Kate inhaled deeply, holding for a moment before releasing her breath. She seemed to be willing herself to not become ill.

Recalling what they'd been told the doctor, Castle made a suggestion.

"I could use some of the pressure point techniques." He was timid in his words. Afterall, it wasn't usual occasion for him to put his hands on her. Still, he felt helpless to watch her struggle so much with the pregnancy symptoms. He figured that she must have been desperate because Kate simply nodded in agreement.

She sat up and made room for him on the couch, allowing for him to situate her body between his legs and her head against his chest. Slowly, he took her right arm, turning her hand palm up. He slowly ran his fingers from the outer side of her elbow to the inner side of her wrist, using care to place more pressure at the start and end point. Kate turned her head into the crook of his neck and took slow, deep breaths.

He repeated the motions several times, and at the very least, Kate could feel herself relax into him. Soon he motioned for her to sit up so that he could apply pressure to the points on the back of her neck, just below her head. Her nausea soon subsided and Kate relaxed. She was breathing more easily and simply enjoying the feel of his fingers against her skin.

With each inhale she took his scent in, soothing her system in the beginning and fueling her longing for him as time passed. Soon her discomfort was replaced with something else altogether. She moaned in contentment as he continued his ministrations.

Perhaps Kate was still drowsy from her nap, or her blood sugar had not stabilized from skipping a meal. She could have easily blamed it on the mood swings and hormone imbalances. Regardless, in that moment she decided to act. _The doctor did say more contact is better_, she thought to herself. Beckett turned slightly to face him.

Having no clue of her intentions, he simply continued with his work. Once he was finished with her neck, he shifted focus again to the next pressure point.

"Under the knee, right?" He asked.

"Yeah." Came her reply. Kate now wore a demure smile on her face. She shifted back so that he could move forward on the couch. He planned to take her knee across his lap, but she moved first, bringing herself to straddle him so that her knees fell to either side of his lap and extended the length of the couch.

He looked at her with confusion, prompting a shallow and barely thought out response.

"My leg should be straight. This gives you better access to both legs." He nodded, not willing to question anything that would result in the ability to have her flush against his body. She was correct. From this angle he could locate the pressure point beneath her knee and massage there.

Castle tried to ignore the way she felt against him as he put himself back to work, but it was incredibly difficult, especially when he could feel her breath on the skin just below his ear. He dropped his head to focus on finding the pressure point. _Keep it together_, he told himself, _keep it together_. His hands faltered in the next moment when he felt her lips against his neck. _That_ he couldn't ignore.

He looked up to her in the next moment, only to find her gazing hungrily at his lips. His breath caught as she shifted her eyes up to his own. There was an intensity there that took his breath away. Before Castle could question it, she moved; capturing his lips with fervor. Her lips were soft, pliant and she tasted divine. Her fingers threaded through his hair as she moaned and deepened the kiss, bringing her tongue to caress his own. Castle was reeling, unable to form a coherent thought as she took his bottom lip and bit down slightly.

Kate pushed her body against his, relishing in both the smell and taste of him as she finally let go of all that had been holding her back. She was overwhelmed by how good it felt, and by how quickly her desire for him was escalating. She _needed_ to be closer to him, and her movements against him intensified.

Castle grasped her hips, pulling back slightly to prolong the kiss. He wanted nothing more than to savor the moment, but Kate would have none of it. Once she'd started, she couldn't stop. She didn't want to stop. The detective was tired of denying all she felt for him and was ready to put it all on the table. Figuring that actions spoke louder than words, she came up onto her knees, moaning into his mouth as she pressed herself against him once more.

Her hands traveled down from his face to the sides of his torso and soon Castle could feel her hands working the buttons of his shirt. It became clear that she wanted a lot more than kissing. _Too fast,_ a voice whispered to him in spite of his body's obvious reaction and desire. Although he wanted nothing more than to get lost in the sensations she created, the writer was suspicious of what had prompted all of this. The internal struggle began.

On one hand, he wanted to slow things down. He knew that she didn't love him, he'd known that for some time. He couldn't forget that she'd strung him along; and no amount of kissing, no matter how mind blowing it was, would change that. On the other hand, she felt so good against his body. They fit together so well. She tasted amazing and he was already resisting the urge to take her shirt off. There was no doubt in his mind that they would ignite into flames in seconds. He only needed to let go.

Then again, what would happen when the flames went out? What would become of them when Kate remembered that she didn't love him the way he did her? Their relationship couldn't survive it, and now there was a child between them to think about. Against every fiber of his being, the writer acted.

Castle placed his hands on her forearms and halted her movements. He pushed her back slightly, allowing his face to rest against her neck as he tried to pull himself together. She huffed in frustration and didn't give him long to regroup, as moments later she was stroking her fingers through his hair and demanding access to his lips again. _We can't do this_. A voice in his head sounded. Whatever it was she wanted, he was not going to satisfy some urge she had and watch as she began to hate him for it in the morning.

"Stop." He pushed her back with as much force as he could manage. At first she didn't listen, desperate in her need for him now that she'd finally let go. She just arched back in, capturing his lips once more.

"Beckett!" That snapped her out of it, as his use of her last name in those moments slapped her across the face. Castle slid himself out from under her and stood, making as much distance as possible between them. She was shocked, confused and hurt.

"What the hell, Castle?" She was genuinely surprised by his rejection. Of all the ways she thought he would react when one of them finally acted on their feelings, pushing her away had never crossed her mind. It stung.

"I'm not going to do this with you, Kate." He insisted. He sounded angry with her.

Kate's cheeks flushed with embarrassment and anger soon followed. "Isn't this what you've been wanting?" She shot at him. The detective struggled with the urge to slap him and run from the room in shame. Very few men had ever told her no, the present company was the major exception.

"Not like this." He responded in a forceful tone.

"What does that mean? What's changed? Does the thought of a pregnant woman gross you out? Because that's pretty shallow…" Kate didn't know what this was, but she knew it had nothing to do with the baby. Her words were a low blow, but she was too hurt to care.

"Don't you dare put this on me, Kate. You don't have the right. Not now." He warned her.

"Not now?" She was genuinely confused. "What's different about now?" They were finally getting to the crux of whatever pain and anger he'd been carrying, and Kate knew that. This time she wouldn't back off, and she wouldn't let either of them run. _It ends here_, she was resolved to it.

"Because I know it wouldn't mean for_ you_ what it does for _me_." He admitted.

"Castle?" His name was a question on her mouth. Kate was completely lost now, and for the first time since she'd kissed him, she was worried.

"I heard you Kate." His voice seemed less angry but had an accusatory tone nevertheless.

"Heard me what?" She asked, completely lost in that moment.

"I know you remember that I told you I loved you." He spoke, "and while I can appreciate that you don't feel the same way, it was pretty cruel to just string me along." His eyes shot daggers and there was very little holding him back now. She felt all the simmering anger that he'd directed towards her for months come to the front, only now he was at a boiling point. He continued his tirade.

"So forgive me Kate, forgive me if I'm not willing to satisfy whatever itch you've got; Because it will always mean more to me than that." His voice faltered as the last words came out. Castle couldn't look at her any longer, so he turned away.

"Is that what this has been about? All those weeks of anger, of pushing me away? Flight attendants in your Ferrari?" Her voice was soft, and there were traces of disbelief and hurt there.

_What the hell gives her the right to be hurt?_ He thought bitterly to himself. Still, he would not turn to face her. She continued to speak.

"You never thought to tell me that you overheard me? You never gave me the chance to explain?" That caught his attention and in the next moment he spun on her.

"I don't owe you anything." He shot as he raised his fingers to point in an accusatory fashion. She shook her head in disbelief and she took a step back, her hands automatically moving to touch her abdomen. It was an unconscious move, but Castle caught her gesture nevertheless. He lost some of the burning indignation.

Kate was still lost. If he hated her so much, why had he consented to have this baby? She asked him that very question.

"If that's how you feel, why did you agree to this?" Her hand rested prominently on her stomach. Kate wasn't sure she wanted an answer, but they were done avoiding one another. Something had to change.

Castle looked deflated now, "You'd lost everything. You didn't deserve that. Regardless of how you feel about me…" He hesitated, but spoke his mind anyhow, "you know I love you. Even if I wasn't the person you would have wanted to do this with, I wasn't going to deny you the only opportunity you had." The pain in his voice cut at her.

Castle took a deep breath. Screaming at her wasn't going to do any good, and the fight had left him. He needed air. It was also clear from her expression that she was still processing this new information.

"I need some time." He called over his shoulder as he headed out the front door of the cabin. Kate stood stunned in his wake.

The detective took several deep breaths as she processed everything. _He heard me. He's angry that I lied about it. _She thought back over the weeks and months past, things finally clicking into place. _He's been angry because he thinks I was stringing him along. _Another piece of the puzzle clicked into place.

She sat down on the couch, cradling her head in her hands and trying to figure out how things had gone so wrong. She never intended toy with his emotions, and she didn't see her behavior as using him or taking advantage of him. Afterall, she was taking time and placing effort into healing _for_ him, for _them_. It was then that she got it. _He still thinks I don't love him._

Kate released an audible sigh. _Sometimes even I can't believe how dense we are. _She shook her head as she made her way down the porch steps and toward the dock.

At least part of this was her fault and she intended to fix it. They'd endured enough time apart and Kate didn't want to waste another moment.

* * *

**AN: I am posting this chapter and the next together, as they were written as one. It got a little too long, in my opinion, hence the break here. **


	16. Breathe Me

**_"Help, I have done it again. I have been here many times before. _**

**_Hurt myself again today. And the worst part is there's no one else to blame. _**

**_Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. _**

**_I am small and needy. Warm me up. _**

**_And breathe me."_**

**_-Breathe Me, Sia_**

* * *

It was well past dark by now, but the moon was full and it cast a glow that was bright enough to light Kate's way to him. As she approached the lake she could see the outline of his body in the darkness. With a deep breath, she slowly walked down the dock, stopping behind him.

She noticed the pile of blankets still sitting behind him. While she'd folded them, the detective forgot to bring them back inside. She shifted her gaze back to Castle's back. It hurt her to see how much physical weight he seemed to carry. It made her ache to know that she was responsible for a great deal of that sorrow.

Castle released an audible sigh, making it clear that he knew she was there. Beyond that, he said nothing. He wasn't going to make this any easier on her. If she wanted to have a conversation, than it was on her to do the talking. It was a major shift in their dynamic and Kate accepted that.

"I wasn't toying with you, and I wasn't stringing you along." She started. Her voice broke through the silence between them, disrupting the peaceful night around them.

She could hear the slight huff coming from Castle. It was clear to her that he'd made his mind up already. Now it was her job to make him understand that he'd reached the wrong conclusion.

Kate thought back on a conversation she'd had with Dr. Burke, quickly deciding that the ugly truth was the best approach.

"I wasn't hiding, Castle, I was healing." She could see the rise and fall of his shoulders, his release of breath as he contemplated her words. Still he said nothing. She decided to give him honesty, even if it was a difficult thing for her to talk about.

"At first I couldn't deal with it. It took all I had to put one foot in front of the other. I couldn't face what happened that day without bringing up everything that had occurred." She'd said something similar to him nearly a year ago when he'd challenged her for not calling.

Although he was hurt then, the thought that her PTSD had anything to do with his romantic feelings hadn't crossed his mind. He simply assumed that her denial of his feelings by silence was because she didn't return his affections.

"I was in therapy, did you know that?" Kate offered, hoping he would accept her olive branch and join the conversation. She moved to stand beside him, slipping out of her shoes as she spoke.

"No. I didn't." Came his reply. His tone was resigned, most of the anger had dissipated. "You never said anything about it."

"Well, I didn't want to make it into a big deal," she admitted. I just wanted to put in the work and get myself to the place I wanted to be. I wanted to make myself into a better person." Kate paused and took a deep breath,

"I wanted to be the type of person who…" her heart sped up in preparation for her next confession. She stumbled on the words.

"I heard you Castle, and those words were the only thing that pulled me through; but I was still in such a dark place. I was broken Rick, and you deserved better than that." Her voice was now pleading with him.

"You still deserve better, and I was trying to be better…to be _more_, for you."

"More than what?" Castle finally spoke. His tone was still void of emotion, but she could hear his interest. At least he was listening.

Her reply was barely above a whisper, "more than _me_." That got his attention.

Kate moved to sit beside him, allowing her feet to drift down to the water.

"You're this famous author who always sees the glass as half-full. In your world there are aliens and ninja spies, and you always find the silver lining. Your world is filled with love, and soul mates and magic, and Castle… I'm broken." He could hear the raw pain in her voice, and the reality of the situation washed over him.

"You deserve more than me, Castle, and I wanted to be more. I wanted us to have a fighting chance, so I waited."

She placed her hand down next to his, brushing her fingers gently across his skin. When he didn't pull away, she took it as encouragement and continued to speak.

"You told me that you weren't my first choice where this baby was concerned, but you were wrong." He inhaled deeply as her words acted like a soothing balm, easing some of the pain he'd been carrying. She was rambling now and he couldn't interrupt her even if he wanted to.

"You told me that you loved me even if I didn't feel the same." Kate leaned forward to try to meet his gaze,

"but Castle, you were wrong. There isn't anyone else I would want to do this with." She lifted her fingers to brush across his cheek and pulled her hand back when she felt the moisture there.

"Castle, please look at me."

He turned to face her, and despite the fact that the moon cast their only light, Kate could still see the pain there. She felt the contours of his face, noting once again that he'd been crying. It was only then that Kate realized her own tears. _How did we get so broken? _

She wished she could take his pain away and vowed to start that night. Unable to bear the intensity of the moment, Castle turned to look back out over the water.

Still linked by their intertwined fingers, Kate shifted her body towards him. With one leg beneath her and the other dangling over the water, she leaned in to reach across them both, bringing her hand to cup his jaw. She brushed her fingers along the skin here, caressing his jaw before turning his head to face her once again.

With a soft graze of her fingers through his hair, she leaned up and brought their lips together once again. There was no urgency to her movements, only the desire to express herself. His breath halted on their first contact, but soon he responded.

This time their kiss was soft and tentative. There was no rush as they tasted one another, and the contact between them tender and vulnerable. This time nothing was left unsaid_._ Her lips were still brushing against his own when she whispered to him.

"I love you too, Rick."

Her lips returned to his briefly, pressing against him a promise of everything she wanted to share.

In the next moment she pulled back, startling him. His heart was beating rapidly as he watched her. This was new territory for both of them and he was unsure. However, there was no trace of hesitance in Kate as she leaned back in and smiled against his lips, tasting him once again.

* * *

Castle rose to stand, extending his arm to help her join him. Kate did so willingly. Soon they stood and embraced once again, the ease of having this weight lifted from their shoulders mixed with the elation that they were finally in this place filled her stomach with butterflies. They were finally on the same page, and from here on out they would be a _them._

Kate watched curiously in the next moment as Castle stepped away from her. He leaned down over the side of the dock and pulled on the rope there. Soon the small rowboat followed.

He held it steady and motioned for her to move. At first she was confused, but in the next moment she understood his intentions. Kate smiled.

"Ladies first." He took Kate's hand and supported her as she took a seat. In the next moment he handed her the folded blanket and smiled in return.

"Castle, what are you doing exactly?" her tone was light and the happiness there was infectious. She could see his wide grin in the moonlight.

"What does it look like, we're going for a boat ride." He slowly stepped onto the boat, careful not to tip them over as he seated himself up against the edge. He untied them and allowed the boat to float out while simultaneously opening his arms for her.

Kate gladly accepted his gesture and tentatively shifted so that she was nestled between his legs, resting her head against his chest. She pulled the blanket over them both, snuggling against his warmth as the breeze whipped around them.

While Kate had spent a good deal of time on this boat during the past summer, she'd never taken it out at night. There was something magical about gliding across the water in the moonlight. She guided his arms around her and rested them at her stomach, lacing their fingers there.

"You don't see stars like this in the city." Castle spoke. His whisper tickled her ear and made her smile.

"My mom and I used to lay out on the dock. She would point out the constellations to me and tell me stories about Greek Gods, Goddesses and warriors." She could feel Castle hum in response and soon his hand slipped beneath her shirt, the back of his fingers grazing along her abdomen. Chills ran through her body that had little to do with the night breeze.

"Do you want to tell me a story?" Castle spoke, his fingers were wreaking havoc on her body, making it hard for Kate to catch her breath. She could tell from his soft chuckle that he knew exactly what he was doing.

"I'd rather write our own." She shifted her head back, raising her arm from beneath the blanket to tilt his head towards her own. Soon his lips were on hers again.

She moaned has her fingers carded through his hair. Soon she could feel his tongue, seeking entrance as he deepened the kiss. She gladly gave, relishing in the taste of him, the feel of his tongue caressing her own. Kate didn't know it was possible to lose herself so completely in something as simple as a kiss. Yet, there was nothing simple about the way their mouths moved.

Castle's hands roamed across her stomach before grasping her hips. Kate's hand worked to pull him a little closer, wanting their mouths to maintain their glorious contact. She inhaled sharply in the next moment when she felt his fingers skip up her sides and along the underside of her breasts. She could feel his arousal and had no doubt that her body was equally ready.

However, each time one would attempt to shift into a different position the boat would shift, reminding them that they were precariously close to capsizing the small vessel. Kate broke their kisses suddenly and let out a huff of frustration.

"Really Castle, a rowboat?"

They were both silent another moment before his laughter broke.

"Not my best idea, huh?" She soon joined him, laughing as they both shared in the odd nature of their predicament.

He planted kisses along her brow as they eventually settled back under the blanket, watching the stars as they enjoyed the simple sensation of being in one another's arms.

* * *

Castle was awakened by an odd sensation. It felt as if he was playing a round of bumper cars and nothing made sense to him. He opened his eyes to be met with bright, open sky; a solid weight shifting against him. _We fell asleep on the boat._ The realization struck him.

Kate nestled against him, responding in her sleep to his slight movements. Castle could ascertain that they both slid down into the bottom of the boat, falling asleep with her lying on top of him. He pulled the blanket up over her shoulders to keep her as warm as possible while turning to gauge their location.

He could quickly see that the boat was floating against the earth. _That explains the bumping_, he thought to himself. Kate shifted again, moving to turn her body. The rocking picked up considerably, prompting Castle to still her.

"What happened?" She asked as she awakened. Clearly Kate was disoriented.

"Don't move too much, we fell asleep on your dad's boat." He informed her.

Kate pressed herself up, looking out over the water. She was dumfounded.

"Oh." Came her reply. Kate took a mental inventory of their current circumstances.

"Castle, what happened to the oars?" He looked then and noticed that they were gone.

"We must have kicked them overboard during the night." Came his response.

"My dad will be thrilled." She replied sardonically.

Slowly and carefully, Kate sat up, pushing herself to the opposite side of the boat. She could see the apprehension cross Castle's face as she put space between them. The detective smiled and took his hand in her own.

"I'm trying to balance the weight a bit more to avoid tipping." She explained.

"Frankly," The writer offered, "I'm floored that we somehow managed to not end up in the water last night." Kate glared at him, but there was no bite behind it. Still, Castle felt the need to clarify,

"While we were asleep, Kate. I'm surprised we didn't tip the boat in our sleep. Rowboats aren't exactly designed to be slept in." He spoke.

Kate simply smiled, "Let's just be grateful that the wind and water pushed us up against the bank. We'd be forced to swim otherwise."

She was right and Castle knew it. Without the oars they would have little power to direct the small vessel. He grabbed for the bank, attempting to get his grip on something to stabilize the boat. When he found a steady rock he held it, motioning for Kate to climb over him and onto dry land.

"Ladies First." He smiled to her as she moved, first using his shoulders to stabilize herself and then gasping as he _assisted_ her by placing his hand firmly on her bottom to push her onto the bank.

Soon he joined her on the shore, pulling the small vessel up with him to prevent it from floating back out. He tied it back to the rope by the deck and turned to find her waiting. She wore a soft smile as she reached for him.

Together they moved, hand in hand, back to the cabin to start their day together.

* * *

**AN: Content warning for the next chapter. While nothing will be explicit, I will clearly mark M-Rated sections for those who choose to bypass them.**


	17. Need You

_Hello readers! Apologies for the delay. I went out of town and travel/writing don't mix for me. This is a long one, I try to limit my chapters to about 2500 and this is double that. I decided to not break it this time._

_Note the double lines indicate an M-rated section. When these symbols appear (CBCB), you can simply stop reading. The story will pick back up next chapter and you will not miss any plot. The rest of the chapter is a fairly spicy T. It's all fluff._

* * *

**_When I need love  
I hold out my hands and I touch love  
I never knew there was so much love  
Keeping me warm night and day_**

**_-Leo Sayer (When I Need You)_**

"Are you hungry?" Castle questioned as they entered the cabin, their fingers still entwined. All in all she felt good. Although she couldn't imagine how he could have been comfortable spending the night in a rowboat. He turned to face her, waiting for her to answer his question as he walked backwards towards the kitchen.

Kate nodded, "I could eat." She wore a shy smile as he moved towards her once again and planted a soft kiss on her lips.

As he moved back into the kitchen, Kate felt the fluttering of butterflies in her stomach. It was all so new, this level of physical contact that was now a part of their relationship. She wasn't sure if she would ever get used to it. She wasn't sure if she wanted to. The detective bit her lip softly as she watched him work and smiled as she tasted the lingering hints of him on her mouth.

While Castle prepared breakfast she showered, freshening herself up after a night spent in her dad's rowboat. Kate couldn't help but laugh to herself as she thought about it, but was also struck by how it could have happened. _He couldn't have been comfortable_, she mused once again while washing her hair. The detective made a mental note to ask him about it.

After drying herself off, Kate dressed quickly, deciding on her favorite red and white sun dress. It was loose and soft, and part of her looked forward to the prospect of driving Castle crazy in an outfit that was so clearly not what he was used to. She wore a smile of anticipation as she pulled her hair back. _Tonight_, she vowed to herself.

Slow was nice, slow was soft and gentile and Kate liked the feel of his lips and the thrill of his caress. Slow was very nice, but four years was long enough and Kate didn't want slow. She wanted him. _Tonight_, she smiled once again as she planned their day.

When Kate emerged from her room she saw him busy with his preparation of their meal. She noted the lack of smell and was glad for it. Her stomach had been calm all morning and she wanted things to stay that way. Feeling her eyes upon him, Castle paused his task to raise his head.

She could feel him gazing upon her body, appreciating the thin cotton material that tied around her neck and flowed to just below her knees. Satisfied that she'd gotten the desired response, Kate approached him.

"Hummus in the fridge, with pita and chopped cucumbers." He spoke, unable to avert his gaze from her body. She smiled once again.

Kate moved to take his face in her hands, cupping both sides of his jaw as she moved in for a kiss. It was incredibly liberating to be able to kiss him whenever she wanted, and Kate took a moment to brush her tongue against his sensually. When she pulled back she took the knife from his hand.

"You go shower, I'll finish here." She offered with a soft smile.

"Are you sure?" He clarified, "you and food haven't exactly gotten along lately." He pressed. His hands never left her body, his eyes gazing upon the bare skin of her back that was left exposed by halter top of her dress.

"I feel fine and the only thing left to do is chop vegetables. If I start to feel sick I'll stop." She reassured him. He grazed his fingers across her bare arm and smiled at her, leaning in for one more kiss before retreating for a shower of his own.

Kate couldn't help but smile once more, enjoying his hands on her body as much as her ability to put her hands on his. They were major changes, but Kate was ready.

* * *

As the afternoon approached both Castle and Beckett found themselves back outside.

With a blanket spread beneath them, the couple watched the clouds roll by. It was simple, relaxing and exactly what Kate needed to unwind. In fact, the detective couldn't recall the last time she'd been filled with such contentment. Maybe it was the soft breeze or the perfect temperature. _Maybe it's the man brushing his fingers along my stomach. _She smiled at the slight tickling sensation his ministrations brought about.

As they lay side by side, Castle identified the most fantastic-sounding cloud creatures and concocted intricate stories for each one. She couldn't remember the last time she'd simply allowed herself to watch the clouds roll by. Soon the writer pretended that they were interacting, the cloud dinosaur to the north and the cloud clown to the west preparing to battle.

"I hate clowns." Kate smiled, taking his hand into both of hers and resting it low on her abdomen.

"Oh, I'm totally rooting for the dinosaur too." He clarified as he rolled onto his side to face her. His face came to nestle against her ear, the soft strands of her hair caressing his skin. There was a gentle breeze that rolled across both of their bodies, adding to the perfect day that was upon them.

Kate smiled as he deeply inhaled her scent. The gesture triggered the butterflies in her stomach once again. It was so new for the both of them that the mere act of touching seemed like a precious gift; like something to be savored.

Kate soon turned her head to face him, bring their foreheads to rest against one another and their lips only inches apart. Nevertheless, the distance still felt too far for them.

Soon the writer shifted, wrapping his arm around the small of her back to pull her body flush against his own; and together, they savored the afternoon. They learned how to touch, all the different ways they could kiss, soft and gentile, slow and pliant, coy and playful; heated and explosive.

As they shifted positions, Kate coming to rest on his lap, she felt his hands skim across her shoulders and caress down her bare back. She smiled and leaned closer. From this new angle she ran her fingers across his chin, her hair covering both of their faces as their lips joined once again. He continued to graze his fingers across her back.

The sensation sent chills coursing through her body and she had to fight he urge to pull his shirt over his head. What started as slow and sensual was rapidly getting out of hand. _Not how I planned it._ She struggled with herself as she pulled away.

As she pulled back, Kate found that she had to wrap her arm around her chest to hold her dress up. Somewhere in the middle of their heated make-out session he'd evidently managed to undo the tie at the back of her neck. Her face was flush and her breathing rapid as the detective tried to gain control. Nevertheless, Kate couldn't suppress the smile as she thought about how good he was with his hands. _Why am I not surprised that he's skilled with getting my clothes off? _

For his part, Castle wasn't doing much better. In fact, it was good that Kate stilled herself on his lap, that she had the presence of mind to stop them. It was clear to him that she wasn't ready and the last thing he wanted to do was push her. They'd made so much progress, many years' worth of progress, in one night. The writer feared pushing her too far. The last thing he wanted was for them to take four steps forward only to take five back.

He watched as she held her dress up, trying to regain her own composure. Her chest and cheeks remained flushed, and the sight of her arousal, her dark eyes and swollen lips, took his breath away. With a shy smile, he reached behind her to re-tie the fabric of her dress. Afterall, his skilled fingers had undone the knot in the first place.

Kate watched him work, holding up her own hair now that the dress was secure in his hands. She trusted him more fully than she'd ever trusted anyone in that moment. Still, her heart beat rapidly at the thought of dropping the dress and allowing the breeze to caress her naked torso; but they'd never seen each other in such an intimate way. Now was not the time. _Not yet._ She studied him, considered the concentration on his face as he worked, signs of his restraint as he calmed himself down. _I love him_. The thought floated across her mind as if it were the most natural thing.

His willingness to take things at her pace made her love him even more. What he wasn't aware of was that she was equally eager to be with him. _The things I'm going to do with you_, she smiled to herself as she moved to sit on the blanket once again, her dress firmly in place. He was amazing in his restraint, in his willingness to go slow.

She, on the other hand, was contemplating the ways he would touch her, how he would feel against her, how they would be together. _Soon_, she reminded herself with a smile. It wouldn't be long and the tension was slowly killing her, the anticipation building with their every move. She leaned in to kiss him again, nibbling on his lower lip playfully and once again relishing in the fact that she was free to kiss him, to taste him, as she wished.

However, things would not become more heated, as in the next moment Kate felt a rain drop, large and cold, splash onto her bare back. Another followed soon, then another. Both looked up to a dark sky, rumbles of thunder catching them completely off guard.

They'd been so distracted by one another that they'd missed the puffy white clouds they'd been watching replaced by a dark and foreboding thunderhead. Castle couldn't help but laugh as the sky opened above them. He jumped to his feet, reaching for her hand as they both made a dash into the cabin and out of the pouring rain.

* * *

Castle could feel something shift, he could feel electricity in the air that wasn't there before; and it was so much more than the afternoon storm blowing outside. He dried off and dressed quickly, making his way to the kitchen to throw together their dinner. The afternoon had really gotten away from them.

The writer couldn't help but smile as he worked, days where they could just be together were few and far between. In fact, they'd experienced no day quite like this one before. _The first of many more to come_, he hoped.

She was barefoot when she joined him again, so he didn't hear her enter the room. Nevertheless, he felt her presence with every fiber of his being. A smile crossed his face once again as he continued chopping vegetables. Simply knowing she was near put him at ease, the knowledge that he could now reach out and touch her left him brimming with joy.

The writer glanced up from his dinner preparation and his breath caught. The knife remained still in his hands, poised for its next movement. She was a vision.

Kate was drying her hair off with a towel, her soaked red and white dress was now replaced with a thin cotton summer dress. The golden tones in her dark hair and the tan hue of her skin took on a dramatic effect against the pure white cotton she wore.

There were intricate patterns on the garment, giving it a lace-like appearance. It might have been a night gown, Castle wasn't sure. He also didn't care. He could think of little else than touching her smooth skin, lining kisses along her exposed collar bone once again.

She looked up to catch him staring, and with a soft smile she set the towel over the edge of the couch. The detective carded her fingers through her hair to allow it to air dry. She came to stand beside him in the kitchen and placed her hand over his, still poised with a knife in the air.

"What are you doing?" She asked him.

"Um… making dinner." He replied, his eyes traveling the length of her body. It was so foreign to see her like this. To see her wearing something so light and so pure. It was so out of character for her and it threw him.

Kate smiled again, knowing that she'd made the right choice when she changed. _It will be easy to take off again, _the thought coyly as she pressed his hand back down to the cutting board to remind him of his task. She then leaned in, tilting herself to block his vision of the celery in front of him, and stole another kiss.

She smiled against his lips and he soon did the same, catching on to her game.

"Stop distracting me if you want to eat." He informed her.

Kate grinned once more, placing a quick peck against his lips as she stepped back.

"Peanut butter in the cabinet, raisins in the fridge", Castle informed her as he finished chopping the celery. He'd already prepared them sandwiches and fruit.

"You forget that this is my dad's cabin. I know where things are." Kate reminded him as she plucked a piece of celery from the board and nibbled on it.

"Yes, but you didn't see me put the groceries away." He countered,

"That will taste better with peanut butter." Castle stated. She simply turned to look at him, her brows raised and expression conveying, _do you think I'm stupid?_

Castle chuckled, _now that's my Beckett._

* * *

Crickets chirped all around them as they sat in companionate silence on the couch. There was no need to fill the silence, no tension or discomfort between them. Kate let out a sigh as she considered it, contemplated _them, _it was so easy to just be with him.

Dinner was nice, filled with laughter and good conversation. Their hands touched more than necessary, and both found reasons to brush past one another a little closer than necessary. On more than one occasion she could feel the warmth of his fingers, his palm, on her forearm or against the small of her back. It was all natural.

After they'd finished their meal Castle poured himself some wine, pulling out an identical glass and filling it with Ginger Ale for Kate. Meanwhile, she'd gone into the closet.

"I have something to show you," she spoke excitedly as she made her way across the room. Kate pulled a box from the top shelf, one filled with mementos of summers past.

They looked over them together, sitting side by side on the couch as their food digested, as they waited to see whether Kate's stomach would continue to tolerate food as well as it had been that day. She sipped ginger ale as he did wine and Kate showed him photos, told him stories, relived fond memories of her youth.

"My mother loved it here. It was her idea to buy this place." Kate looked around the room while Castle gazed upon a photograph of the Beckett family, standing on the porch. Kate looked to be about 12, and her smile featured a mouth full of braces. He smiled.

"You were a cute kid. I can see the devious glint in your eyes though." He smiled as she elbowed him for the comment. The wonder he felt when learning something new about her never got old.

"Did you buy the cabin as is?" He asked as he looked around the room and inspected the woodwork, the decor of the room. Kate laughed at his question.

"If you think it's a mess now, you should have seen it then. My dad put a lot of work into this place. Mom and I spent an entire summer up here, sweeping out dusty rooms, fixing hinges on squeaky doors and praying that my dad wouldn't fall through the roof as he attempted repairs." Kate laughed to herself as she recalled the photograph.

"It sounds like you had a lifetime of memories here." He spoke softly, bringing Kate back to the present moment. She smiled to him and nodded.

"Someday we'll make memories of our own." She placed her hands onto her stomach as she spoke, smiling softly at the still non-existent baby bump.

"We already are." Castle's voice was low, and the weight of his words impressed upon both of them. Kate looked back up and when their eyes met the electricity returned. She felt dizzy with it, incapacitated by it for just a moment. Kate had planned it, she knew she wanted them to cross that final boundary, but found herself unable to move in that moment. It was as of gravity was holding her in place. Castle felt it too, and in effort to break the tension he stood.

It was when he stood that Kate realized she was truly ready; not just that she wanted him, but that she was ready for all that came with crossing that line. He was willing to wait, there was no pressure. Her mind wasn't racing and there was no fear or doubt there. The tension was nearly overwhelming, the weight of what they were about to become, but she was ready. They were ready and Kate knew it with every fiber of her being.

Castle placed his glass of wine down beside him, rising to explore the living room of the small cabin. She watched him in silence and considered their baby. In the end she found it funny that this moment had everything, and yet nothing to do with their unborn child at the same time. The detective couldn't explain it, but she knew that they would have found their way to this moment anyhow.

She was jarred from her thoughts by a familiar sound, and turned to face Castle once again. The writer had wandered over to the old record player and was putting one on.

"It's been a long time since I've used one of these." He noted as he lowered the tonearm to the vinyl. A long-forgotten crackling of sound indicated that the machine was working and soon a familiar tune filled the room. Kate smiled, it was a song that stirred up a variety of emotions.

It pulled at her heart sharply and filled her mind with visions of memories past.

_When I need you  
I just close my eyes and I'm with you  
And all that I so wanna give you  
It's only a heartbeat away  
_

"My parents danced to this song at their wedding." She told him. "They fell in love to this song."

He smiled to her meaningfully as he placed the record sleeve back onto the table. It was an old song, but a good one.

_When I need love  
I hold out my hands and I touch love  
I never knew there was so much love  
Keeping me warm night and day_

"I used to sit on this couch and watch them dance. He would spin her around the room and I would dream that someday I would find…" Kate stopped speaking, unable to speak as the weight of the moment once again captured her words.

_Miles and miles of empty space in between us  
The telephone can't take the place of your smile  
But you know I won't be traveling forever  
_

She wasn't sure if it was the weight of the memory or the significance of what she was about to say, but words failed her. Castle didn't need them. He simply moved to her and held out his hand.

"Dance with me, Kate." The same tension that was between them a moment ago, the gravity of what was happening between them, returned once more. Only this time he didn't back away. Neither did she.

_It's cold out, but hold out, and do I like I do when I need you  
I just close my eyes and I'm with you  
And all that I so wanna give you,  
It's only a heartbeat away_

She took his hand and he pulled her to join him, encircling her waist in his arm while holding her hand against his shoulder. Kate relaxed into his arms as the music played, smiling as she felt him kiss the top of her head.

This was a moment she'd truly dreamed about. A moment she'd waited her whole life for, only Kate hadn't realized it until the moment was upon her. The song felt like a gift, like a gentle nudge from the universe, reassuring her that everything would be ok; that they would be ok.

_It's not easy when the road is your driver  
Honey that's a heavy load that we bear  
But you know I won't be traveling a lifetime  
It's cold out, but hold out, and do like I do  
Oh, I need you_

Kate lifted her arm to cradle his back. Resting her chin against the crook of his neck as her hand rested on his shoulder. They seemed to be in a moving embrace of sorts, dancing slowly; their bodies pressed as closely as possible. She inhaled deeply, allowing his scent to surround her and fill her once again. She felt drugged by it, by the love she felt for this man.

_When I need love  
I hold out my hands and I touch love  
I never knew there was so much love  
Keeping me warm night and day_

Castle was amazed. Not by the fact that they were dancing, but by how close she held him, by the way she clung to him as if her life depended on it. The writer had been with many women, and in a lot more intimate situations than this, but none ever made him feel as needed, as cherished, as Kate Beckett did in that moment.

_When I need you  
I just close my eyes  
And you're here by my side  
Keeping me warm night and day_

He held her close, brushing his nose against the side of her face and lining slow kisses there. Countless women, two weddings, bringing Alexis into the world, and nothing compared to the intimacy shared with Kate in that moment. He could feel the intake of her breath, knew that she was taking as much of him as he was from her. He could sense their mutual need and the writer had never felt so loved, so cherished in his life; and he'd yet to truly touch her.

_When I need you  
I just hold out my hands  
And I'm with you darling_

Kate held his body against her fully. At some point their hands had come apart so she could fully embrace him, so he could envelope her body in the warmth of his arms. She knew the song, all too well. She knew it was coming to an end and she didn't want it to. No matter what would happen in the future, Kate could feel the moment slipping away. The detective had never wanted so much to stop time.

_All I wanna give you  
It's only a heartbeat away…_

_Oh, I need you darling_

The music came to an end, and silence filled the room. Still, neither moved; unwilling to break the moment. Castle worried that things would get awkward if he didn't step away. He remained resolved to move slowly. Although it spoke against every fiber of his being, the writer moved to step back.

Her arms tightened around him, blocking his attempt to create space.

"Don't let me go." She whispered against him.

Castle struggled, wanting nothing more than to be with her, than to take her into the bedroom and finally touch her, love her, the way he'd dreamt of. He just wasn't convinced the time was right; that he wasn't moving too fast for her. Kate felt differently.

She simply stepped back, never breaking eye contact as she moved slowly towards her bedroom door. She extended her hand to him. Her expression held a thousand questions and answers at the same time. With a simple gesture she wordlessly spoke, _we've waited long enough._

His doubts fell away and Castle knew she was ready. He accepted her invitation and took her hand into his own. Their fingers laced together as she led him towards the bedroom.

* * *

CBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCB

* * *

The room was dark, and the moonlight cast a shadow across their faces as the couple came together, both in awe of the weight this moment carried. _Finally, _she thought as their lips met once again. For the first time, she knew that this kiss would not be suppressed, that this kiss would lead to the culmination of whatever it was that they could _be_ together. She was ready to find out.

It was tentative at first, as Kate broke their contact to cross the room. She kneeled on the bed, waiting anxiously for his touch once again. The tension seemed to pull the air from the room, making it hard to breathe. She held his gaze as she lifted the cotton dress and tossed it to the floor. It was a gesture of great trust, leaving no room for any lingering doubt between them.

Castle stood, mesmerized by her openness as he ventured to gaze at her body. She was clad only in her bra and panties. The white lace took on a bluish hue in the moonlight and in that moment he swore she was glowing just a little bit. The time for waiting was over, as Kate reached for his hands and pulled him towards the bed. She crawled to the edge of the mattress to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him once again.

Castle was captivated by the moment, by the feel of her lips against his own, of the soft plains of her skin, and the sensation of her fingers carting through his hair. He was so distracted that he nearly missed the removal of his own shirt. She'd managed to undo the buttons with one hand as she traveled down to his neck with the other. It was apparent that he wasn't the only one with skills in that department. He couldn't help but smile against her lips.

Electricity seemed to zap between them in the first moment they experienced true contact, skin against skin; and whatever was holding Castle back snapped. He pushed her back onto the bed and covered her body with his own, seeking every inch of her skin as he mapped a trail to memorize the uncharted territory. His hand paused at the juncture of her hipbone and abdomen.

He could feel the spot, usually slightly hollow, was slightly raised. Although the writer had never gotten a good look at her naked body, he'd touched her enough to know the natural curvature of her hip bone, the absence of a hollow where her lower stomach began was foreign to her body. Her hand joined his there, acknowledging with him that their child was indeed growing. He leaned back, to take her in once again, captivated.

Soon he trailed kisses down her chest and came to rest on her stomach, venturing below and finally allowing himself to touch and feel such a sacred part of her. He could feel her fingers brushing through his hair as he moved his lips and tongue across her sensitive skin.

However, time for sentiment was soon lost, as Kate eagerly pulled him back up to join their lips. With her arms and legs curled around him, she showed exactly what it was she wanted. She guided his hands to touch her, to feel her and opened herself up to him completely. The pleasure his hands created nearly undid her.

Kate rose from the bed as he reached behind her to unclasp and remove her bra. She shivered at the sensation caused by the brushing of his fingers across her breasts, sighing as her nipples hardened beneath his touch. The cool air contrasted with his warm mouth as he created a trail of wet kisses on every inch of her. Kate found it hard to breathe and they'd just begun.

Castle leaned back to remove his boxer shorts, allowing Kate to see him fully. She pressed herself up onto her elbow and moved to touch him. The need to know, to touch, to feel every inch of his body was too great to resist.

With great effort, the writer held himself up with his arms while his hips pressed against her involuntarily. The fire fueled by her movement coursed through his blood. He wanted this to last, he wanted to savor it, but the heat of her touch was quickly undoing him.

"Kate." He struggled with her name, grappled with coherent thought as she ran her hand along the length of him. She understood the plea in his tone and moved once again, letting go of him to raise her hips. Their eyes never lost contact as she began to pull her panties down.

His hands touched hers as he grasped the material at her hips to help remove the last shred of clothing between them. He moved back up and finally allowed his body to press fully against hers; no barriers between them. They both gasped, overwhelmed by how complete they felt. Kate wondered mildly how intense their joining would be. She was amazed that there could be such intimacy before they'd consummated their relationship. The sensation of his weight pressing her into the mattress left her breathless.

"Condom?" he asked as he trailed kisses along her collar bone.

"I'm clean. You?" came her response. She was too distracted by the feel of his lips on her skin to speak more coherently.

"Me too." He replied.

He paused and looked up at her,

"What if you get pregnant?" His voice was mild and Kate couldn't help but grin. She slapped the top of his head as they both laughed. It all felt so easy, so natural. Kate could feel his smile as their lips joined once more.

Soon he moved his hands lower, slowly he began to explore once again. Their lips came together and their tongues caressed; the humor of the previous moment lost to the heat building between them. Kate once again allowed the scent of him to envelope her, allowed the heightened sensation of her body to pull her under. He could feel her grasping his back, her other hand clasped at his neck as he finally positioned himself.

Neither let out a breath as her legs enveloped his thighs. Her hand moved down to grasp his backside, urging him on.

Their eyes met in the moonlight at the moment he entered her. It was a gaze they were unable to break as he filled her completely for the first time. The sensation consumed them, and for a moment there was nothing else. The world around them ceased to exist as she wrapped herself around him, stretched and adjusted to him.

When he shifted she gasped, reminding them both that they needed to breathe. He then pulled out slowly, only to press back in again. He dropped his head to her shoulder, tasting the sweetness of her skin as he pressed himself into her fully. She fit him perfectly, her body enveloping him in every possible way as he moved. He'd never felt so bonded to a person in his life.

"God, Castle." She gasped, still clinging to him, attempting to keep her head above the wave that threatened to consume the both of them.

He responded with a thrust, pressing his body fully against her and into her at once. _It's never been like this. It's never felt like this. _His mind was struggling to keep up with his body.

It was true. With Meredith sex had always been hot, intense and playful. With Gina the passion was always about meeting the mutual needs of their bodies. This was different, the complete love and abandon Kate was showing was unfamiliar, the sense that she needed him as completely as he needed her was overwhelming.

He never wanted it to stop and was driven to escalate their passion at the same time. Her cries soon echoed through the room as he drove her higher, spiraling out of control with every sensation.

Soon they were drenched with sweat, and Kate wrapped both arms around his neck to bring their bodies flush against one another again. He could feel the desperate grasp of her fingers on his back, in his hair. Her whispers of love, pleas, gasps and cries of ecstasy drove him on.

It wasn't long before his body took over and he found himself unable to form coherent thought. Castle was unable to stop moving. She cried against him, her gasps of pleasure driving him further into her, into them.

Moments later the intensity pulled them both under, and the remnants of any hurt, confusion or doubt between them was washed away in a wave of all-consuming passion as they finally gave in to the love and desire between them.


	18. Always You

Disclaimer: I own nothing. This chapter straddles the M line (middle section).

* * *

**"_These fantasies, they blow my way like sirens to a fool._**

**_And in the stillness of my soul, I keep returning to_**

**_Always you. _**

**_I'll come back to you, Always you."_**

**_-Jennifer Paige, Always You_**

* * *

They fell into a rhythm quickly, with their new-found intimacy at the center. The cabin provided the perfect backdrop as they discovered the most intimate parts of each other, both physical and emotional. As the days passed they simply became _more_ than either had been before.

While they didn't venture back onto the rowboat after losing the oars, they did lay out on the dock together, blankets beneath them as they kissed, touched under the sun. Kate smiled as she watched the trees beyond the lake rustle in the wind. Castle, on the other hand was distracted, planting soft kisses against her collar bone as he grazed his fingers down her arm and across her stomach.

She erupted into laughter as he switched from planting kisses on her neck to blowing just behind her ear. Kate turned to face him, an open grin on her face. She leaned in to kiss him on the lips, taking his lower lip between her teeth and biting him playfully in retribution. She beamed as he brought her to straddle him, her hands resting on his chest as they gazed upon each other once more.

It truly was refreshing for him to see her so blissfully happy. The knowledge that he was the cause amazed him. Everything about her amazed him. _It always has_, he reflected. Now they were creating a future together.

"We're having a baby, Kate." Every now and then one of them would voice it, just to remind them both of the future they were creating together.

She gave him a look of surprise, "You're pregnant?" She teased.

"Ha. Ha." He shot back, ticking her slightly on the ribs as he wrestled her back down onto the blanket and beneath him.

As he touched her, Kate could feel the familiar stirring in her stomach, the need for him coming to life once again. While she'd read that pregnancy tends to enhance both sexual desire and pleasure, she honestly couldn't believe that what she was feeling was hormones. In fact, she was convinced that things were different because this was Castle._ I'm not sure I've ever had sex with someone I truly loved, _she considered, _at least not the way I love him. _

She was truly astounded by the sheer intensity of what they could become in those precious moments where nothing else existed but them. She smiled as she thought about it later that day, cleaning up the living room as Castle prepared a snack. It was hard to believe that their time at the cabin was coming to a close, but Kate needed to return to reality. She needed to return to work while she still could. _Six months from now I'll likely need help getting up._ The thought crossed her mind and Kate found that the thought didn't really bother her. She also imagined that she might feel differently should that day come.

"I don't want this to end." Kate sighed as she cuddled up against his side and wrapped her arm around his waist, whispering into his ear. They stood like that in the living room the night before they were to return to the city.

"Neither do I." Castle agreed. This little bubble that they'd created was perfection and he didn't want the real world to burst it. His thoughts lingered there for awhile.

"You know, it doesn't have to end." He suggested to her.

Feeling the weight of his words, Kate leaned back so that she could see his face.

"What do you mean?" her question was tentative. She wanted him, she wanted it all, but they were in uncharted territory and Kate wasn't sure how to move forward.

"I mean that I'm in this, Kate. Nothing has to change. We're going to be parents together," he hesitated for a moment, but continued "and I want us to be a family."

He could see her eyes glass over with the moisture there, a sappy smile on her face.

Kate pressed her forehead against his as she whispered, "Me too, Castle, me too." There were no other words to express the way she felt in that moment.

* * *

"Wow." Castle heard Kate exclaim from the bedroom.

"What is it?" He questioned. He sat on the couch with a book in hand, casually sipping on his glass of wine. After enjoying a light dinner, Kate had made her way back to change. She'd been there only a few minutes when he heard her call.

She stepped into the living room, holding a teal leather journal in her hands. It had intricate patterns on the front, and a crisscross formation decorating the top corner of each page. He could tell it was meaningful by the intense expression on her face.

"What is it?" Castle asked. His curiosity was now more than a little piqued.

"It's from last summer." Kate gazed at it as if it were some living thing, both fear and awe inspiring. "I'd forgotten about it." She came to the couch and sat beside Castle, looking down at the worn pages. The memories from the months following the shooting came back, overwhelming her with emotion.

"My dad left it with me when he returned to the city." She spoke as she curled her legs under herself on the opposite end of the couch. He listened intently.

"He thought it would be good to keep me company." She flipped through the pages absent-mindedly.

"A journal." Castle observed. Kate simply nodded in response. She was silent for a few moments, lost in her thoughts. Soon she spoke again.

"Journaling was never my thing, but my mother loved it. She had diaries from her youth, and wrote in her own journal each night before bed. It was her way of ending the day." Kate recalled, smiling to Castle as she recounted childhood memories.

"It was something that I just came to take for granted, that she'd always spend her evenings with her head buried in those pages. So starting to keep one of my own was a little strange." Kate admitted.

Castle simply nodded, reaching to place his hand on the back of her neck. He offered a squeeze of support as Kate processed her discovery. She turned her head to smile at him with appreciation. His presence was reassuring, it eased the ache in her heart.

"My dad was furious with me for not calling you, you know?" She switched subjects, returning her attention to the journal in her hands; to last summer. Kate looked up from the journal to meet Castle's gaze.

"Really?" it came as a surprise. _I always liked Jim Beckett_, Castle reflected.

"He called me out on being stubborn, too pig-headed to know what was good for me." She admitted. She wore an ironic smile._ Little did I know how right he was. _It reminded her of all the time she'd wasted with Castle. The months and years they'd missed out on being all they could because she was too stubborn or too scared to face what was right in front of her.

"Well, you can't deny that he knows his daughter." Kate smiled, rolling her eyes and pulling a leg out from beneath her just to kick at Castle for his remark. She left the leg extended and he placed a hand on her ankle, offering her support as she opened the pages once again.

As Kate flipped through she could see signs of the progression of her writing. The early pages were written in very unsteady penmanship. Entire entries she couldn't recognize. _Hydrocodone_, Kate thought to herself. She'd been so out of it in those early days; it was hard to make sense out of anything she'd written.

Paragraphs were short, with entire sentences just a series of words running into each other. There wasn't much she could make out, but two words at the end of an entry from mid-May caught her eye.

"_Want Castle." _

The words made her heart hurt. It was a reminder once again of all the needless pain she'd put herself through while keeping him at arm's length. Then again, her time at the cabin allowed her to fully accept and embrace the fact that she'd fallen in love with him. They could never have been all that they were now had she not recognized that.

As Kate continued to flip through the pages, she noticed that her writing became clearer. By July, her handwriting was understandable. Most of the entries she scanned were about him, about struggling with her feelings for him. She grazed her fingers across some of the pages, where her tears had smudged the ink.

"Do you want to share?" Castle asked. He wasn't sure if he'd pushed too far, but wanted to be there for her if she needed it. The writer was sure that Kate had lost track of time as she flipped through what he was sure were pretty painful pages.

Kate glanced up at him, studied his face for a moment. It was clear that she was struggling with something, but the writer had difficulty identifying what it was. After all, Kate was always a private person. _Is she afraid? Is she ashamed?_ Castle wasn't sure. Regardless, he was determined to respect her boundaries.

Kate simply smiled at him before releasing a sigh and flipping through the pages once more. Now she was looking for something specific.

"While I was out here, after I was a little clearer, as I was healing, I wrote you a letter." She admitted, refusing to look back up at him and focused on finding the entry.

His brow rose, with both surprise and interest. Castle couldn't possibly have imagined her writing to him, especially during that time.

Once she'd found the passage she was looking for, Kate took a deep breath. This wasn't a light or a happy passage. The letter was dark, and it would be difficult. Still, she wanted him to know, to really understand.

"Castle, some of this is..." she hesitated for a moment.

"Well, it's pretty dark. It might be hard to hear." It was a warning. _If you want me to stop tell me now_, she pleaded with her eyes.

He understood, "I can take it, Kate." His hand squeezed her ankle, reminding her of his support. His touched seemed to anchor her in that moment.

Kate nodded in understanding. If their roles were reversed, she would want to hear his letter, no matter what it said. The detective closed her eyes for a moment, gathering herself before she began to read.

"_Dear Castle, _

_ I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I'm also pretty certain you'll never read it. Still, I wanted to get this out; needed to put it all on paper. I'm hoping that by writing it down I'll be able to let go of so much of what has been haunting me. I can't seem to get past it. _

_I came here to escape it Rick. I came to escape you. I know that it would break your heart to know that, to know that I ran halfway across the state to get away from you. But that's just the thing, Castle. I can't look at you, can't think about you right now. Every time you come to mind I'm reminded of Montgomery in that hanger. I'm living through that horrible night again. I see your face and I'm losing my captain, my mentor. When I think about your voice or your smile I'm lying in the graveyard with a bullet in my chest. There is a helpless look in your eyes and I'm terrified. I see your smile and I'm in unbearable pain and fear envelopes me. I think about you and soon I'm taking that bullet again. Even as I write to you, I feel like I can't breathe. _

_How do I get past this? How do I separate you from the horrible things that have happened? Castle, I'm scared. I'm so confused because I can't be around you. I thought of having you near me right now is overwhelmingly painful…and at the same time, I want you here so badly it hurts. I miss you, Castle. I know you love me. I heard you. _

_I don't know what to do with that, Rick. You love me and I can't be around you without re-living all my pain. You love me and I'm running from you. You love me and I cannot imagine how I can ever be with you. How can I possibly be in the same room with you when just the thought of your presence brings so much pain, such panic? Right now I feel like I'm starving myself, Rick. I need you with me, by my side, to live;but I have to go without you to survive. _

_Castle, you believe in magic, you thrive on the love of your family and you see silver linings; you are the brightest star in my universe and you love me. Rick, you love me and I don't deserve you.__Death follows me wherever I go. Death haunts me and I am not complete; I'm broken. I don't see magic, I see loss. _

_I want to lose myself in your eyes, in your smile. I want to live on the way you make me feel, but I'm scared that's gone now. You are worth so much more than the broken pieces of myself._

_I'm lost Rick, because you love me. You deserve so much more, and yet… I love you too." _

Kate simply stared down at the pages she'd read from. She was still pretty surprised that she'd read something so intimate, so painful to him. She'd also not realized when she started reading the letter that it would end with such a monumental confession. Kate knew it would be dark, she knew the emotions would be raw, but the detective hadn't remembered the confession.

_Kate, you've more than shown him how you feel_, she tried to reason with herself. Still, she wasn't prepared for what it meant now. Was she ready to say that? Was he ready to hear it?

"Kate." He whispered to her. Her eyes remained fixated on the journal.

"Kate," he spoke again, bringing his fingers to her chin to raise her head. When their eyes met she could see a soft smile there. There was sympathy and understanding there, and all her fears were eased.

"I'm glad to know this about you. Thank you for letting me in." While he'd known about her PTSD, he had no idea that he was a trigger.

"You came back anyway." He stated, "You came back to me, even though…"

Kate nodded, "I put the work into it, Rick. You were worth the work."

He pulled her to rest against him, wrapping her in his embrace as he lined her brow with kisses. Kate's arms wrapped around his chest in return, burying her face into his neck and losing herself into the sensation of his touch.

"I'll always come back to you, Rick. Always."


	19. If Walls Could Talk

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

**"_If walls had eyes, they could see the love inside._**

**_They would see me in your arms in ecstasy, _**

**_and with every move they'd know I love you so."_**

**_-Celine Dion, If Walls Could Talk_**

* * *

They remained on the couch for what seemed like hours, Kate resting against his chest as he ran his fingers absent-mindedly through her hair. His rhythmic movements lulled her into a state of complete relaxation and she set her journal on the coffee table.

Kate found it funny that she could let her guard down so completely with him. Then again, a lot of the leg-work was done where this relationship was concerned. Those early days, weeks and even months of getting to know a person, learning their dark secrets and fondest memories, had already happened between them. The only difference was that they were only friends and partners as they learned about one another.

It took crossing that final boundary into a physical relationship for Kate to finally realize that they'd been in a relationship for years. Even when they were seeing other people, on some level they were committed to and completely entangled in one another.

She looked back to see all that had transpired between them as a single long and winding road that brought them to this moment, to each other. Kate was determined that she wouldn't lose sight of him again.

She turned her face back into is neck and planted kisses there. _The journal served its purpose._ She smiled once more, glad that they were on the same page. _I do love him too._ It was ok that he know that. The information was safe with him. Feeling particularly bold, Kate acted.

"I meant it." She whispered into his ear. She could feel the breath leave his body, and after a few moments his chest expanded again.

"I love you too." Came his reply, "both of you."

Kate felt his hand move to rest low on her abdomen, and the warmth of his palm coursed through her body. It was a giddy and unfamiliar feeling, and she had to suppress the urge to shut it down. It was so unlike her; and yet, it seemed so natural. _A new normal_, she considered.

_If this is the new normal I think I'll manage_. Kate smiled at the thought as she snuggled a little closer to her partner's warm and welcoming body. She closed her eyes as she inhaled the scent of him, a fragrance that she was rapidly becoming addicted too; and judging from the way her stomach seemed to relax and her body eased, Kate could only assume that the baby approved too.

* * *

Later that evening they lay in bed. Kate came to love the darkness of the cabin, far from the noises and lights of the city. The silence, the intimacy of the cabin was something she treasured as they spent hours mapping and discovering the uncharted territories of one another's bodies. She was content with the moonlight as their only source of illumination while they explored. Shadows were their only companion as they loved. Kate smiled up at him, brushing the hair back from his brow as he propped himself up on his elbows. She could tell that he wanted to learn her body every bit as much as she did his. As opposed to feeling vulnerable or defensive, as she had in the past, his eyes simply electrified her. She felt sexy, loved and safe all at the same time. It was a new feeling for Kate, and it was one she enjoyed immensely.

While their love-making was passionate and thoroughly satisfying, and she knew that they would both rapidly fall asleep after their vigorous activities, Kate wasn't ready to let him go. Nothing felt quite as good as the sensation of being pressed firmly into the mattress by his body.

"Stay here awhile longer." She whispered, wrapping her other hand around the back of his neck to pull him in for another kiss. She could feel him moan, the vibration of it coursing through his body and sending chills through her own. She stretched out against him, her limbs still satiated by their earlier activities.

"Hmmmm, If you say so," he responded, brushing his chin up the side of her neck and coming to nibble behind her ear. The stubble from his five-o-clock shadow tickled the skin there and Kate laughed softly, her giggles giving way to a sigh of contentment.

Kate grazed her fingers up his back and back down again, brushing his waist lightly with the tips. She sighed once again as he eased off his elbows and allowed the weight of his body to press against her more firmly. In that moment he was as close as humanly possible, still inside of her; and yet, Kate wanted him closer. She didn't know it was possible to want, to need someone so much.

She moved against him, reaching up to wrap her arms more fully around the expanse of his back. The movement brought about new sensations for both of them and soon he started to harden again inside of her. _I'm pretty sure this is as good as it gets._ Kate smiled as the thought crossed her mind. She wrapped her legs around his body to match her arms and cradled him against her.

"I thought we were done." He spoke, a hint of both surprise and pleasure in his voice. Afterall, they'd just barely recovered from a long and passion filled session.

"I'm glad we're not." Kate reassured him, once again eager to have him move against her, inside of her. He didn't need further prompting. Sliding his arms to cradle her shoulder blades, he ensured full contact between their bodies. Their kisses were deep, full, slow and both felt overwhelmed by the bond between them.

Soon their mingled cries filled the room once more, and Kate found herself driven to the point of madness with the sensation of him. He pulled the bed sheet over both of them, creating a cocoon to block the rest of the world out. They wanted to make time stand still as they moved together; climbing ever higher in chase of the paradise they could only find together.

Kate fell first, floating back down again as the sensation returned to her body in delicious tingles. She watched him as he moved, treasuring their intimacy, radiating with love for him. They were both covered in a sweat that only came about from pure bliss. She cradled his head in her hands as he struggled to maintain himself, prolong the moment.

"Let go, baby. Let go." She whispered against his ear as his head fell into the crook of her neck. Her arms came to cradle his neck, to hold him securely against her when he finally fell apart.

He did. With a final thrust, Castle allowed the wave of pleasure to finally pull him under too. He simply rested there for a pause, trying to catch his breath as Kate stared at the ceiling with an elated grin on her face. She was once again lost in her own thoughts of how amazing they were together.

Moments later Castle rolled himself onto his back. Soon the cool night air mingled with the sweat on their bodies and chilled them. She pulled the blanket over her chest and he did the same; their hands found each other, fingers lacing over the blanket.

Several moments passed, lost in the purity of the moment before Castle finally turned to her and spoke.

"Did you just call me baby?"

Laughter erupted as they settled in, eventually falling asleep in one another's arms.

* * *

Soon the morning came and it was time to return to the city. They restored the cabin to its original state, packing up what they'd brought from home and preparing for the long journey back. Never in her life could Kate imagine that time would pass so quickly. _Last summer seemed like it would never end, why should these weeks pass so quickly? _Then again, she realized, Castle was not with her as she was recovering from the gunshot wound.

Thoughts of the shooting always took Kate to a dark place. It was a place that she did her best to avoid. In the end she knew that the avoidance kept her from what she really wanted, from the relationship she truly wanted, for nearly a year. It haunted her even now.

"Do you think that being shot will impact the pregnancy?" Kate wondered out loud as she packed her bag.

"Did the doctor say anything about it?" came his reply.

Kate was startled by his response, _I didn't realize I'd said that out loud_. She turned to smile at him.

"No, she said that if I was fully functioning and able to keep up with the athletic demands of my job then the pregnancy should be fine." Kate folded the last of her shirts and zipped her bag shut.

She had been up to par where her job was concerned. Was able to push herself to her limits with little problem for awhile now. Still, now her life wasn't the only one that depended on her heart.

"And you don't believe her?" Castle questioned.

"It isn't that I don't believe her." She hesitated,

"I guess I'm just more worried about the labor and delivery then I am about the pregnancy, at least where my body is concerned." Castle could feel the weight of her statement, her unspoken distress.

"Kate, I can't speak from personal experience, but I think it is normal to worry about labor and delivery." It was true; he couldn't speak from his own experience. Meredith did nothing but complain about stretch marks and worry that everything wouldn't go back to where it was before she was pregnant. He was struck once again by how different Kate was compared to any other woman he'd been with. _I really got it right this time. _Despite his words, he could still detect discomfort in her.

"Is there something else you're concerned about, Kate?" He took her hand and sat them both at the foot of the bed. Kate hesitated, seeming to struggle with her words. However, when she did talk it seemed that she couldn't stop.

"Castle, this baby came into being in the strangest way. You know that. What do we actually know about the man who did this? What was his purpose?"

Castle moved to speak, but she cut him off with a rapid fire of words, "I know he was mentally unstable, and I know that in whatever warped world he thought he was living in he thought he was doing good; but what did he do?"

Again Castle started to speak, "Kate, I…"

"What did he do to our baby, Castle? What's going to happen in six months when this kid comes out? Will he or she be normal? Will our baby survive the pregnancy? Will I?"

The writer simply pulled her against his chest, allowing her to take comfort from him. There were so many unanswered questions, and the ones Kate was posing were all questions that he'd grappled with too.

"I don't know, Kate. At first I was afraid to wonder, considering things were so early in the pregnancy, but you're going to be in your second trimester in less than 2 weeks now." He was at a loss for words. _How do I tell her it is going to be ok when I don't know myself?_

He simply squeezed her body in support, "I promise we'll find answers." Kate pulled back with a grateful smile on her face, lifting herself from the bed to move back towards her suitcase. She still wasn't ok, but Castle could see that she was pulling herself back together, in true Beckett fashion.

A look of resolution crossed her face as she turned back to him. "You're right, we will find answers. It's what we do, isn't it?"

The writer smiled at her, walking across the room to pull her into an embrace once again. He kissed her forehead and threaded his fingers through her hair.

He felt her release a breath as she remained within his embrace, and was once again glad that she was open with him about her fears and anxieties. Castle vowed to do everything in his power to help her cope with them; both his and her fears.

Brushing his fingers along her temples, he tilted her head so that their eyes met.

"Kate, you're the closest thing to a superhero I've met… You've got this." He spoke with a confidence, with a belief in her that melted her heart.

She gave him a smile and a soft kiss. "As long as you're with me, I can do this. We can do this." She whispered.

He took both of her hands into his own, bringing her knuckles to his lips to kiss them as he spoke.

"You couldn't get rid of me now, even if you'd tried."


	20. All I want is You

**This chapter is a short one, but more to follow soon. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. **

* * *

**_You say you want your love to work out right._**

**_To last with me through the night._**

**_You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold._**  
**_Your story to remain untold, your love not to grow cold._**

**_All the promises we break from the cradle to the grave_**  
**_When all I want is you._**

**_All I want is you._**

**_-U2_**

* * *

They drove back to the city in companionate silence, both listening to the radio while lost in their own thoughts. Castle couldn't help but think back on all that had transpired. Everything had changed between them. He smiled, _it took awhile, but we're finally here. _It seemed that Kate was finally on his wavelength, as in the next moment she took his hand.

Kate gazed at their intertwined fingers. She liked the way they fit together, how her hand seemed to fit perfectly within his. Again, she was struck by how much time she'd wasted where he was concerned, where they were concerned. _It's in the past, look forward now_, she reminded herself.

Despite having had the perfect getaway, and feeling more solid with regards to where she stood with him, Kate still worried about the future; especially where the baby was concerned. There were still so many unanswered questions.

Part of her wanted to stay at the cabin, to suspend time and live in the bubble they'd created together. Yet, it was not possible. Kate was nearing her 10th week and it was time for a checkup and sonogram.

She spread her palm wide, her fingers stretching across her stomach protectively. Despite their conversation, despite reassurances that they were in this together, Kate worried. _What will we see on that sonogram? Is it normal? Is it healthy? _For all the excitement she had over seeing their baby for the first time, the unease was equal.

"It's ok to be nervous, you know." Castle spoke.

Kate remained silent, lost in her own thoughts. _How does he do that?_ Kate couldn't help but smile at his intuition. _I suppose the same way that we've been finishing each other's sentences for years. _She couldn't help but bite her lip, repressing the grin when she thought about their banter. _Foreplay._

Soon her thoughts wandered back to returning to the city. Once she'd started thinking about the week ahead her mind wouldn't stop racing. _We're actually going home_. Reality was setting back in and Kate wasn't sure she was ready.

The detective wondered what would happen when they truly got back to their lives. _Where does our relationship truly stand? _She contemplated. Kate knew that they were together, and she knew that they loved each other. There were no doubts where their commitment to one another was concerned, but what about his family? What about the baby?

_Yes, we're in love, but are we dating? Is he expecting me to move in? Does he want that?_ The questions weighed heavily on her mind. _What about Martha and Alexis? Will we share custody of the baby?_ Kate knew that Castle would want to be a full-time father, but was he ready to take her on full time? _Am I? _

_I've never done this_ before. Her mind was racing.

Castle told her once that she hid in nowhere relationships; that she always kept one foot out the door. He was right. Kate was always ready to run, prepared to break things off when things started to get too serious. _This is about as serious as it gets._ Her mind continued its rapid firing of thoughts as she nibbled on her lower lip anxiously.

"Where is this going?" She blurted, unable to keep her thoughts to herself.

"Well," Castle spoke, "We're currently about 4 hours west of the city and if we continue at this rate-"

"Castle, you know that's not what I mean." She interjected.

"I know." He answered softly. A few moments of silence spread between them.

"I'm not sure what you want me to say, Kate."

The writer struggled with his own feelings, words that were sticking in his throat. _Move in with me and we'll jump into this thing? Marry me? Let's raise this baby together? _The issue wasn't that Castle didn't know what to say. The issue was that he was afraid that saying it would scare her away. There was a big difference in expressing their feelings, on finally acting on them, and living together or proposing marriage. _Too soon, _he reflected.

"What do you want us to be?" He turned the tables on her. His voice was calm and his tone loving and was no malice between them; just openness.

Castle could see by the expression on her face that she was shocked nevertheless. This wasn't how things worked. He was the expressive one in this relationship, not her. He always took the slack when it came to the emotional side of things. It was her turn.

"I wonder about what your mom and Alexis are going to think." It was an honest answer, but a deflection nevertheless. Castle knew that, but accepted that she was trying nevertheless. Afterall, she'd been the one to start the conversation. That was a big step in expressiveness.

"Kate, they want us to be happy. They want this baby to be healthy and loved." He turned to face her, taking his eyes off the road briefly to bring more meaning to his next statement,

"and as long as I've got you, I'm happy." He squeezed her hand meaningfully.

She lifted their joined hands to place a kiss along his knuckles.

"Me too."

She meant it, honestly she did. Still, Kate had questions, "but, what happens when the baby comes?"

"I'm not sure I understand the question." His voice was level, but it was clear he was not following.

"Well, you live at the loft, and I have my place, and this thing we've started… it's just so new." He nodded, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Under normal circumstances I wouldn't even be thinking about this. I mean, this _thing…_us being an_ us_ is so new." She motioned between them as she spoke.

"And yet, there is a baby on the way." Castle filled in the blank.

"Yeah." Kate agreed.

This wasn't a normal relationship. _Like it ever was_, Kate rolled her eyes at the thought. Still, most people didn't get pregnant and then become intimate.

"We've definitely put the cart before the horse." Castle stated.

They both were silent for a few more moments, reflecting on the oddity of their situation. Under normal circumstances, he would be wining and dining her. They would be sneaking off to each other's places at night and hiding their new affair from their colleagues. Under normal circumstances they would take things slow, they would be _dating_.

It wasn't exactly possible to simply date with an infant on the way. Castle sighed once more. It would seem that in this, as with everything else where they were concerned, they would have to make their own road.

"Do you regret it?" Kate whispered. Her voice was unsteady, but she needed to know. While her insecurity was no longer about where she stood with him, she still struggled with unanswered questions about where they stood together, as a couple moving towards whatever came next. Castle paused to think before he responded.

"Kate, in the ideal world the sex would have come before the baby."

She nodded, turning to face the window and swallow her discomfort. _I asked for his honest opinion, why should I be disappointed that he gave it?_ Kate thought to herself.

"That is, of course, because us having sex before the pregnancy would mean us having more sex, in the grand scheme of things." He added.

She couldn't suppress the smile, nor the eye roll as she turned back to swat him on the shoulder. Kate released the breath she wasn't aware she was holding. They really did find themselves in the strangest of situations.

Nevertheless, they were _them,_ and together Kate knew they would make it through this too.

The question at hand was _how? _


	21. Don't Leave Home

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

* * *

**_"Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be._**

**_When it's just you and little me. _**

**_Everything is clear and everything is new. _**

**_So you won't be leaving, will you? _**

**_-Dido, Don't Leave Home_**

* * *

They made it back into the city shortly before dusk. It always amazed Castle that travel could be so exhausting. Despite the fact that they'd done little else but drive, stopping along the way for lunch, he felt as if he could collapse in bed and sleep for the next 12 hours.

Neither of them questioned his decision to go directly to the loft. Castle was simply on autopilot, driving home. Beckett didn't seem to mind. In fact, her desire to sleep with him beside her outweighed any need she felt to be back in her own place. _We'll discuss it in the morning_, she thought to herself.

The door man helped to carry their things upstairs, setting them down by the door as Castle fished for his key. Seconds later the door swung open, as both Castle and Beckett found themselves enveloped in the embrace of his family. It would appear that it wasn't needed.

"Darling, how are you feeling?" Martha held Kate against her, alarming the detective with the sudden burst of affection. The detective smiled shyly. She simply wasn't accustomed to such overt displays of affection. Martha didn't seem to notice.

"I'm feeling much better, thanks." She smiled shyly at Martha. The older woman gave her a once over before turning to her son to do the same. She glanced back and forth between them and raised her brow.

"Ah, I can see that you are feeling much better." She gave Kate a conspiring grin and nudged her side. _She can't possibly know!_ Kate was incredulous. _How did she do that?_ The detective wondered to herself. Before she could think on it any longer Alexis approached, giving a squeeze to Kate's hands.

"It's good to see you again, Detective Beckett." Alexis was reserved, but polite. She seemed to be genuinely pleased to see Kate.

"Thanks Alexis. Things have calmed down quite a bit and I'm feeling more like myself again." She squeezed the teens arms with gratitude and smiled. Alexis seemed to relax at the gesture, and she pulled Kate in for a tentative hug.

It seemed that there was some work to do where her relationship with Alexis was concerned. Afterall, in less than a year she would be the mother of Alexis' sister or brother. Kate wasn't sure why the girl was so reserved, but imagined it had a lot to do with the events that transpired after her shooting. While she knew that Alexis supported the pregnancy, she'd told Kate that much, there seemed to be a tentativeness there.

After a few welcoming moments Martha spoke to the pair of them,

"Will Kate be staying here tonight?" It was a question, but Martha seemed to already know the answer.

Kate nodded, prompting Martha's smile to widen,

"Wonderful, I've got dinner ready in 15. Why don't you two freshen up?" The older woman waived them off as she turned back towards the kitchen, a glass of red wine in her hand.

Alexis smiled once again at Kate and embraced her dad, "I'm glad you're back." She paused before adding, "both of you."

Castle smiled as he watched his daughter follow her grandmother back into the kitchen.

"The good news is that with Alexis in the kitchen, dinner will likely be edible." Kate smiled, grabbing her duffel bag and starting to move towards the stairs. Castle grabbed her arm gently to stop her.

"Kate." Her name on his lips was a question, an invitation. She nodded with a smile on her face.

"Alexis?" She whispered. Kate wasn't sure if his daughter would approve of them sharing a bedroom.

"Kate, you slept in my bed half the nights you were here. I think they're used to it." The detective nodded again.

"I'm pretty sure my mother already knows about us." He added.

"I know!" Kate exclaimed, her voice still a whisper, "How does she do that?"

* * *

Dinner was easy, companionate and the food tasted delicious. Kate was very pleased that she was able to eat it with little problem. Then again, she was nearing her second trimester, just two weeks to go; so it was only natural that the morning sickness should ease up a bit. Still, she'd read that some women remain sick throughout the pregnancy, and considering hers was so severe, the relief she felt after every successful meal was immense.

Neither Alexis nor Martha seemed the least bit surprised that Kate was sharing Castle's bedroom, using his bathroom and shower to freshen up. In fact, they didn't seem to mind at all. Alexis had learned long ago to not involve herself in what goes on in her dad's bedroom. Martha simply thought it was about time. She only hoped that things wouldn't fall apart. After all, it was a new relationship and there was a baby on the way. Stress, it would seem, would continue to follow the couple around wherever they went.

When his daughter suggested it, Castle declined the idea for a movie night. He was simply too exhausted, and while Alexis understood it was clear that she was slightly disappointed.

"How about a marathon tomorrow? I'm still on leave and the sonogram isn't until Tuesday." Kate suggested, "your choice of movies?"

Alexis looked to Kate with surprise and delight, "That sounds great! Living room camp out?" She turned to her dad excitedly.

"Absolutely. I'll go to the store first thing and stock us up on junk food, you're responsible for the palace of pillows." He instructed his daughter.

Alexis smiled, a hint of her inner child shining through. She gave her dad a kiss on his cheek and hesitated, but soon did the same for Kate.

"Rest up. Tomorrow is going to be fun!" Alexis informed Kate before heading up the stairs to her own bedroom.

"It is good to have you both home." Martha spoke from behind them. Her words were for the pair of them, but her eyes were fixated on Kate. The detective blushed and smiled, _home._

* * *

They changed together, stripping their clothes as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Kate leaned down to sort through her night clothes, leaving Castle the perfect view of her chest.

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing." She shot at him teasingly. Kate never bothered to look up.

"I'm simply admiring the beauty of the human body. My gaze is purely for artistic purposes." He defended himself.

"Thinking of taking up painting, are we?" Kate rose to hold an already worn night shirt. "Got anything I can borrow that is clean?" She questioned.

Castle smiled, "If I were to become a painter, would you be my model?" He grabbed an old cotton shirt from his dresser and tossed it to Kate.

"In your dreams Castle." She teased as she removed her bra and slipped into his shirt.

"You've been modeling in my dreams for years, detective." He flirted.

He leaned back towards his dresser to grab a pair of draw string boxers, tossing them to her as well.

"I'll wash your clothes in the morning. Wear something clean."

Kate smiled at his attempt to get her completely naked, and never broke their gaze as she stripped out of her panties to replace them with boxers.

He took a deep breath, still not used to being allowed to watch Kate Beckett naked.

"You look good in my clothes." He whispered.

Kate approached, kissing him firmly on the lips, "I feel good in your clothes,"

she kissed him a second time, "and in your arms."

They brushed their teeth side by side in his master bathroom. She washed her face, patting it dry with a towel before she looked back to the mirror and saw his reflection staring at hers.

"What?" Kate asked with a smile.

"Nothing." He responded, "You just look really good here." His words echoed his earlier sentiment regarding his clothing, but his carried so much more weight.

Kate smiled, turning to him as he wrapped his arms around her.

"I feel really good here," came her response. She kissed him softly, inhaling his scent deeply and placing another kiss against his jawbone.

"and I could definitely get used to this, Castle."

They curled up together in his bed that night. She rested her head on his chest, an arm sprawled across him, leg entangled with his own and her body within his embrace. She planted a kiss on his bare chest and whispered,

"I love you."

He released a deep breath, but did not respond.

It was clear that he'd already fallen asleep, and soon after she followed.


	22. You Got Me

Disclaimer: I own nothing, as usual.

* * *

**_Oh, I just can't get enough_**  
**_How much do I need to fill me up._**  
**_It feels so good it must be love_**  
**_It's everything that I've been dreaming of._**  
**_I give up. I give in. I let go. Let's begin._**  
**_Cause no matter what I do,_**  
**_My heart is filled with you._**

**_-You Got Me (Colbie Caillat)_**

* * *

Early on Tuesday morning they got dressed. Castle was out of bed first, giving Kate some extra time to rest. He couldn't help but notice how exhausted she'd been lately, but knew that it was a completely normal sign of pregnancy. They'd also been fairly _athletic_ with one another in the time since they'd finally crossed that physical boundary with one another. Kate wasn't quite as accepting of her lack of energy and seemed mildly irritated at times by the fact that she wasn't quite as strong and vibrant as she usually was.

During those times he would remind her, "Kate, you're growing another person." It would always make her smile.

Castle made his way to the kitchen to pour them both a cup of coffee, his regular and hers decaf. The writer even went through the trouble of creating a latte, creating designs and patterns into the foam. He set a newspaper on the tray along with a single red rose that he'd requested the door man bring up.

Carrying the tray back into the bedroom, he paused, coming to a halt at the door frame. There he saw Kate, awake and dressed only in her bra and panties. She stood in front of his mirror, turned slightly to the side and gazing at herself. Her hands were positioned low on her stomach, examining the slight protrusion there. They could both see it, the slight swell in her abdomen that seemed to have appeared overnight.

Castle smiled. He set the tray on the dresser and approached her quietly.

"You're showing." He whispered. It was barely there, and when she dressed it would not be so obvious, but they shared in the intimate knowledge that her body was changing.

Castle placed one hand on her shoulder and the other over the slightly rounded stomach. She leaned against his body and smiled at the warm sensation that his hand on her stomach prompted. _Totally worth it,_ Kate thought about her recent and seemingly endless exhaustion.

"Signs of life." She spoke softly.

"The tiny human is growing." Castle answered her with a light and joyous tone. Kate couldn't help but chuckle at his new and endearing term for their baby. They both grinned and soon Castle casually moved his hand from low on her abdomen to cup her left breast.

"This feels nice too, very alive." He bit at her ear lightly and she rolled her eyes and swatted his hand, "pervert."

"Mmmmm." Came his response, tickling her ear and causing her to erupt with laughter once again.

She glanced up and caught their reflection in the mirror. She saw a woman there, her features soft and true happiness on her face. She saw the life growing inside of her and the man who was responsible cradling her as if she were the most precious thing in the world. Kate saw happiness and it nearly took her breath away.

She didn't have long to reflect on it before becoming distracted by his hand, sliding her bra strap off her shoulder and down her arm. He shifted his head and lined her now bare shoulder with kisses.

Kate turned against him just as he managed to undo the clasp and together they fell back into bed. She brushed her fingers lightly across the corners of his jaw and kissed his lips fully, smiling against them as she savored his touch.

Their coffee got cold that morning.

* * *

The doctor's appointment was at noon, and they barely made it. As they rushed down the hallway and into the waiting room, Kate chastised him.

"I told you we didn't have enough time for… _that_."

"Yeah, but do you regret it?" He challenged, pushing the door open so that she could walk through and sign herself in.

"No." She responded, a grin on her face. She loved this new aspect of their relationship, loved that just about everybody was completely clueless. It felt new and exciting, Kate felt a thrill run through her as she thought about it.

She couldn't imagine a time when she would regret jumping back into bed with him, even if he was already dressed and she showered. _Why waste all those hormones_, she reflected with a sly grin on her face as they waited. It was truly amazing and the effect of his body on hers was a special kind of drug. It was something she would never get enough of. Kate was startled from her thoughts when Castle leaned in and whispered into her ear, low enough that only she could hear.

"Katerine Beckett, get your head out of the gutter." He had a scandalous look on his face and Kate couldn't help but roll her eyes and smirk.

The nurse called her name in the very next moment, denying Kate the chance to retort. Instead they both rose, hand in hand as they followed the woman in scrubs to an examination room.

"Please change into this and I'll be back in a few moments to take your vital signs." The nurse instructed, placing the blue paper gown on the examination table before she left them in privacy.

"Look, Kate. Your favorite outfit!" Castle could easily recall how uncomfortable and awkward she felt wearing those things from the last times they were here. It was amazing when he thought about it, considered how far they'd both come since the day of the IVF procedure.

Now Kate simply removed her clothes, stripping down without a second thought about him being there.

"Tie me." She asked as she turned her back to him. Castle smiled, appreciating the view for a moment. She really was beautiful.

"I said tie me, not gaze at my ass, Castle." She turned to give him a classic Beckett glare, but there was no malice there, only teasing.

"Well, you can't blame a guy." He retorted, pulling the ties together and securing them.

"What, you didn't get enough of an eyeful this morning?" She teased.

"Never, detective. Never." He kissed her lips as the door opened and the nurse reappeared.

She took Kate's blood pressure, checked her temperature and pulse, and after asking several questions about her morning sickness symptoms, left again. In the silence their mood shifted from flirtatious to somber. Sensing her unease, Castle stood by her side, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and allowing her to shift to rest her head against his chest. It wasn't the most comfortable positions, as she was wearing paper and seated on the paper of the examination table. Still, his touch put her at ease.

"The baby is fine. The baby is healthy and growing. I believe that, Kate." Again, his hand came to rest low on her stomach. It was a reminder of the changes they noted that morning as she dressed. If her body was changing than the baby had to be growing. She nodded against his shoulder, swallowing back the nerves and leaning against him for support and strength.

The doctor soon joined them, shaking both of their hands with a smile on her face.

"I hear you're doing much better." The doctor commented as she read the nurse's notes and set her clip board down by the sink. Kate nodded,

"I am, thanks. Things really eased up about a week ago." She stated.

"Yeah, we usually see morning sickness peak around week 9 and subsequently gets better between weeks 10 and 12. Don't be surprised if you still feel queasy from time to time." She instructed Kate to lay back on the table, pulling the ultrasound machine closer.

"Today we can use the abdominal method; the baby should be big enough. If we're lucky we might hear a heartbeat too." Kate nodded as the doctor covered her lap with a blanket and lifted her gown, exposing her lower stomach.

"Did the naturopath I recommended offer any help?" Both Castle and Beckett smiled and blushed slightly. Afterall, had the alternative doctor not suggested time away they might have never gone to the cabin, and that skin-to-skin contact sure did _something._ Kate smiled,

"Yes, she did."

"Good." The doctor responded, turning on the ultrasound. Kate felt pressure and something cold against her stomach. It didn't hurt. A moment later the doctor pointed to the picture on the screen.

"There we go." She stated.

"Looks good, measures correctly for 10 weeks. I can see a clear placenta and amniotic sac, and there-" she pointed to the screen, "is your baby."

It was more than just a little blob on the screen. The head and body were clearly present. They could also see what looked like tiny arms and legs sticking out from the center. The sight was amazing and the couple seemed to exhale in the same moment.

"It's our baby." Kate spoke with awe in her voice. Castle squeezed her hand, but didn't reply. She turned to look at him, only to find his eyes glassed over. It was a beautiful thing to watch and Kate smiled. His eyes left the screen in the next moment as he brought her hand to his lips, kissing her as he struggled to get a grip on his emotions.

They both startled when a sound filled the room, first a swishing sound and then a steady beat.

"There we go." The doctor spoke. Both Castle and Beckett turned to look at the screen again, captivated by the sound of their child's heartbeat. The baby was alive, appeared to be completely healthy and strong, and was growing. For several moments they stared, unable to formulate words.

The doctor pressed a button and printed out a picture for them. She handed it to Kate, who simply stared at it. The feeling was indescribable; she simply turned to Castle and found the same awe on his face. He leaned in to kiss her brow,

"Our baby." He whispered once again.

* * *

After the doctor's appointment they made their way back to Kate's place. She needed to shower and change, and despite loving the loft, was missing her things. In the end they'd decided to just stay there for the night. Kate liked the idea of the privacy her apartment afforded, and despite Castle's reassurances that his bedroom was sound-proof, she preferred the isolation that her place provided them.

"We can be as loud as we want here, Castle. No interruptions of any kind." Her tone was teasing, alluring.

It wasn't that she didn't love his family. She did, and her movie marathon with Alexis simply affirmed how comfortable and loved she felt there. The detective could still sense that there was work to be done with Alexis, and she was committed to putting the time into making sure that the teen was comfortable with the changes in her own life. Regardless, the loft was definitely a place she could see the baby enjoying. However, seeing much past that, such as living there full time, was still a little too foreign to Kate. She'd never lived with a boyfriend before. _He's so much more than that, _Kate reflected.

It was true, there wasn't a label for Castle that could truly describe what he was to her. No words did it justice. Her thoughts wandered that evening as they relaxed in her bathtub, Kate nestled securely between his legs and relaxing against his chest. Candles were lit all around them.

"Rick." She whispered his name softly, a smile of contentment on her face.

Kate could feel the warmth of the bath water around her, the security of his arms combined with his soft kisses on her shoulder caused her to sigh. While the water was cooler than Kate would have preferred, it would have to do for the sake of the baby. _I would trade hot water for Castle in my tub any day of the week, _she smiled to herself_. _He continued to caress her sides and taste her skin, seemingly distracted by the task at hand.

"Rick." She spoke again.

"Hmmm." He responded, trailing water from his fingers along the groove of her collar bone. Whatever it was she wanted to say, it was clear that he was partially distracted by her nakedness.

They'd been intimate many times since their first night up at the cabin and it still didn't get old. Feeling the comfort and thrill of his touch was something that Kate couldn't imagine living without. She still couldn't believe that she'd put it off, that they'd denied themselves all that they could be together, for four years. Nevertheless, it seemed a lifetime ago now.

"You wanted something?" He nudged her from the bathtub. _Oh yeah_, she thought to herself. It would seem that he wasn't the only one subject to distraction. Kate couldn't figure out why on earth she'd become so scatter-brained lately.

"I was thinking about the baby again." She spoke, allowing his hands to join hers and rest low on her stomach.

"The baby looked fine." He placed a kiss against her temple, waiting patiently for her to express whatever it was that was weighing on her mind.

"I know the baby looked fine, but I still want answers."

His arms wrapped around her more securely and he trailed water from the bath, to his fingertips and down her stomach. The vanilla scented candles filled the air with an intoxicating aroma and Kate simply exhaled again. It was odd to be discussing something so serious in such a relaxing atmosphere, but she couldn't let her thoughts go.

"You want to find Dr. Berring." Castle concluded. Kate nodded. The only person who would have answers, truly know what to expect, was the man responsible for creating the embryo in the first place. If there was anything wrong, anything they needed to know, he would be the one to ask.

"So do I." He admitted. Caste wanted to get his hands on Berring just as much, if not more than Beckett. As a father, he couldn't imagine someone doing something to Alexis; and while this baby was still so early on it its development, Castle felt the same protectiveness.

While he had the reputation of a play boy, and the mannerisms of a child from time to time, the one area where you did not cross Richard Castle was with his children. He looked back down at their joined hands on Kate's stomach. _My child_, he thought to himself.

Their hands remained over the baby as their minds wandered, both lost in their thoughts.

"I going to reach out to Agent Fallon tomorrow. He's got to know where Berring is and I want answers." Kate disclosed.

"Do you think he'll help us?" Castle questioned. While it was clear that Fallon would know where they were holding Berring, the likelihood that he knew the whole story was doubtful. Further, even if he did know, there was no reassurance that he would tell them anything.

"We saved the city from a dirty bomb, remember?" She turned her head slightly so she could meet his gaze.

"I think he owes us." Kate stated. She wasn't above using whatever she needed, pulling any strings necessary, to get the information she needed where this child was concerned.

Castle nodded, his chin resting on her shoulder as he considered her words. He certainly hoped that Fallon would see things their way.

Only time would tell.


End file.
